Realising my parents are abusive

[Abusiveparents]

Hello all, I’ve been reading threads on mumsnet on similar topics for the last few days but never posted before, so apologies in advance if I am breaking forum etiquette.

Decided I would try posting here as it seems that many posters in the past have had similar issues or come to a similar realisation.

I have recently been struggling with the realisation that I grew up in an emotionally abusive household. Both parents are to blame however it’s definitely predominantly driven by my mother. The realisation came to me after Christmas Day (hosted by my fiancee and I in our home) when frankly, saying that my parents behaviour was a disgrace would be an understatement. Consequently I have been questioning virtually my entire life and our relationship. The level of anger and honestly hatred I feel towards them in this moment is incredible.

I believe their behaviour towards me to be anxiety based and control driven and my mother has an inability to view me as a separate person, rather as an extension of herself. For context, I am almost 30, I have a car, a job, homeowner, been in a long term relationship since 18.

There are countless examples of their behaviour, the more shocking include:

• Opening and going through my post
• Calling my former place of work to check if I had turned up after I had not responded to their messages for a few days
• Turning up at my house whilst I was away (was having a bathroom fitted) in a different city - they cajoled the bathroom fitter into letting them in, they knew I was away
• Mum turning up at my house and trying to forcibly gain entry after I hadn’t responded to her texts for 2 days because ‘for all (she) knew I could’ve been lying dead on the floor for two days’
• Lying that a friend had messaged them on Facebook when I was 18 at university to grass me up for being a smoker so that I’d admit it to them
• Somehow gaining access to my Google account and looking at my search history and questioning me on it

All the above is combined with constant interrogation of my life and emotional guilt tripping. Just this morning I have 3 missed calls and 3 ignored texts all trying to guilt me into calling her this evening. I feel like I am under constant audit. I have reached the conclusion that this behaviour is anxiety driven and they are forcing their anxiety on to me.

At the minute I am ignoring my mum deliberately as I feel the only way to break this level of control over me is to let it spiral to the point that she realises bombarding me with messages and calls does not give her guaranteed access to my life. I originally wanted to call and tell them to leave me alone for good, and that they weren’t welcome in my life anymore, but my partner talked me down for the time being. I am seriously considering NC.

As a result of their parenthood, in adult life I have struggled with truth telling (it was easier to lie growing up to avoid the above), depression, severe anxiety and self harm. I’m also now aggressively independent to the point that it affects relationships and struggle with persistent anger.

Has anyone else had similar problems with their parents and/or have any advice to share?

Thanks for reading, sorry it’s a long one

OP I have young adult children and I would never do any of what you have described and I’m slightly alarmed that some posters are implying that you should cut your mother some slack as she’s anxious. This is not normal anxiety. You are not responsible for regulating her very extreme emotions. What you are describing is not normal. My DD has a friend whose mother will not go to bed until she knows her DD who lives 300 miles away is home (based on Find my iPhone). She texts her DD repeatedly to say why aren’t you home yet I’m too worried to sleep and the DD leaves the pub or where ever to go home. Your set up sounds equally bonkers. You need to tell your mother repeatedly that this is not normal and she needs to seek help to manage her anxiety. You can show compassion as she’s clearly unwell but you need to set very very clear boundaries that this is unacceptable.

@AbusiveparentsI think you did fine explaining the dynamic and thought it sounded horrible - like being stalked and harassed by your own mother and not allowed to live your own life or go a few days without talking to someone. Smothering

Clearly there are a lot of overly anxious mums on here though who think it’s their right to hound their adult children all their lives instead of dealing with their own minds and neuroses.

OP has clearly explained that her mum will not accept that and will continue to constantly contact her even to the extent of breaking into her house.

So what should she do when none of that works? That’s what she’s doing now.. cutting her off. Because that’s her only remaining option. Clearly.

I think its fair to ignore her after explaining what your doing and letting her know you are ok and when you will next contact her . I don't think its ok randomly ignoring someone who cares about you with no explanation to the point they are scared you have died

Thank goodness for this kind and sensible reply! I would add that I think you, OP, would benefit significant from counselling. Concentrate on working yourself because that is in your power. Changing your mum's behaviour is not !

Take care of yourself OP this is an awful way to live.

I think a lot of well-meaning people on this thread have no idea what it’s like to have the type of mother you have, OP.
Telling you to cut her some slack or that her behaviour isn’t abusive is ridiculous, but unless they’ve lived it they wouldn’t understand.
I have been through this and heartbreakingly I’ve been left with no choice but to go no contact with mine.
Although my mother has covert narcissistic traits and the selfishness & emotional abuse from childhood to mid forties has been a living hell so it’s definitely been extreme in my case.
My mother has a very manipulative and malicious streak which if your mother doesn’t have that, it may not be narcissism and more anxiety-based as other posters have suggested. However that doesn’t make it any less abusive and trust me I know the rage, frustration and crazy-making feelings she is likely inciting in you.
I would recommend a therapist who specialises in families/narcissism so you can unpack everything, start to get your head around it and decide where to go from there.
I wouldn’t race to NC just yet, I can tell you it hasn’t resolved anything much for me except that I don’t have to deal with her directly.
I still have her critical voice in my head constantly though, and the guilt will never ever leave I don’t think!

I can't believe people are sticking up for this parent. 🙄
Total invasion and abuse of privacy. Sounds like NPD. The key clue being 'she doesn't see herself as seperate from me'
She has no respect for Op's personal space.

It sounds as though the self-harming is the result of OP's mum's controlling behaviour and not the cause of it.

But even after OP has said that she is OK but can't talk now, her mum persists in harrassing her. Her mum knows that OP isn't dead, but that isn't enough for her. It's about control, not her love for her daughter.

So like I said op needs to have the conversation saying this is to much i will call you on this date at this time and have a set time once a week or month. Op mum isn't a mind reader and up to this point op hasn't done this she has just ignored her mum. If op goes no contact at this point her mum will have no clue why and no chance to rectify her behaviour. Op is an adult to now and she is quite capable of a clear adult conversation about how things will be going forward and stating if these boundaries are crossed then she may cut contact but to do that without the conversation is unfair.

Thank you, luckily I’ve got access to private healthcare through my employer and I’m booked in for six counselling sessions with the possibility of extending that up to fifteen, with an initial screening call this coming Tuesday

recovery starts here I guess

I have four adult kids, 22 to 33. I work on the premise "no news is good news" obviously meaning if I don't hear from them they are ok. We are all very close so any concerns would be aired immediately.
The level you Mum goes to is very unreasonable, your kindness at hosting them at Xmas should show that you do care, instead of bringing you closer,Your Mum is driving you apart. That's a real shame. Would Mum be open to meeting one afternoon a month and agreeing to you being the one to contact her in-between?
I do think a text saying "I will call you Thursday night" then ignoring her until then would be kinder though. 💕