Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

[Iftheapocalypsecomesbeepme]

I had to leave my job due to health reasons and my last paycheck was the end of September.

I am not entitled to any benefits etc due to my partners income.

I have been doing some odd days work here and there (whenever it is available) and am looking for other employment but currently have zero income. This means I'm unable to pay for anything unless it can be covered by the ad-hoc work I'm doing.

In October my partner (who I live with) did help me out financially but made it clear it was a one-off and hasn't directly offered since then.

He does however pay for mortgage (house in his name), bills and food. I have never paid for the mortgage or bills so the paying for my food is new. He also pays for some medical costs - which he agreed to whilst I was still in employment.

He did also pay for all the Christmas food and the presents for our niece which I'm really grateful for.

I know I am in a much better position than most people because I have somewhere to live but I'm now in the situation where until I have a regular income I can't afford anything - if I need to buy anything outside the usual weekly shop I'd need to ask him for money. My direct debits are also bouncing and I'm doing my best to keep my head above water!

I know that he is fine financially - he has savings (for emergencies with house etc), and a good disposable amount after all bills and I appreciate that I am not entitled to his money but what I'm struggling with is him not even asking me if I'm OK financially! He knows exactly how much I was earning before and what I have coming in now. I can't ask him for help because of how generous he is being already but I do think if the positions were reversed I would have just had a conversation like "Is everything covered ok or do we need to look at things?" Especially as some of the things coming out of my account are mutually beneficial i.e. pet and car insurance.

I did put in 30k as some of the deposit and was thinking about asking for some of that to help me over the next few months but I really don't want to do that as I am (perhaps foolishly) seeing that as an investment if the house prices go up.

For full transparency he has previously helped me pay off debts before we were even living together and my poor money management is why he would never have a shared bank account!!

I just wish he would ask if things were ok and don't understand how he is ignoring the pretty obvious situation I'm in! It isn't about him giving me money but just I wish I didn't feel so alone dealing with it.

I’m sorry OP that’s really shit. Is your deposit actually legally protected, as in ringfenced as “yours”?

Can you not claim ESA? It's not based on the income of the household and you can work up to 16 hrs a week, so you do your consultancy work.

My first thought was is your 30k safe? He sounds thoughtless at best.

You are wth someone who begrudgingly helped you once but won’t again. He begrudges helping you the first time. So he won’t ask if you are ok because he doesn’t want to feel guilty not offering to help again. He’s not a husband or a partner he is a formerly generous friend with benefits. And you are tied to him by need. Endure, get another job, and leave.

This might sound harsh, but I think that if your direct debits are bouncing for shared car insurance you need to not wait for him to ask how things are, feeling aggrieved for his lack of sympathy, speak up about it.

He's once bitten twice shy with you where money/debt is concerned, and I would very much take your self confessed poor money management into account when thinking about what your expectations of him are at the moment. It sounds like he's been more than fair recently with his outlay, and has made a mental note that he will support you until say, the end of 2025 after which you'll need to be back paddling your own canoe.

Your £30k is a seperate issue, and I'm presuming you took and followed legal advice regarding that.

Stop waiting for him to soothe you and put the mental energy into getting more paid work. It's the only way out of this, his sympathy levels aren't really the point as you'll need to earn your own money without him or with him.

He pays the mortgage and bills. He helped you in October with money, but said it was a one off..yet,he helped you pay off debts caused by your money management,he doesn't want a joint account because of this. You wonder why he hasn't asked you if you're ok for money! Do you want a monthly allowance like 1950s house wives.

why would you put 30k into a house that isn't in your name? I assume your not married so why are your incomes accounts joint?
If he's not helping you then you needs to separate so that you can claim benefits for yourself get back on your feet financially.
Its very unwise to be financially dependant on a man even when your married, there are countless posts on mumsnet about women being financially abused.

Hold on. So you have put in £30k into house deposit and your name is nowhere on the papers? I don’t like the sound of that.

Would he have been able to buy a house (in his name) without your contribution?

Something smalls fishy here.

Apart from that, not speaking to him is unwise because bouncing payments will affect you credit rating and cause issues in the future. For you. Or for both of you, if he is planning a future together. If he is then he is very shortsighted. Maybe that is not in his plans?

I think you need to have a conversation about your plans and expectations. Short term, I would think most partners would want to help each other, within reason.

That said, if your housing, bills and food shopping is already being paid by him, what else is left and could you reduce it?

I left my job due to illness (cancer) and have until recently received ESA. Do look into your eligibility. It’s not income based, but I do accept it’s more straightforward to claim for something quite obvious like cancer and less so for other conditions. It’s not much but it’s £300 something a month that allows me to put fuel in my car, pay for my horse and any incidental expenses while I’m waiting to return to work.

If you are not working, I’d expect you to do more of the things around the home where you feel well enough to and in the short term, the buffer you are providing should enable him to provide you with a financial buffer. But you need to have a conversation about how much, for what (fuel and mobile bill, not salon trip and new clothes), and for how long.

Seriously, you need to up your game.
Your partner looked after you this past month.
You dont give a diagnosis, so can only assume, you work when you fancy,
Up your game. Im annoyed with you for letting every one else sort your life out

He does however pay for mortgage (house in his name), bills and food. I have never paid for the mortgage or bills so the paying for my food is new. He also pays for some medical costs - which he agreed to whilst I was still in employment.
so you’ve had a free ride? Never paid rent or bills or for food?
How long have you been together? Even if for only 3 years, you’ve only contributed about £800 a month for bed, board and bills… not bad!

So his income is the sole factor standing in the way of you being able to claim benefits?

Yes, he should definitely be supporting you - the DWP is not paying you, because there is an expectation that he will be supporting you.

He needs to pay you the equivalent of what you would be entitled to, if you were not partners.

For full disclosure, I had this situation when at university, my parents' (very significant) incomes meant I wasn't entitled to much in the way of support, as the government quite reasonably expected then to support me. They just refused to see this, meaning I struggled financially and graduated with significant debt due to their tight fistedness.

How long have you been together ? I dont understand 30k deposit into a house that doesn't belong to you, yet no emergency fund? , and debt cleared by him. Tell him there is no money for pet insurance and car insurance.

Why have you never paid for any bills? Why aren’t you working now?

If there's no money for joint expenses like insurance then you need to tell him. It sounds like you need a conversation about money, how and when you plan to start working again and what you need in the meantime

If you are looking for work surely you can claim job seekers?

You paid £30k towards the deposit for a house that's in his name only?? Please say you protected it...

He doesn't sound generous. He sounds very uncaring. I'm sorry about your health. Is it likely to improve? Have you looked at PIP, to see whether you're eligible? It isn't means tested.

If this was a man posting he would get harsher comments. It does depend on how long you have been together, shared children etc but realistically you are 2 separate people, no joint finances so the responsibility to feed and house yourself is yours.

What are the chances of you securing a job soon? Do you have any savings? Is there family you can ask for help?

From your description it appears tour partner doesn't want to facilitate your life, which is why he has asked you if money is ok.

This could be because he is mean or because he doesn't believe you are in a partnership or because he believes you need to take some accountability/responsibility for your money (given your previous debt situation)

Did you miss that OP paid £30k towards his house deposit?