Living together after separation - emotional boundaries

[CautiousVisitor]

I'm just curious what wisdom / experiences people who have lived together for a time after making the decision to separate might have to share. My E(ventually)TBXH and I finally decided to separate before Christmas. We're being scrupulously amicable about it and our number one priority is to ensure stability for the kids. He will be moving out of the family home once he has found somewhere for himself. But drawing up a separation agreement (Scotland) and finding a place are all slow processes and I'm realistic that we'll be sharing the home for some time yet.

I'm wondering what sort of boundaries other Mumsnetters in the same situation put in place / any pitfalls, good or bad ideas?

Today I've been struggling because it feels like he's been turning to me with his emotional needs (the way he did when we were "together") and part of me wants to help and listen the way I always did, but I also think in the circumstances that isn't healthy...

Basically - just keen to hear people's experiences of amicably making that transition from a couple to not a couple whilst stuck under the same roof.

I stayed for over a year before moving into a flat. To be honest we had no emotional engagement at all whilst sharing the house. I think you need to become "not a couple" pretty quickly as that is going to be your reality and without making that break it's going to make things harder later on imo.

Wrt to the separation agreement, it took 6 months for ours and that was with no disagreement and getting a solicitor to do the financials. Mainly because my ex wife's solicitor asked questions randomly the whole way through rather than in a structured way and prolonged it. I think she (solicitor) was taking the piss charging for emails each time, so much so that her costs are double mine and I paid for the agreement. So it can take a while and something to look out for as you both should have legal representation.

When we decided to split the spark had long gone and we were more like friends house sharing. It was amicable (no kids) and to be honest not that much changed. I stayed for about nine months (waiting for a flat to be completed)

We jogged along much as before. I probably stayed out more. I worked in London and would go out with friends/work colleagues in the evening and to watch football on Saturdays

In terms of emotional needs it didn't really change. We supported each other as before

I agree with @Farside99 about thinking you are not a couple as soon as you can.

Due to Covid we co-habited for 22 months. It was v amicable as no 3P involved. Luckily we had a spare room so I moved in there.

in terms of emotional support, like @Thecatandme it carried on similar to before. To this day we are still good friends and support each other. We agreed a financial settlement agreement within 6 months which gave us clarity to move on.

This is exactly what we’re doing. I’ve moved into the spare room and we’re trying to get on as friends / good lodgers. I do worry that things will get tricky once we try to sell the house and I wish there was a way he could buy me out but we’ve got everything tied up in the house so we will need to sell it.

We are almost out the other end of the process as we move out next week, but honestly it has been fine. We have separate rooms and have kind of stuck to those, but I was doing that anyway as I was unhappy.

We have actually both been happier in the last few months, I guess now that we know we are no longer stuck together for life 🤣

There have obviously been times where I’ve been frustrated or angry but I haven’t seen the value of stirring things up and have just quietly kept going. To the point we’re going out for a farewell drink next week.

Thanks all. I think with young kids it's all a bit "messier" in terms of detangling daily life. But these are all good examples to read.

Unfortunately we don't have a spare room so I'm generally in with one of the kids (which is fine as they quite like having a mum hot water bottle right now 😅), but it is a bit wearing not to have "my" space. I'm already fantasising about redecorating the bedroom...

I am in this situation, and so we are behaving list roomies. We have a set routine for the 4 DC and they are faring much better for it. They can work out on the calendar whose weekend it is, for example, and they know every Tuesday that I go out. We both have one set night per week where we can go out, and we alternate weekends. We both make efforts to be out as much as possible when we are not in charge, but as a teacher, I do the lions share of dinners etc, while he is at the office. the key for us is minimal contact. So we get space to be ourselves. I think it will be another 12 months but I can’t rush STBXH to find another place (although I do send adverts anf listings frequently!)

we also didn’t have a spare room so we had to shuffle around logistics but not sharing a room was VITAL. We both needed personal space. We have it now, and it works temporarily (but is not sustainable long term) so please try to find a way to do this. This was a major point in finding the right balance.

good luck!