Hi all!
I just wanted to ask your advice regarding my relationship with my MIL.
My in-laws live abroad, so we usually only meet them a couple of times per year. However things will soon change as I'm expecting our first baby (their first grandchild) and I'm sure they'll want to visit more often.
I get along with both FIL and MIL well, but my MIL often makes me sad and annoyed and I realise that, while we're in a good relationship, I really struggle with my mental health when I'm with her.
The problem is that she's very old-school and expects me to be the sole carer of the family, she talks to me as if everything is my responsibility and I really struggle with that. She's very helpful and does a lot in the house when they come and visit (she does the laundry, cooks, cleans etc) and she always tells us to rest when they're around, cause they want to be helpful (which is very nice). Of course we also do chores, but if we're at work she does most of them. However, when she does nice things, she always tells ME (not us) she's done the laundry/the shopping/the cooking so that "you (referring to ME only - we speak another language and it's clear that "you" is for a singular pronoun) don't have to do it". When she gives my husband some nice clothes as present, she then addresses to me and teaches ME how to clean it. When she uses something in the house (cleaning products/food) she then tells me "sorry I've finished your (again singular) cleaning product, so I'll buy it again for you (singular)". When we talk about the baby she always talks to ME as if I'll be the only carer. She tells ME how to change the baby, feed the baby, educate the baby. She was telling me how not to spoil the baby and how I should do things once the baby is here. Once, I said that I'll feed the baby, so my husband can actually do the changing, and she was shocked and said it's unfair cause my husband is working and shouldn't wake up to do these things. She often looks at other people and she's in general judgemental, but she particularly criticises women (for example, if a child is having a tantrum she says that "their mother is a disgrace" or she looks at the groceries of other families and says that "women in this country cook a lot of rubbish ready-made meals" , things like that - you know what I mean).
She's in general very helpful and I don't want to be ungrateful, so I never talk back (I'm sure there are much worse MIL out there), but I always feel very sad when she's here, cause she treats me as if everything is my responsibility and I really feel the pressure.
To give you context, both me and my husband are full time workers, I have 2 degrees and an academic career on top of my clinical duties, I work an average of 48h per week (often more - 'cause all the research and studying is outside the working time) and I actually earn more than my husband. However, in her eyes my husband is the career person that needs to focus on his career, while I should be a good wife and take care of him. The funny thing is that she believes to be a very feminist person and she believes women should work and have a career (as long as they do their duties as women and work in the house too)🤔
Of course my husband and I share all the duties. I talked to my husband and asked him to "protect" me from all her pressure, so he shows that he's involved in the house etc, however this doesn't change and she still thinks it should be my role as a woman. She's happy my husband does some chores and she thinks men should "help a bit" too, but even this thought of "men helping" implies that all chores should be women' roles with a bit of "help" from the husbands...
I understand that it's not easy to change the mindset of a 70 year old woman that was risen in a different generation (she's a housewife), but I'm worried cause things will only get worse once the baby is here. They'll come more often and she'll place a lot more responsibilities on me. Once the baby is here, I will actually be on maternity leave, so it's true that I'll be the main carer for the family at that time, but I don't want all the responsibility on myself only and also, maternity leave won't last forever.
We have tried to make clear that women/men roles do not exist for us (apart from childbirth lol), my husband tries to also reply to her when she's talking about chores to me, but she just ignores him because she doesn't think he should be involved in these "women jobs".
Should I just talk to her? She's very resistant to criticism and I know she'll be offended because she thinks she's a feminist and she would be outraged by the idea that actually she isn't. On one side I find it difficult to talk to her, because she's actually doing nice things (helping around), so I don't want to be ungrateful. But every time we spend time together, I always feel upset and sad and I realise that's not good for a healthy relationship either. I could also just ignore these remarks as it'll be impossible to change her beliefs at this point. What would you do? I'm sure lots of you have found yourselves in similar positions!