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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help/advice needed

9 replies

Kittyoo · 07/01/2026 11:03

So im looking for help/advice as I really dont know what to do. I split with my partner after 10 years. I dont know it its because it was over the Xmas period and I was just overloaded with stuff to do. As i would always have to plan what we're doing/eating at the weekend or xmas eve and new years day. He would expect me to buy food etc, prepare it and even tidy up while working full time and cleaning the house, and making sure my 11 year is ok (my child, not his) We both work full time. He would do the washing but that's it. If I needed anything else done he said "just to say" and he'll do it. Are all men like this? Can they not see that other things need done? I own the flat so certain things I'd rather do myself. He would always just sit on the sofa and be on his phone. He would never offer help. When I was upset or just burnt out i would sit in the bedroom to chill/calm down. Not once did he ask if im ok. If I did need any help with anything he would genuinely help and do it. I just dont know if im.being too picky or are men like that or is he an asshole.

OP posts:
Whizzingwhippet · 07/01/2026 12:00

If you're not happy you can end a relationship for any reason you like. But given that you say he would genuinely help and do it if you said anything then I think you're being a bit harsh on him here.

Geeseinarowhonk · 07/01/2026 12:05

I had a 'just tell me what needs doing' ex. After we broke up he admitted that he had never done the housework because he considered it as part of my 'role' as a woman. He claimed that me dumping his ass made him see the light and he took on more duties, but I'm waiting for a pig to fly past my window.

On meeting my husband, he had lived by himself for years and knew how to pull his weight. When I met his mum, I casually mentioned that he seemed v well housetrained and she said that she raised both kids to cook and run a home without expecting others to do it. Sadly, in my experience of men, this is the exception and not the rule. But the flip side is, I don't 'just need to say' and our home chugs along nicely.

Well done for getting out and enjoy your peace! When I broke up with my ex, I loved living alone, and keeping the place clean was a breeze, and without the added stress and resentment.

Nosdacariad · 07/01/2026 12:51

I bet you asked and I bet when he did what you asked he did it late, looking like there was a bad smell under his nose and badly.

That's before considering that the mental load (of noticing and giving him jobs) should not be yours alone.

You have done well, is he the role model an 11 year old needs? I'm thinking not 🙂

MadamCholetsbonnet · 07/01/2026 12:55

I’m not clear really.

Do you mean you refuse to say things like “I am going to empty the dishwasher, please can you strip our bed and put a wash on”?

Would dedicated jobs for each of you work?

You don’t need any excuse to end a relationship. If it doesn’t make you happy then dump, that’s fine. You seem to be questioning your decision though.

Catza · 07/01/2026 22:46

Whizzingwhippet · 07/01/2026 12:00

If you're not happy you can end a relationship for any reason you like. But given that you say he would genuinely help and do it if you said anything then I think you're being a bit harsh on him here.

Well, as my grandmother always says "if I have to ask, I may as well do it myself". He is not a toddler who needs instructions and it's ridiculous that we still expect women to carry all the emotional load of the relationship. I bet he doesn't need asking to do something when he lives alone but happy to play stupid when living with a partner.

FlockOfSausages · 07/01/2026 23:21

Live apart.

Kittyoo · 08/01/2026 06:10

Thanx ladies 🥰 yes I have one child that I need to ask to do things, not 2. It also hurt me when he did nothing for my 40th last year. Not a message to say happy birthday, not a present, not even a £5 bouquet of flowers. He gave me money 3 months later! Yet i made the effort for him every year.and yet i was the one wondering what's for dinner at the weekends, buying, cooking etc etc while he sat with his legs crossed on the sofa on the phone. When I write this im actually realising I made the BEST decision so far this year and ended it as sometimes I was doubting myself. Stupid I know!

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Kittyoo · 08/01/2026 06:12

And sometimes when things got overwhelming (single parent and working 45+ hours plus everything else life throws at you) I would retreat to the bedroom and just watch something to take my mind of things. Sometimes it'd be a few days. And not ONCE did he ever ask if im ok. He just came to take a cigarette

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Kittyoo · 08/01/2026 06:45

And i sometimes suffer from sciatica. My first bout i couldn't move. I was bent in half. I couldn't go to work. A few days later I finally managed to get hoovering and do you know what he said? Lol! " you shouldn't be doing that".
Im not saint. But I never treated him like shit nor or said anything to him to belittle him.
Sorry for the moan. Don't have any friends. Maybe its better that way to ☺️
Thanks again

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