Would you date someone who makes a living by making 18+ content on the internet?

[exhaustDAD]

Because everyone is busy, we rarely get to meet up with my wife's siblings who live abroad, so most life updates are happening once or twice a year.. I get along real well with my brother-in-law, he always seen me as an older brother ever since the stone age, since I started dating his older sister, my wife. He is not that much younger than me, mid-thirties, but he always struggled with women, so to speak. When it was just the two of us he told me that he actually has been dating someone for about 6 months now, but he hasn't told anyone in the family, no one met this special lady yet. He is on the fence regarding what this woman does for a living, so he asked for my opinion.

So, he said that after the first handful of dates the woman laid out her cards, as she wanted to be honest - she basically creates online content - sex videos. The majority of what she does is just her and toys, but she occasionally shoots videos with a friend of hers (also a woman). I was asked if I could date someone who does that for a living. I was honest, and tried to explain that I really don't want to influence his way of looking at her and their relationship, but he was adamant to hear what I would do in this situation. This is what I told him: Honestly, I think hats off to the lady for not being secretive about it, not trying to lie about her job that could divide people. As a person, that is an excellent trait, I think. However, when it comes down to personal preference, I could not be in a serious relationship with someone who a) is all over the internet naked/having sex of some kind, b) does sex work (it is considered that, right?). I am not saying she is less of a person for this, I am not saying "ew", as long as nobody is forced, everyone should do what they do comfortable and happy with. It is her right to do it, but I think it is a potential partner's right to not want to date someone like that. My brother-in-law seemed a bit down about my response, but understood what I meant. He eventually asked whether I would be able to date someone if the woman is happy to stop creating online 18+ content of herself. Interesting question, I thought, but I didn't even have to think about it, my answer would still be no, I wouldn't be able to. My brother-in-law seemed confused, he was surprised at my "bigoted" thinking. But just to reiterate, anyone doing such things does not alter what I think of them as people - and now I will pull the "I have a friend who does it/used to do it" -card. It's just that I would prefer not to be romantically involved with someone like that... Is that really that "bad"?

So it made me think... How would other people feel about this? Would you be ok having a (serious) partner or spouse doing that type of work?

NO

No because we'd have different values.

I would. I would judge the person on how decent they are not for getting their bits out online. That's their choice and doesn't affect me.

That is valid! and nothing wrong with that, either... doesn't mean anyone is better or worse, just have different values...

Like you - judging someone as a "person" on how decent they are - absolutely on board with it :) I do have a friend who does 18+ work, I don't think less of her for it as a person, a friend. But from the person I date/love, I would not be able to cope.. Not saying you are wrong for feeling this way.. But I can't say that choice doesn't affect me or anyone...What if we had a kid? No child should ever be subject to a potential backlash because their mom (or dad) did sex on the internet... Imagine bullying... Or the kid finding the material him/herself... yikes.

Not for me. I couldn't date a man who did this.

I said ‘No’ because I am ashamed to say I only read the title and so I thought you meant a person producing porn films.

In the case you are describing I am not so sure I would say “No”. If the person was marvellous and stopped, I’d see that as the same as a prostituted woman whom I loved and who stopped. That is rather a romantic idea.

Being all over the internet forever though is a horrible problem as all privacy for the past is lost. Might future chikdren’s see it.

But, what led to her doing this? Why is she doing this sort of job for validation and money? That is low self-esteem or some sort of anger or self-destructiveness. ( Presuming she was not trafficked or starving with children to feed.)

I would suspect childhood abuse in some form. What sort of mental troubles might there be? How likely is it that this relationship will work well? She might need help. And he would need to watch out for having a controlling ‘saviour’ complex or using her past against her in the future.

It’s not for me. However, if he is open to it I wouldn’t judge him. Live and let live.

I completely disagree that it's a sign of insecurity or narrow-mindedness for somebody not being willing to accept a partner who earns money as an online sex worker. It's about standards.

Also, it's not a case of seeing anybody's sexuality as shameful; more it's about seeing it as private and exclusive between the two people in the relationship. At any rate, I highly doubt that she's actually demonstrating her actual true sexuality online - it will just be whatever she knows the 'gentlemen' watching, with their fantasies, want to see, rather than anything that is likely to genuinely excite her on a personal level.

What if she weren't doing it online, but in person? If somebody who was in a relationship was trying to flirt, charm and excite random people of the opposite sex (or the same sex if gay) in the pub by rubbing up against them and sweet-talking them in exchange for them buying them drinks or maybe more... surely nobody would suggest that their partner was insecure or narrow-minded if they saw them doing this and found it problematic? If anything, if they didn't find it problematic at all, I'd suspect them of being firmly in pimp territory. I certainly wouldn't believe that they truly loved, cared about or respected them.

No.

Also wouldn’t have a relationship with a non-sex online influencer.

I suspect the fact he is asking you is that he actually has a problem too. Hence his accusing you of being “bigoted” is trying to overcome his feelings. I can have different preferences from my friends and don’t feel the need to insult them for that.

No. It's not bigoted to not date someone you don't want to. For any reason.

Same here :)

Exactly! I have been saying this for the best part of my adult life, too. You'd be surprised how often people refuse to understand this statement as it is meant. I just don't understand why everything "has to" stem from some form of hatred or phobia, when it's simply down to personal preferences. For a lack of a better example, years ago at my old job there was a chat about dealbreakers, and when I said that I would choose not to date a woman who used to be a man, I was told that it is homophobia. Uhm. I was lost for words... It's like smoking. No thank you, and I wouldn't like it if my partner smoked, either. Does that mean I hate people who smoke or could not be friends with them? Absolutely not. It's just not part of my preferences and lifestyle.

years ago at my old job there was a chat about dealbreakers, and when I said that I would choose not to date a woman who used to be a man, I was told that it is homophobia

What a ridiculous thing to say. That is like saying that being heterosexual means being homophobic by default.
( A woman who used to be a man is still a male. There is no reason for a heterosexual man to feel attracted to such a person.)

I am with PPs who said that they would also not date an influencer. For me, it’s less about the 18+ work itself and more about the online presence. I am a very private person and don’t post on social media a lot. I don’t really post my kids and intentionally keep 95% of my life offline. DH is the same. I would not want to be romantically involved with someone who was far more active online, whether they were in 18+ content, a family vlogger, or a beauty guru.

In saying that, I have no judgement for anyone who does decide to live a more online life or who chooses to do sex work of any kind. I know people who have/had quite successful OnlyFans accounts or who have worked in strip clubs - good for them, I say! I love that they have the confidence. It’s just not for me and that’s okay.

@Amariel13 I think we have some things in common. The way DW and I do things when it comes to online presence, is pretty similar - we do not post on social media, posting photos of our kids is a definite no-no. We also don't feel the need to post "oh best mum ever" (mothers' day) type of photos. We never felt the need to get outside validation for aspects of our relationship.

I agree on the vlogger aspect, too, I am way more private to live in a setup like that. And on that note, to me the 18+ work is just another aspect I couldn't be on board with if it comes to my partner, not really about confidence issue.

Update on how things developed between my BIL and his partner:
In the past few weeks they were doing a lot of heart-to-heart chats, BIL opened up about being unsure, and the lady apparently was sad that it's hard to find a man who will accept that this is purely a job. She told him that she does not want to consider stopping it, and she is just about to expand her horizons, and do more hardcore level content, not just with toys and and her friend (F), but videos involving kinks and multiple men, as it is even more money. She told BIL that if he was unsure about them before, there is no point forcing it especially with her recent plans in the pipeline. BIL was understandably sad, but then admitted that the woman was right, and it's better to just separate.
I asked if she had a completely different response and offered to stop working as an 18+ content creator, would he have wanted that? And to my surprise he said "probably not", because all the existing videos are already out there. I do agree with that, to be honest.

I would. But i would tell her to stop, once she made enough change. 😂😂