Hi, first time poster long time lurker. I'll try not to drip feed but everything is all over the place in my head
Basically, I don't want to unnecessarily destroy our home and family but I'm just feeling at a loss. DH (married 6 yrs) and I are just not functioning as a team, and I'm feeling either on eggshells or that I have a third (giant) child.
DH has a long history of depression and anger issues. (Usually just shouting but sometimes banging the table, and has pushed me during an argument years ago. I am very concerned that his anger is affecting the DC). He refuses to take his prescribed meds for depression and has quietly stopped going to counselling as he says it doesn't feel like it's progressing.
We both work full time, I have several part time jobs that allow me flexibility and he is more routine but not normal hours.
This is where I struggle, I need to work away from home quite often and he will have the DC no problem. He pays the household bills, doesn't often drink, on the face of it looks like a great guy and we have a lovely life.
My reality is that I feel like have the load of the household and kids on me. Conversations are such hard work, with him taking neutral things as a criticism or interpreting everything as an attack, going on and on if I don't give the "right" answer to his questions, or turns into an emotional crisis that I have to pick up the pieces of.
He "doesn't see" household jobs and will never prioritise cleaning for example over his hobbies/screen time. His "cleaning threshold" is lower than mine, so I always crumble and clean before it gets bad enough that he thinks it is worth cleaning.
I have pretty low standards for cleaning, but do feel we should keep a basic level of cleanliness for the kids and we have pets so it gets easily out of hand.
I was recently away with DC for 2.5 weeks. He was not working during this period, so was at home.
Before I left I asked for a few tasks to be done, put up a couple of blinds, feed the garden birds, change the bedding (to which he agreed, no problem) and I asked the the house to be clean and I guess by default expected there to be food in the fridge as DC back at school the day after we returned (we don't have nearby shops)
Whilst we were away DH and I chatted a bit, video calls with the DC, him saying he missed us etc. But actually it was just really nice not being around him.
Arrived back from the trip and on the journey home after we finished catching up a bit, I asked him casually if he'd done the tasks, to which he went off on one about how I criticise him and nothing he does is ever good enough and that he had forgotten about all of the things I'd asked him to do, and had meant to clean but had been ill yesterday so had slept for 4 hours instead.
I was a bit gobsmacked. I at least expected he'd do those few basic things we'd agreed on whilst the DC and I were away.
When we got back home from the airport and I found 2.5 week old sour milk in DCs sippy cup still in the fridge. Dirty lunchboxes still on the side that I hadn't had chance to clean before leaving on our trip. (We left straight after school on the last day, so I had no chance to fix it myself). All untouched. I just felt like our entire relationship is based on me running the household and being his mother. If I'm not there, then nothing gets done, because apparently it's all my responsibility.
He's used the same frying pan for the duration and not cleaned it. Grease everywhere. Bathroom untouched and filthy. Not fit for DC to use, even though he said he's cleaned it once whilst we were away.
Instead of enjoying time together the day after we got home, I spent the entire day cleaning the house whilst he was on his phone, napping or doing the jigsaw. Didn't offer to contribute as he was ill.
Then later I found on his family group chat (that I'm in) that he had sent a photo the day before we returned of his jigsaw puzzle joking that he needed emergency help to complete it because his family was coming home tomorrow. So it's not like he didn't fully realise we were coming home and had energy for that.
It also meant that I didn't have supplies for DC lunchboxes ready. Like if I don't think about it and plan it, then the task doesn't register for him at all that it would be logical to buy food etc for us coming home.
I just feel really deflated. But the hardest part is, we've been back for a few days now and he just carries on as normal. I'm still so hurt but I'm starting to lose perspective and question myself as to if I'm being unreasonable to expect to be a team over this stuff.
After my cleaning frenzy he mumbled thanks to me for doing it, but that he didn't really see what had been done, just that it looked better (clean..!?). He said he'd change the sheets (he didn't).
I also got him a few things for Xmas (we had a mini post-xmas celebration) and he got me and DC nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which tbh is normal for him, but it just hit me again how that's probably not normal? I think he just expects me to plan presents for DC so he steps back and just isn't involved interested at all. And apparently I'm too hard to buy for, so he just doesn't.
He always proclaims his love for us, but it is never shown in a practical way. It's just words. And now after returning to that scene, I really just felt totally unloved and that we'd be better off without him. I feel like I've been trying to fix the imbalance for 9 years and not getting anywhere.
What do I do.