I’m in my late 30s and come from a South Asian background. My father was largely absent growing up, and there’s a significant age gap between my brothers and me.
When I was a young teenager, my brothers got married, flew the nest and started families of their own.
At 18, I began working and contributing to rent while also attending university. At 21, my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had to stop working. From that point on, I took on all household bills and continued paying rent. My father showed no interest in helping or even visiting. My brothers, understandably, were focused on their own families. That period forced me to grow up very quickly and become self-sufficient. Thankfully, my mum beat the cancer, though she was never quite the same again.
Within three years of graduating, I secured a well-paying job. By my mid-20s, I was earning six figures. At 26, I bought my first property in London on my own. I later rented it out due to work relocation, while continuing to cover my mum’s rent and bills.
At 27, I started dating someone. My mum knew, but I didn’t tell my brothers or father because we didn’t have that kind of relationship; they rarely checked in. When my boyfriend proposed, I informed them. That’s when the fallout began.
There was intense backlash: I was criticised for not informing them earlier, and for choosing someone who wasn’t South Asian. I faced emotional blackmail, was told I was naïve, that I hadn’t “seen the world,” and that they knew better. I was accused of having too much freedom, of being spoilt and stubborn. My father disowned me which, given his absence, felt more symbolic than practical. My mum was my only consistent supporter. Eventually, my brothers and their wives came around.
I planned and paid for my wedding entirely on my own (unusual in my family circles, especially considering my brothers’ weddings were funded by my parents). Many relatives assumed my father and brothers had paid, which wasn’t true. My father was invited but didn’t attend.
I married at 30. Some years later, my husband and I separated and divorced. I never stopped financially supporting my mum and managing her medical care, despite living further away than my siblings.
Over the last five to six years, my brothers have repeatedly borrowed large sums of money from me, often repaying late.
During my divorce, an emotionally devastating time, they said they were “there for me,” but in reality, they rarely checked in. Yet they always had time to ask for financial help, which I continued to provide.
Recently, after spending heavily on legal fees, relocation, and renovating my rental property, I had a disagreement with one brother.
He was angry that I didn’t “take my ex-husband to the cleaners.” I explained that this was my choice. He responded by saying, “We let you do what you want. We let you marry who you wanted. We let you divorce, but sometimes you have to listen.”
That statement stunned me. I’m approaching 40. I’ve built my life independently, financially and emotionally. I’ve never interfered in my brothers’ lives or felt entitled to dictate their choices. Yet they, still seem to believe they have authority over me.
I’m exhausted by having to defend my autonomy and basic rights, and I don’t understand why asserting them leads to conflict. I can’t help but feel that misogyny plays a role here. I doubt I would be treated this way if I were a man. How best to address this to set my boundary for once and for all?