Old cheating guilt eating me up

Lemonade7854 · 2026-01-06T18:49:27+00:00

5 years ago I went out with my close friends for Christmas, we bumped into a few more distant friends we know from school days and got quite drunk. One guy (that isn’t a close friend) walked me home as we live on the same street, and I don’t know what/how it happened but we ended up kissing. I was so mortified by it I remember getting home and bursting into tears. I had a boyfriend at the time of 1 year and felt so terrible for doing this to him. For whatever reason I decided not to tell him at the time, a decision I’m now kicking myself for as we have been together for 6 years almost. The guy I kissed also had a girlfriend so we both decided to not say anything and forget but I feel horrendous guilt, I’m currently waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I can’t focus in work because I keep thinking if my boyfriend finds out he will hate me. There are a few mutual friends between the guy I kissed and my boyfriend so I’m terrified it could come out at any point. However he promised he wouldn’t say anything. I recently bumped into him again, and he swore he has never told anyone. Me and my boyfriend are otherwise good, we are looking to buy a house together. He has recently lost his father so I’ve supported him through that. I guess I’m looking for advice on what you would do? I feel like this is lingering over me like a black cloud. I’ve booked to see a councillor next week to talk about my guilt and obsessive thoughts over this. For years I managed to forget about it and realise it was a mistake, but recently it’s consuming my every thought. I know if I tell him boyfriend it could be the end of us. I know what I’ve done is wrong and am not looking for any sympathy. Thank you in advance

Mullaghanish · 06/01/2026 18:51

sounds like toxic shame to me… your paralysed with guilt… read up about toxic shame..

Charlottejbt · 06/01/2026 18:53

One kiss five years ago? I really wouldn't worry about that at all. Try to forget about it and move on.

Thoseslippers · 06/01/2026 18:55

You need to let go of this or you will ruin your relationship.
It's actually self indulgent. Do you think it helps anyone for you to feel like this? No.
If you really regretted what you did you'd use it as a reason to just never do something like that again.. not hurt your partner by unravelling. The best apologise is changed behaviour.
Guilt abd shame do no good here. You realised it was wrong. You've not done it again. That's the end of it. Move on with your life now. It was just a stupid drunken mistake that millions of people have made throughout time. There is no need for the drama.

DarkLion · 06/01/2026 18:56

I never condone cheating but one drunken kiss 5 years ago I’d really urge you to just move past it and forget about it. He’s had a recent loss and what would telling him now achieve? I’m guessing you’ve grown as a couple in the years since then and you now know what it feels like to do something like that so I don’t think any good will come of owning up now so I’d really move past it and leave it in the past as a mistake that will never happen again

notthatoldchestnut · 06/01/2026 18:57

You need to let this go OP.
ask yourself - if you told him - are you doing it for you? Or for him?
what benefit does he get out of it?

write down the feelings of your shame, burn them. And move on.

PashaMinaMio · 06/01/2026 18:58

Let it go.
I hope therapy helps you to do so.

Mullaghanish · 06/01/2026 18:58

You know we can all do better .. but being human sometimes we don’t.. we get carried away, drink too much.. at least it was only a kiss.. clearly your relationship with your partner has grown in strength.. and is different now than it was at 1 year.. and you are also a different person 5 year’s later. Alright you made a mistake.. maybe it’s time to let the river of time wash it away and allow you to move on with your life. If my partner had a drunken snog 5 years ago, once off, and never since.. I don’t think I’d want to know

fabulousx · 06/01/2026 19:12

Is this even real.

There as been a few threads already to day and im finding it hard to believe any of them.

Lamentingalways · 06/01/2026 19:18

How old are you OP? I feel a little differently to the responses you’ve had so far. What I mean by that is that I don’t think the passing of time should change whether something was wrong, whether you should confess to it or be ‘punished’ for it. I think your boyfriend deserved to know at the time and none of us on here could say whether he would have stayed in a relationship with you or not. You took that choice away from him by not telling him. I don’t agree that because something happened a long time ago that it doesn’t matter because where is the line then? Only he and you know what your boundaries are / were. I’m not sure what you should do, I think if it’s eating you up this badly that perhaps you should tell him but he may decide to walk away.

Willsmer · 06/01/2026 19:38

It was a drunken Christmas kiss - move on.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 06/01/2026 20:47

My husband did similar to me in the first year of our relationship. I didn't know, until nearly 20 years later. I was telling him about a friend separating over cheating, and he burst out with "I kissed somebody!" He said the guilt was too much for him to bear.

We discussed, and because it was so long ago, I moved past it. I never forgot, but I mostly let it go.

Until 20 years later, when I heard some song lyrics. Something about "what if this is our last first kiss?" and I went off the deep end. His 'last first kiss' wasn't with me. It happened after weWe were approaching our 40th, and suddenly that kiss was all I could think about.

I have OCD and i just couldn't stop the thoughts. Therapy and different medication eventually gave me control of most of it. Prayer helped. The best thing to help me move on was when my husband finally, FINALLY stopped trying to dismiss or explain it. Instead, he took me in his arms, apologized from his heart, admitted how badly he had hurt me, and held me while I cried and let out so much of the pain. He cried, too. I could tell how sincere he was, and when he finally took responsibility it helped heal the dark places in my mind.

I rarely think about it now, and when I do, I remind myself that it's resolved and I don't need to do anything else about it.

He once told me how sorry he was for ever telling me. I told him I was sorry he did, too. If I'd known at the time, it would've changed everything. We wouldn't have had our kids and grandkids. 46 years later, I remind myself of all the good things about him.. I don't dwell on the other.

Please tell the counselor and work to get past this. My husband relieved his guilt at the expense of my mental health. Don't do the same; it will only hurt you both.

Forgive yourself. 🌹

Lamentingalways · 06/01/2026 21:12

Beenwhereyouareagain · 06/01/2026 20:47

My husband did similar to me in the first year of our relationship. I didn't know, until nearly 20 years later. I was telling him about a friend separating over cheating, and he burst out with "I kissed somebody!" He said the guilt was too much for him to bear.

We discussed, and because it was so long ago, I moved past it. I never forgot, but I mostly let it go.

Until 20 years later, when I heard some song lyrics. Something about "what if this is our last first kiss?" and I went off the deep end. His 'last first kiss' wasn't with me. It happened after weWe were approaching our 40th, and suddenly that kiss was all I could think about.

I have OCD and i just couldn't stop the thoughts. Therapy and different medication eventually gave me control of most of it. Prayer helped. The best thing to help me move on was when my husband finally, FINALLY stopped trying to dismiss or explain it. Instead, he took me in his arms, apologized from his heart, admitted how badly he had hurt me, and held me while I cried and let out so much of the pain. He cried, too. I could tell how sincere he was, and when he finally took responsibility it helped heal the dark places in my mind.

I rarely think about it now, and when I do, I remind myself that it's resolved and I don't need to do anything else about it.

He once told me how sorry he was for ever telling me. I told him I was sorry he did, too. If I'd known at the time, it would've changed everything. We wouldn't have had our kids and grandkids. 46 years later, I remind myself of all the good things about him.. I don't dwell on the other.

Please tell the counselor and work to get past this. My husband relieved his guilt at the expense of my mental health. Don't do the same; it will only hurt you both.

Forgive yourself. 🌹

But this man may found out in another 20 years time from someone else. Regardless of whether it is minor to some people doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the chance to decide for himself before a mortgage, marriage, children etc.

GreggWallace · 06/01/2026 21:22

Counsellor. Not a councillor.

GreggWallace · 06/01/2026 21:22

Willsmer · 06/01/2026 19:38

It was a drunken Christmas kiss - move on.

Yup

Thoseslippers · 06/01/2026 21:26

Lamentingalways · 06/01/2026 21:12

But this man may found out in another 20 years time from someone else. Regardless of whether it is minor to some people doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the chance to decide for himself before a mortgage, marriage, children etc.

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But that ship has sailed as it was years ago.
All that it will do now is cause pain and drama. And for what?
I'd rather not know honestly.
I'd think i was just being hurt for some reason.. why was it being brought up now?? To what end? I'd be more wary of that than the kiss

Lamentingalways · 06/01/2026 21:29

Thoseslippers · 06/01/2026 21:26

But that ship has sailed as it was years ago.
All that it will do now is cause pain and drama. And for what?
I'd rather not know honestly.
I'd think i was just being hurt for some reason.. why was it being brought up now?? To what end? I'd be more wary of that than the kiss

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I’m not sure what to say other than I don’t think the passing of time makes any difference. I would want to know so that I could decide for myself whether to let it go or not. I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Bones101 · 07/01/2026 01:22

I was cheated on twice. Once was when I was 21 and he was seeing someone behind my back for 3 months. The other was texting women online for months and paying for only fans.

I don't condone cheating but a drunken years many years ago when you were young... let it go and don't tell him. Look at how I was cheated on. It was calculated and went on so long. There is a difference.

suburberphobe · 07/01/2026 01:29

A kiss 5 years ago?? Really?

Be thankfull that was all it was.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 07/01/2026 07:35

Lamentingalways · 06/01/2026 21:12

But this man may found out in another 20 years time from someone else. Regardless of whether it is minor to some people doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be given the chance to decide for himself before a mortgage, marriage, children etc.

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I don't think that there was anything in my post to suggest I thought this was minor. I went through hell for several years; nearly had a breakdown. TBH, sometimes he gets a little sanctimonious during an argument and I still feel like kicking his ass, but that doesn't happen often.

I used to say I'd want to know, and I really believed that. I learned what he had done- I will never be dismissive of it, but if I had a choice, I'd rather not have known. Obviously if it was an emotional or physical affair, or if he gave me other reasons for suspicion, I might feel differently, but a bad choice he made one night in a club in 1979 is something I wish he'd kept his mouth shut about.

From therapy, I've learned that is a valid opinion.

Lamentingalways · 07/01/2026 13:31

Beenwhereyouareagain · 07/01/2026 07:35

I don't think that there was anything in my post to suggest I thought this was minor. I went through hell for several years; nearly had a breakdown. TBH, sometimes he gets a little sanctimonious during an argument and I still feel like kicking his ass, but that doesn't happen often.

I used to say I'd want to know, and I really believed that. I learned what he had done- I will never be dismissive of it, but if I had a choice, I'd rather not have known. Obviously if it was an emotional or physical affair, or if he gave me other reasons for suspicion, I might feel differently, but a bad choice he made one night in a club in 1979 is something I wish he'd kept his mouth shut about.

From therapy, I've learned that is a valid opinion.

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Of course. But it’s your opinion and it’s been formed after having being told the truth. This man hasn’t had the opportunity to form his opinion. I didn’t say you thought it was minor, your post clearly shows it wasn’t minor to you so I don’t know why you would think that was aimed at you. I was referring to the people saying ‘forget it, it was 5 years ago.’ Etc. We just have different opinions that’s all. I think he should know and you don’t and that’s okay.