Help me ignore my peri LAST CHANCE TO HAVE A BABY hormones!

[KMAH20]

Hi,

I have this running in chat, but giving it a go here too.

So this has been going on for quite a while now and it's driving me a little insane 😳

I'm 41 with one DC from previous relationship who is 19 and planning on going to uni this year, so I'm potentially going to be an early empty nester very soon. Have been with DW for over a decade now. Around 5 years ago, we were all set to try for a baby, but with a very heavy heart and for various reasons, decided not to go ahead.
In all honesty, I never really made peace with that decision, even though I know it was the right decision for us.

The eagle eyes will have noticed I said my DW and not my DH, so obviously if we had decided to go ahead, we'd have needed to go down the donor route.

I just can't stop thinking about having a baby! I dream about it now and I wake up in tears sometimes when I realise it's not true.

I know this is my last chance hormones taking over my brain, but how do I ignore and just accept that those days are over. I just can't get my head around not having little ones running around the house ever again (until grandchildren...hopefully) I think christmas always makes this feeling worse, for obvious reasons. I can't lie, I do get jealous of my friends who talk about how excited their little ones are waiting for santa etc.

I'm sure many of you can relate, so it would be great to hear from you and would also be great to get some advice from those who came out the other side and are, hopefully, pleased with their decision.

Thank you 😊

If you have a DC who is 19 you might be a grandma quite soon - just think, all of the fun with none of the work! Meanwhile, start knitting bootees??

Source some people with particularly “wild” loud kids aged 3-8 and invite them around on mass and for overnights.

Speak to friends that are going through really difficult times with their pre-teens & teens and remember you would be in your mid to late 50s by then.

Ok I have just been through this, it's the combination of hormones and empty nest. You'll get even more bereft when DD actually goes to uni. But then, one morning, you'll wake up and realise that everything you just put on hold for the last 19 years is now open to you again.

Do not risk that freedom by signing up for another 19 years. Until you're 60!! Madness!! But you wont realise that until you're out the other side. Sure, 41 year olds have babies, but to do it after you just raised one to adulthood? Doing it twice?? Madness.

@pinkgown haha I don't think I'll be the knitting kind of grandma!

@RandomMess the thing is, I do have quite a few friends who are right in the chaos ages, but maybe I'm forgetting that feeling of when they're actually yours and you have to sort everything. I guess my mushy peri brain cleavily distorts all that and only reminds me of the good times.

@Egglio I can't even think about DC going without feeling like I could burst into tears. I honestly don't know how I'll cope, but that's an entirely new thread, although very much connected to why I'm feeling all this so deeply in the first place I suspect. I think under my circumstances, madness would be fair.

@YourJollyPlayer haha thanks for reminding me of the harsh reality!! 😅 Nothing (besides these desperate hormones). But then as I said, I never really made peace with that decision. That's what I wish I could change.

I personally wouldn’t due to the fertility rollercoaster, sleep deprivation, drudgery of small DC and various increased risks due to age.

It feel you on the empty nester thing, but for the amount of money, energy etc ttc then (all being well) having and bringing up DC you have a lot of alternative options for the next 20 years that would appeal to me much more!

It sounds like you never really came to terms with your previous decision and now that you're in your 40s, you know this is it.

I think with nearly grown kids you'd be foolish to tie yourself down raising little kids again when you are going to be soon paying for higher education and still helping support a young adult because times are tough. You're also looking at stepping up retirement savings. That's a lot of financial stress to bring a baby into.

There's also health issues to be considered. You're at an age where pregnancy itself is more risky. You might not be able to work throughout your pregnancy. You might have a child with specialized medical needs.

I had kids later in life but not as a second family. I had a good savings cushion and I did have health issues during pregnancy that ate those up.

What about fostering? All the chaos with less commitment.

Get a dog.

While I joked about knitting bootees I do have experience of an older mother - my mother was 40 when I was born and my father was 58. I was their first and only child. The plus side - we were financially fine - and I got to spend a lot of time as a child with my father as he was self employed and was interested in everything (he was a bit of an amateur inventor). But by 22 I was an orphan.

Or cat, less work

I had this at exactly the same age (with two DD’s then 16 and 17 and two DSS’s 8 and 9). I actually did get pregnant but had a very early miscarriage. I was devastated at the time. DH was not, (though still supportive), as he didn’t want another baby, and on all practical levels I can see he was right. I still think about it alot and tbh it did affect our marriage quite badly for a time. I’m 46 now and the time is past and I can totally see that it would have been a bad idea. But there will still always be a part of me that feels sad about it. No advice I’m afraid except maybe to make the most of doing all the the things you can do now your children are grown that you wouldn’t be able to do with ease with a baby or small child. I’ve chucked myself into travelling whenever I can, and going to art exhibitions that I fancy and what not. And it does bring me joy. But then I’ve also started HRT so maybe by hormones have also calmed down on the wanting a baby front too.