I come from an ethnic background and got married five years ago. We don’t have children. There is a 10-year age gap, with me being younger. Because of cultural reasons, we didn’t live together before marriage, although we knew each other for three years beforehand.
A few months after getting married, I noticed my husband began nitpicking. Over time, the marriage became emotionally abusive. He frequently swore at me, screamed at me, squared up to me, accused me of things, belittled me, compared me to his exes, insulted my appearance, and tried to control me. He would punch walls, break things around me, and deliberately destroy my belongings. Early in the marriage, he also pushed me, pulled my hair, and threw water on me, although he later stopped. In his mind, he didn’t physically harm me because he never “beat” me.
Financially, I worked more hours than him, paid equally the household expenses, and still did around 90% of the chores. Despite this, he remained unhappy. Within six months of marriage, I discovered he had accumulated £10,000 in credit card debt and spent over £15,000 of his savings on materialistic items like designer clothes. He lied to me for months, saying we were financially fine. Although we didn’t have a joint account, I ended up clearing his debt. After that, I kept our finances separate and took a more proactive role in money management. To be fair, he eventually improved and became more responsible with finances.
Three years into the marriage, he developed a pattern of throwing me out of the house during arguments. The house is in his name. During these episodes, he would empty my wardrobe, throw my belongings outside, and force me to leave. After days or weeks, he would beg me to come back, promise to change, and if I resisted, threaten to harm himself. This cycle happened five or six times. Each time, I stayed at my mum’s and lived out of a suitcase. I became emotionally exhausted.
At the start of last year, he threw me out again. This time, I stayed away for months. He promised to start therapy and never throw me out again. After four months of separation, I agreed to return on the condition that I saw consistent change through actions, and that if he ever kicked me out again, I would file for divorce.
Things improved for a few months. Then, five months ago, he threw me out again. A week later, he tried to repeat the same cycle. I told him I would involve the police if he threatened self-harm again, as it was beyond my capacity to manage. He backed off and became apologetic, promising change and trying for weeks to persuade me to return. I stayed firm and said I wanted a divorce.
After two months of attempting to convince me, he reverted to his abusive behaviour and said he would not discuss divorce at all. That confirmed to me that leaving was the right decision.
I am now going through a solicitor to finalise the divorce. Because there are assets involved and he is being difficult, the process is complicated.
Recently, my brother visited and asked about my situation. I found his response upsetting. He told me to think carefully about whether I truly want a divorce, suggesting I might regret it and that my decision could be emotional. He said that when he divorced, it was different because his ex-wife cheated, which was a clear point of no return. He described my situation as “just a fight” between couples and suggested I take another six months to think things through.
This has left me doubting myself. I wonder if I overreacted or if what I experienced really counts as abuse. Is being repeatedly made homeless not a point of no return? I feel like my experience was minimised, yet part of me questions whether I’m the problem.
Despite these doubts, I am still proceeding with the divorce, as my heart is no longer in the marriage.