Marriage ending

[Paperplanes2]

My husband has battled with drug addiction for many years post-marriage, and it has really damaged our relationship due to the chaos, manipulation, deceit and lack of trust.

He has now been sober for a few months after an awful year of him using almost daily and causing so much hurt and upset to those around him. Since becoming sober, he has been spending a lot of time in contact with a female ‘friend’- lying about meeting at night or being ‘coincidences’ and messaging her.constantly, however states that she is supportive in his recovery which he doesn’t feel I have been (I have been more preoccupied with regaining some peace and normality in my life after so many months of sheer awfulness). I have told him how uncomfortable his relationship with her makes me feel, however he declines to discuss it.

We are in the process of getting our house valued with a view to living separately as things seem irreparable. He is angry and blames me for not being loving and supportive enough, and is in denial about taking accountability for the heartbreak and destruction of trust which he has caused. He does not want to do any relationship counselling to see if there is any way to rebuild our relationship as doesn’t feel it will change anything.

One of his main points of contention is that I haven’t been intimate with him properly for so long due to me feeling unsafe to become vulnerable and intimate; his manipulation and deceit towards me was just overwhelming and previously there had been times he had still gone ahead and used drugs a few days/ weeks afterwards and I would end up feeling used and worthless.

I haven’t made any attempts during this current period of abstinence to be intimate with him but I’m now doubting myself and whether I should give it one last try with the hope of turning things around for us and to know I’ve tried everything? I don’t know if I’m just desperately trying to cling onto our marriage and igniting all the issues that have gone on before- he may well reject me anyway! I never imagined my life to be like this.

So he claims you have not been supportive during his recovery, while completely ignoring all the years you have stayed with him in spite of his terrible behaviour? 🤦

He doesn't seem to value the years you have already given him.

You deserve so much better @Paperplanes2

Yeah fuck that, someone who denies the impact of their addiction on their loved ones or tries to blame the loved ones for being insufficiently enabling is 1) an arsehole and 2) not actually on a sustainable path to recovery. Get out now and don't look back.

Do you still love him?

Paperplanes2

It's totally up to you what you do, of course, but I wonder why you want to stay in the marriage if you feel he is manipulating you.

Taking up with a female friend who he feels is being supportive, when he feels you are not being supportive, not taking account for what he has done, it all sounds very manipulative.

How long have you been together? Do you ahve kids? How old are you OK?

You don't need to answer and in some ways it doesn't make any difference to my thoughts, because it feels like you are stuck in an unhappy, unsafe marriage.

Thanks all for your replies. I am so confused right now and doubting myself about everything about our relationship, whether I’ve done enough, was I to blame, should I have behaved differently, etc. I think that the problem with loving someone with an addiction, is you are lied too and manipulated so much for their own gain and to avoid accountabilit, so it’s hard to know what is fact and reality.
I do love him but I dont know that I can forget how he has treated me over the years and his behaviour now. This other woman has been involved since he became sober (although there always been this weird connection between them that that we’ve argued about so many times) and I’ve stepped away because he’s clearly found solitude in her and not me, and refused to discuss anything about her with me. I also wonder if he’s sober due to her being someone new who is taking up his focus, rather than having to deal with all the damage he has caused to our family and marriage.

@Paperplanes2 - it’s a good and healthy thing that you can’t forget and that you’ve stepped away.

In essence, he’s saying he should have unconditional love from you. That’s wrong. Unconditional love is from parents to children. Children have a right to their parents’ love. Adults don’t have a right to someone else’s love. Letting someone mistreat you and walk over you in the name of love is wrong for you and for them.

Ultimately, love between adults should be conditional. If someone repeatedly mistreats you and batters you emotionally, as he has done, then the healthy thing is to withdraw. This woman hasn’t had to put up with years of abuse from him and she’s now become his supply.

It’s a good and healthy thing that you want to move on. It’s great modelling for your children, if you have them. You not wanting intimacy is a healthy response to someoge abusing you. He may never accept that but so what: he’s blighted your life for long enough. You’ve done more than enough. You’re leaving him behind for the right reasons. He will never take responsibility and even if he did you’re allowed to say it’s too little too late. Screw what he thinks.

@Dery
Thank you- your reply resonated with me. I’ve hoped so much over the years that he would change for the better for himself and his family. I’ve stayed for so long wishing that he would be happy with ‘his lot’ - he had a good job, people like him and he has a lot of nice qualities and is kind and caring towards people when well, he has a nice home, he has people who loved him, however this has never been enough and he is constantly seeking something better or more exciting, or something to block out his internal emotional turmoil- through drugs, alcohol or women.

I think if he was working through a programme with NA or addictions services, it would have helped with his understanding about impact on others and accountability. He feels that he has said sorry and is currently abstinent, so therefore things should change and I should be grateful, but he doesn’t want to reflect or discuss how it has made me and others feel or do the hard work at rebuilding our lives. He is therefore making steps to sell the house and for him to start again whilst leaving me feeling totally confused.

He feels that I should accept some responsibility in the relationship ending and repeatedly tells me that I can never see myself to blame in any part of it. I am aware that I’ve become more detached since I first learned of his drug use many years ago as it came as such a shock and out of the blue and everything though I knew about our relationship just instantly disappeared. I know I’ve become more detached as a way of self preservation and over the years due to his frequent relapses, this stance has protected me and enabled me to keep going, - supporting him whilst also looking after myself.

The lack of sex from my part is due to needing that emotional connection with him and rebuilding trust whereas he feels that if I just made an effort and stepped outside of this and had sex with him, the emotional connection would begin to return. It’s a catch 22 really for both of us. He feels that he has made great efforts to be sober and I’m not making any changes from my side. If I thought that he were not contacting other women etc then I’d be more inclined to make an effort, however he says that I can’t control who he is friends with so we just continue as we are- both not prepared to step out of how we feel.

I know I’m waffling, but my thoughts are just so loud and I can’t make sense of them really as they just go round and round.

OP

re your comment
"Thanks all for your replies. I am so confused right now and doubting myself about everything about our relationship, whether I’ve done enough, was I to blame, should I have behaved differently, etc".

No to any of the above. This is all on him. You have however played the usual roles here; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker. Your own recovery from his addiction has not started yet and will not until you and he are fully separated.

Hope has kept you within this dysfunctional relationship but this is who he is and he is not going to change. You are going to have to let go of all hope now that things will get better re you and he. His primary relationship is with drugs, not you and it's never been with you either. Only he can decide to stop taking drugs, any encouragement from you to do so would be seen as coercion so will never work.

And his emotional relationship with another woman (an addict too) is a disaster waiting to happen.

@Paperplanes2 The gall of your husband to say "If you just made an effort..." is unreal!
If he had "just made an effort" years ago, you would not have needed to distance for your own safety.

He is very quick to blame you while not acknowledging the devastation his own actions caused.