I've messed up my life

[Ceriane]

I feel like I've really messed up my life. I'm in my early 40's, peri menopausal, battling a number of health issues, plus debilitating anxiety and OCD. I work from home, and I'm worried about my job atm. I'm living by myself, and I've just become extremely lonely. I avoid talking about my life when I'm at work etc as I've become really ashamed and when I do see family or friends I just put on a front and pretend I'm okay.

I didn’t stick with anyone I met in my teens, my long term relationship in my 20’s failed, mainly because of the health issues, but also because I was just no longer attracted to him. I was single for most of my 30’s with a bit of dating and the occasional almost relationship here and there but I enjoyed my life, although all through my 30’s I always thought I would meet the one and settle down and get married and have kids like a normal person. I turned 40 completely single and just thought I can’t be bothered looking for someone, if I’m meant to find someone I just will, if not I’m happy as I am, I then had a year recovering from anxiety, then left it to chance as the idea of actively looking just seemed so daunting.

Over the past year I'm not in a great place health wise and the thought of dating or trying to meet someone now just fills me with dread, I have so much anxiety and health issues that are getting in the way. I can’t explain to people why I'm in the situation I'm in and I just feel old and past it and feel like I really messed up my life and I feel so ashamed and like a sense of loss that my life didn't go the "normal" way. I'm just beating myself up over it constantly and going over past relationships, people I dated when I was younger and giving myself a hard time about why didn't I just make it work. I just feel so lost and I don't know what I want for my future.

I just feel like I could have had a different life if I'd have maybe pushed myself a bit more with dating when I was younger. I know it's not all about having a man, and I've always thought people who think that's all life is about are stuck in the dark ages, but I've become completely lost and feel so much shame around it all.

It’s January, we’ve just had a whole season of happiness lobbed in our faces.

Ypu don’t need a partner you’ve done perfectly fine without one, but you are feeling a bit lonely - it’s the season to feel miserable and discontent.

Anxiety robs you of the belief you can make anything better, or see anything from a positive angle - but, it’s never too late, to try a new hobby, meet new people and get er gaps meet a partner.
Set some targets in banystes and just keep moving forward - but - you have to live yourself before you can love anyone else or expect anyone else to love you.

I didn’t want to read and run OP

I think the first post nails it. I think you need to start by being kind to yourself and then try and build a friendship group from either joining things that have both men and women within the group, I think you’re more likely to meet someone if you have a wider circle of friends and especially if you’re not looking for someone.

Maybe a new hybrid job might help

I hear you love it looks harder then it actually is. The one thing that worked for me was starting a hobby blokes would be at. Its fine to want to be loved abd to love nothing wrong with that

Thank you. I think it is just that time of year where I’m really overthinking my life. I don’t even know what I want anymore so just plan on living my life, getting out more (when up to it) and see what happens. I believe that what is meant for you won’t go by you.

I have perhaps an odd look on life, I spent ten years on my own after a mess of a first marriage, pretty fed up I didn’t meet anyone again until approaching 40 but what I thought was this, the man of my dreams wasn’t available because he was still happily married, she then left him, and I found him.

your dream man isn’t where you are for whatever reason, but start getting out and about to make sure you bump t into him 💐

I don't know if you're getting help for your anxiety but I want to recommend a therapy that stopped me having screaming oanic attacks. It is called acceptance and commitment therapy. It's mindfulness based. It gave me the power back to control my anxiety and how to stop myself spiralling. Normal.CBT doesn't work on severe anxiety.

I'd also recommend the 5 senses techique.

I understand that panic of thinking you've ruined your life. I'm also at a stage where I went through a grieving period. I wasted too much time, also battling things in my life and my mental health and late ADHD diagnosis.

However, last year I started the wheels in motion to change my life. I've lost 3 and a half stone on wegovy, slow going since last may but I'm keeping on with it. Trying to actually live my life instead of watch others live theirs. I have a plan for myself and if it doesn't work, at least I've tried.

I am being cryptic but my life is not what I thought it would be. I also just assumed I'd have things by now. It hasn't happened so I've got to try to make it happen or make peace with it. I won't go down without a fight. Good luck to you op. It's a very lonely place to be but I will be thinking of you.

I think.it would be a good idea to try to socialise a bit. Is there a club you could attend? Book club? I would not worry about meeting anyone as yet, it would be better to wait until you are in a better place emotionally. I have had a couple of short relationships and am.in my mid 50s Re work is there any way u could go into the office, even if it's onli 1 day a week? January is not usually great for many of us. Hope u find some solutions OP. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you both,

I really think you need to stop with the shame that you're not doing exactly the same as others OP. Disappointment that life didn't go exactly as you dreamed is understandable - life is often disappointing in one way or another unfortunately - but shame doesn't help anyone or anything. There is no shame in being single and no shame in not bringing children into this pretty scary world.

I think that maybe getting out is really difficult because of your MH issues, but not getting out enough is really bad for your MH. It's like a vicious circle.

I think you need to do all you can to improve your physical and mental health (if you're not already). I think you need to continue to take the pressure off yourself to meet 'the one' but get out and about because isolating yourself is going to have a negative impact on your MH. Try lots of different things over a decent period of time and appreciate that some - or even a lot of it - won't be for you in the end, but hopefully something will stick and you'll meet some nice people along the way.

Be kind to yourself! There is absolutely nothing wrong with the life you're living. Just keep moving forward and try not to dwell too much on the past.

As you have health problems try some gentle exercise groups, meditation classes. Some councils and doctors' surgeries in England do health walks which are graded. Try a singing group or choir, some local theatres want volunteers, not necessarily on a regular basis. Really anything that gets you out and meeting people which will lift your mood and outlook on life.

If someone suggests going for coffee/tea/cake or somewhere just for a laugh, go with it every time if you aren't working. Never refuse a genuine invitation, and try inviting people yourself.

Hi op,

Im married with an amazing child but I can relate to you in every other way. Past mistakes torture me constantly. Ocd is a bitch!

You can still have kids even if by yourself. There's options available. Take time to get yourself better and then weigh up your options

Thank you… all such good advice.

I think I just got out of habit of leaving the house as much recently so have been overthinking and I feel sure that when I do start getting out and about again my mind will move on and I won’t feel as overwhelmed by it all.

If you need to chat feel free to PM me. You're not alone. The MH board helps me on rough days/weeks too. Try and focus on the positives

Thank you so much!