Ex Husband has started to dictate

[WhiteFlowerSunshine]

Evening ladies I don't know if anyone's been in a similar situation so here goes.

I split up with my husband in late 2022 after our relationship became more like housemates. We have a child together who is nearly 9 years of age and is on the pathway for SEN.

My ex husband has always worked away as a lorry driver only seeing our child on a weekend even when we were married.

Since the separation and divorce he has always had him on the weekend Friday after school until Sunday. We have had our ups and downs but 2025 we have worked together co parented really well and our communication was going really well. We had agreed never to introduce our child to any partner until at least 6 month I stuck to it however he did not and I always bit my tongue as what happens at his house is not my business.

November 2025 child's father was dropping them off and he asked for a chat, and I was basically told that he was only going to have our child on a Friday night and brought back on a Saturday. I work full time I do the school run every day and leave work early to pick our child up as they do not do well with wrap around care and I bring them back to work so I can continue my job until my finish time.
Our child has thrived with routine and any slight changes throws them off and leads to meltdowns and I get the brunt of it. Our child opened up to me and said dad was in a relationship and I gave nothing but positive words and saying how happy I was for him.

Since dad has been in a relationship our child feels pushed out and not wanted, in previous relationships my ex partner has has had, the child has not felt like this. Our child has started acting up because they feel like they are being deprived of time with Dad because of new relationship. They have been telling lies to Dad and dad is punishing child by not seeing them, our child thinks the absolute world of dad regardless of what he is doing to them. This week dad has sent a message dictating when and for how long he is seeing our child and wants a diary etc and I have declined because he's wanting to change what he requested in November. I got back that he's allowed a life etc. I actually know his current partner's ex husband and have read the emails that she sends him and the way my messages read from my ex they are being written by her. I genuinely do not know how to approach it with ex husband because he has became a nasty piece of work since meeting his current girlfriend. Being a full time working SEN mum is very difficult and I unfortunately do not have the family or friend support network around me to help. I am dreading the weekend when our child comes back early and will have to deal with a meltdown that they will have as they thought they were spending the full weekend with Dad as last weekend was only short.

I also forgot to add that our child is not allowed to text their dad to ask what time they are being picked up but ex husband knows our child likes structure and to know times etc this rule came into place 2 weeks ago

It sounds like you have a busy life and could really do with a full weekend off.

Unfortunately it’s not typical for men to work all week and have their children all weekend every single weekend. One night only a week is rubbish for you as not a real break.

Could you suggest he has him 3 weekends out of 4, but all weekend. That way he gets some weekend time to go on dates/go away for the weekend with his new partner, but you get a bit more of a break most weeks?

He requested in November once a month he would have them a Friday night and bring them back on a Saturday and once a month he would have them Friday Saturday and bring them home early Sunday and the other two weeks would be kept normal. I accepted in exchange that his mam would help out once a month having our child and doing the school run. This never happened. First week in December he had his short weekend and the weekend after was normal. We then went away the week before Christmas and earlier in the year agreed that on way home from airport I would drop our child off this changed on our way home and dad decided he would just see them Saturday and it broke our child because it wasn't part of the agreement. Over the Christmas holidays dad was off work and dictated when he was having our child and I just accepted. I am not getting a break and I am drained I am not an emotional person but I have found my self crying because I don't know what to do for the best interests of our child and I feel like it's going to get to the point of dad just wanting to see our child once a month.

I know this isn't about money, but doesn't this change mean he pays more CS?

I'm also wondering if you could suggest every other weekend. The full weekend, instead of just one day a weekend. That gives him a chance to have some weekends free.

DUPLICATE POST

Ive had issues with that as well but I'm over that now with money. My issue is how dad is affecting childs mental health by changing their routine and telling our child not to guilt trip him when trying to express how they are feeling about change. Our child has taken a dislike to this new partner because of what's happening and I have done nothing but be positive suggest to our child that they spend some one on one time getting to know their dad's new partner but I am just getting negative responses from our child

It sounds difficult.

I can understand him wanting some weekends for his relationship, but they should be done with consideration for your child, especially with the SEN challenges.

It's hard to reason with someone like him, especially if he's guilt tripping your child.

Our communication has been good up until this new relationship. I have tried to be positive for our child because of the changes. Before Christmas our child had lied to dad about me saying it was ok to stay an extra day and rather than asking me he's took our child's word for it and when I got worried that they hadn't returned home I contacted dad and he went through our child like a tonne of bricks about lying I know why they done it because they wanted extra time with their dad due to us being away I don't agree to our child lying but to me it's a cry for attention and was punished. I was debating mediation but as it's voluntary I believe it wouldn't be stuck too and feel like a court order maybe the only way around it

The original, every weekend arrangement with ex was too much, surely you want quality time to do things with your DC, not just evenings after school? Apply to family court for a child arrangement order, to get contact formalised. I'd ask for full weekends of contact for both parent, ideally alternating every other weekend. It's fairly normal for non resident parent to have a evening contact during the week one evening, but not your fault your ex working away prevents that. So maybe propose to add in one extra Fri to Saturday with your ex on one of your fortnightly weekends, if you're ok only having one full weekend in 4 with your DC?

Accept that you're going to do vast majority of the parenting and ex isn't going to step up. He's clearly being influenced by his new partner, but there's little you can do about that. If/when they split, there's a good chance he'll try to mess you and DC around by changing contact arrangements yet again, another reason to get contact formalised by court order.

A court order won’t help you, and is very, very stressful when you already sound like you are carrying the weight of the world.
Court will not force him to have the child at all, even if he said one hour a month, they can’t insist on more.
Even if he agrees to more in court and it’s written in the order, that’s only means you have to give him the child. If he doesn’t turn up nothing happens. Nobody forces him to.

Maybe if you went through the CSA for more maintenance money, it may make him reconsider reducing time
with your son?

This is a good idea imo. Op don’t expect him to change because he won’t, his happiness is far more important to him than his child’s. When he splits with his current girlfriend expect him to start trying to change Contact days again.

Don’t get a court order. All the obligations will be on you and none on him. It’s all terribly unfair.
I do think that every weekend is a little unfair however on your ex and he has a point about having a life. Equally it would be good for you to have weekend time with your child. I get that it feels you are doing all the drudge work and need a break but you’re not getting to have fun with your child- a day out in the woods, beach, a picnic where you talk about the world together. Perhaps your ex having the child two long weekends might serve you all well.
I am a parent whose ex moved far away so only had our child very occasionally, I work full time and understand the need for a break but I look back now and treasure all the little days out with my child.

I’m a single parent too, one of my kids has SEN so I get how hard it is juggling work and life.

Your ex is being really unreasonable, but my gut feeling is that this will get worse rather than better.

I think that you should expend your time and energy on building a village for yourself and your son, rather than trying to improve things with his dad.

Try and find 3 or 4 other mums who you like, with kids the same age, who you could trust to have your child when you need them to. If you have family elsewhere, try and build a schedule where they regularly have ds. Try and find a holiday club / childcare which he can tolerate, and a paid babysitter who he likes. So that you aren’t reliant on dad for a break.

Then I would say to dad that ds needs reliability and consistency. That you’re ok with him reducing time but that you’re not ok with him chopping and changing because it’s so upsetting for DS.

Every other weekend for you both would be the solution surely?

Can you suggest he has the child for one night on the week end and an evening for tea in between? If he has him for tea mid week he may be more focused on him as its a shorter time?
I would be encouraging my child to have a voice and tell the father!

He can't unfortunately because he works away Monday to Friday. Ive suggest his mam helps out once a month to do the school run. I don't mind the every other weekend he only has him one night but it's the dictating and everything is on his terms it's not so you have any plans this weekend I have to stop what im doing. He won't give me a time when he's picking him up I have to sit and wait until he messages saying I'm on my way

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Correct but he wants to change that .. he's heavily influenced by this new woman and the way he speaking to me is disgusting and I'm biting my tongue. Even when he's home during the week as he sometimes is he never offers to get our child. He lies to me and says he's not home but he forgets me and his boss are extremely good friends .. I was invited to their staff Christmas party .. guess who wasn't ..

He was the one that suggested every weekend this was not on me. I am happy to do every other weekend. Unfortunately he does not come from a broken home which I did and I always rotated between my dad's and grandparents. My mam wasn't in the picture so I didn't see her.

I would try and negotiate a time for collection, something he agrees with. Then send him a polite letter/email/text (so its in writing). Say if he doesnt turn up within half an hour of the given time, you will presume contacts not hapoening that weekend and get on with your day. Its unexceptable that you are waiting around all weekend, if you dont nip this in the bud now, this kind of behaviour will esculate.
If hes not there within the half an hour, go out and get on with your day.