Should you husband share everything with you?

[HazelC95]

Been with my husband for 9 years, married for nearly 3.
I was cooking this evening and he left his phone on the side, a message appeared from one of his family members. I only saw the first couple of lines of the message but it seemed as if they were mid argument, and it had my name in it.

While eating, I asked if he’d heard from anyone today (quite a regular question we ask each other) and he said ‘only your dad’ which wasn’t person who sent him the message I saw….

Now, would you expect your husband to share it with you… I now feel like he’s hiding something, and why?
I literally tell him everything…

I would trust that if my husband wasn’t sharing his family drama with me then it would be for a good reason.

Do you tell him everything? All the intimate details of conversations with your friends and family?

This would alarm me too.

Is this the modern version of listeners hear no good of themselves?

No I don’t expect to share everything with anyone, even my dh, unless it’s on a need to know basis. I would trust his judgement.

Do you tell him about every single text message and interaction you have?
why are you automatically jumping to it’s something negative?

i think i would expect him to share everything that is relevant to me, so in this case yes i would expect him to share.

my first thought is that he has done something wrong (got into debt, for example) and his relative is mad at him for hiding it from you.

I suppose he could also be protecting you in some way.

do you remember the wording?

I would be trying to get a look at his phone if im honest.

I think I would trust him to have my back tbh.

It's going to niggle at you though so you should mention what you saw if it's going to play on your mind.

No I don’t share everything especially not the minutiae of conversations why would I? You have assumed a lot from a couple of lines and if my name was in a message I wouldn’t assume the worst and I would trust my OH to respond appropriately. If I need to know he will tell me.

@muggart that’s some leap, unless you’re projecting, that scenario wouldn’t enter my head.

He probably thinks it's of no real consequence. So not worth sharing. Where do you draw the line with every single interaction?

There is a difference between not volunteering every bit of information and downright lying.
Your H lied to you when you asked if he'd heard from anyone and that would really concern me. Because liars lie about anything and everything and not just one thing.

Sometimes if there is family drama that has other half being discussed it is best not to disclose it, because that could cause more issues between the couple. In these kind of situations it is the DH or DW has to take the brunt and face the consequences of each other

I’d expect if my spouse said “have you heard from anyone” I’d expect had they meant has something big and dramatic occurred. Not a day to day exchange. So dsis and I talking about dc school and if shut or not from snow!

What did it say about you?

If this family member of his has said something unpleasant about you, then surely he's doing the right thing by not telling you, and protecting you from it.

Well your interpretation is different from mine. If someone asked me a direct question as OP did her H I would give the information even if was to say yes I heard from so and so but it was only such and such. I wouldn't deliberately not mention something as OP's H did.

What if they know he is cheating on her and want him to tell her?

It's hard to know without the context of what was in the message

I think you have to bring this up because otherwise it's going to be playing on your mind. It's impossible to guess at what it was about so I think you have to bring it up.

If it's worth anything, my MIL often uses FIL's phone to text DH (nothing sinister, she's just lazy). So a message blatantly written by MIL appears under FIL's name. I'm willing to bet that it might be who you think it is, but it's showing up under another name. I hope you get the clarity you're after.

I kept something I had heard (and knew bits of) about BIL from DH for a few years. During an argument I disclosed what I had heard/knew thinking DH wouldn't disclose this to him but would retain in his head for the future. DH repeated what I told him and it has caused all sorts of issues about trust, knowledge etc. I will never confide in my DH anything again.

He is having an affair.

In Jamaica we have a saying- 'is not everyting good fi eat, good fi talk'...
Roughly translate to 'not everything you experience or know is suitable to share or gossip about' per Google...

Someone may have said something about you that he thinks is unwise to pass on. Why cause you unnecessary upset?

Someone may have shared a secret, and he's been instructed not to share it with you. Again, perfectly reasonable.

It's okay for you to want to share everything you know with him, but it's unreasonable to expect he may never want to practise discretion. Not everyone is loose-lipped.