Is there any fixing this?

[RoseBiscuit77]

There's a lot of issues in my relationship that I just don't know if can be fixed, if they're actually real problems or just my hormones since I am pregnant.

My partner is always putting his friends before me, we've had many arguments over this and though he makes promises to start prioritising me he still makes it clear that I'm his last priority whenever it comes to it. As well as this there's so many smaller issues in our relationship. He is lazy, even with me being pregnant he can't step up to help out more without being asked, I'm just expected to do everything all the time. If I ever want to spend time with him, I have to do what he wants, there's no compromise it's either what he wants or to do our own thing separately. Whenever we argue he gaslights me into reacting bigger so he can make out like I'm the problem, even when the argument was over something he did. He twists facts, to try and make me feel like things are just in my head or that I'm remembering things wrong. He makes empty promises and then when he breaks them, he conveniently "forgets" that he promised that and I'm supposed to just accept that excuse.

We've had a few conversations about breaking up, I'll breakdown in tears to him explaining how he's making me feel and he will pretend to care he'll even cry along with me until we decide to keep trying. And then as soon as there's another argument he will throw all that back in my face as though I was wrong to feel these things and I'm just trying to "pick him apart".

Everything tells me this relationship is wrong for me, but I'm so scared to leave. I'm scared to make the wrong choice and not have my baby's father around all the time. I grew up without my dad and I don't want to make any decisions that leads to that for my son. I also know that if we did breakup, he will absolutely tell everybody a twisted version of the truth to make me out to be a monster, he's told lies about me before when we thought it was over and I don't want his family having a false perception of me, not when they're all still going to be part of my life for the baby's sake. I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. Do I keep trying?

How far along in the pregnancy are you? Do you have your own home? Are you married?

I'm almost 24 weeks, we're not married and no I don't have my own house. We currently rent together, but it's a house that his step mother owns and I'm not on the tenancy agreement.

That sounds tough OP. A lot of mumsnet replies tend towards LTB (which well might be the right step) but just to say you should seek advise IRL before deciding what to do. Have you talked to your midwives about this? Could you get perinatal mental health support? There's no shame in it, and it'll support you in your decision making. You mentioned you don't know what's pregnancy hormones vs. genuine issues - they'll help you decipher it.

I would also recommend making sure you're protected under any circumstance. ❤️ Emergency fund, planning on supports outside of your partner - even if you'll stay you'll need them! And making sure you have secure housing.

Do you have somewhere you could stay if you left? Do you work? How would you support yourself and a baby?

He sounds awful btw and you don't need his permission/agreement to leave if you are unhappy. If he badmouths you to his family, you will just have to deal with it at the time.

You need to be a priority here, not an option. He's made you an option.

It may feel, scary to leave but it is going to be a lot more harder for you and your child if you were to stay with him. I am sorry you grew up without your dad but this man is likely not going to be a great father to your child as he has other priorities like his friends and they will remain so.

He has a nice set up at your overall expense and you are vulnerable also because you are not married nor named on a tenancy agreement. Let his family say crap about you if you split up; these are mere words and those that mind do not matter. Those that matter do not mind.

Who cares if his family have a false perception of you when they are not nice people in any case?. You know the truth here and that is all that matters. Stop worrying about what other people will think and think about what you and your child 's future is going to look like. His stepmother is not looking out for you is she and she is going to side with her stepson in any case.

I would seriously consider giving this child your surname rather than his going forward and potentially prepare for single parenthood. Where are your own family and friends here; can you move back to your hometown or live with your parents for a while?. How supportive and or helpful are they?.

No to sound harsh but you need to stop thinking about yourself and start advocating for your child.

Your partner is an arsehole. Leave for your child if not for yourself.

Then do a freedom program and learn some better relationship techniques so you can build self esteem and self respect.

Do you work?
Unmarried and living in his home you've made yourself incredibly vulnerable. If you were my DD, as much as I wouldn't be thrilled, I'd be wanting you home until you got on your feet. .

If you knew he was a lazy, feckless idiot why did you get pregnant by him?

It sounds like you’ve communicated these issues countless times and he’s just consciously choosing to keep upsetting you. You keep going back and forgiving him so he gets no repercussions because he manipulates you every time into taking him back.

You need a proper break and some distance from him to decide what you want to do. Is there anywhere you can go whilst you gain some clarity away from him? Your mum/dad’s or a close friend or do you have money for an Air bnb or something?

It wont get any better when baby is here. Sorry.
And youll be at your most vulnerable after birth. Do you have family you can stay with and get support from?

It won't get any better @RoseBiscuit77 . It will get worse.
Find somewhere else to live.
When the baby arrives, give the baby your surname.