I see lots of posts about the mental load. They might not be addressed as this, or even recognised as this. (For those not familiar with this term, it's the list of things we carry in our head for the home and family life - things that need doing, organising, sorting, attention, delegating, outsourcing and executing). It's constantly updating with more 'to do's throughout the day. It's basically never ending. The volume of the list increases tenfold when you add children into the mix!
I am going to speak from my own experience because this is all I know. (I'm in a heterosexual relationship. I am female, partner is male).
I have a bee in my bonnet about carrying the mental and I'm feeling frustrated by it. Women tend to be the ones to hold most of it, especially if they have children. I have one child.
It affects relationships deeply. Resentment builds. Score keeping increases. Sex is withheld. Arguements happen. Communication breaks down. Some relationships don't survive it, and I can understand why.
Because I only have one child, I work part-time, and DH pays more into the household than I do, I have this feeling that I have no right to complain about the mental load. But, I find myself working in the home past when DC and DH have sat down to relax, or even gone to bed. Now don't get me wrong, DH doesn't take the view that it should all fall on me. He does the obvious - such as tidy the kitchen after eating (I go in after to clean the hob, backsplash, cupboards and wipe the table). He's good at emptying the dishwasher. Food shops (I seem to be in charge of writing the list of what we meed). Putting the bins out, making lunch for DC when he's around, and cook meals for all of us (depending on what's on the menu). He gets up with DC on the weekends so I can have an hour to myself. He'll hoover if prompted. Will do most things if I'm directing him. The problem is, this is a part of the mental load - managing other family members to get things done. Or finishing jobs that aren't complete. (Passion killer as well. Having to prompt and manage your spouse). Men, in my experience just don't see it, or realise it's actually a thing.
Yesterday I cooked two meals (one for tea, and a batch meal). I tidied the kitchen behind me after the batch cooking. When I cooked our evening meal I loaded the dishwasher and piled the stuff in the sink that needed washing by hand. The draining board had no room from the washing up I'd done earlier in the day. Then I thought, I'm not doing it. The bin was overflowing. I didn't do it. I left it all in a silent protest. I planned to leave it there today, because although I'm home, why should I do it all. I could have asked for help. But why should I? I will eventually, because I can't stand the mess. AKA - it's adding to the mental load.
I've started reading a book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I saw it recommended to another poster on MN.
Reading it has prompted me to write a list of all the tings I do for the home and family. And my goodness I feel validated for feeling the way I do. From 7 AM - 9:30 AM the list has 18 things on it! These things, or most of them would still be done if I was going to work today. I haven't included what I need to do for myself (coffee, shower, hair, dressed). DH got up, got washed and dressed. Probably had a drink, grabbed something to eat and then drove to work. That's it. That's his morning routine. Nothing done towards family and home. By the time I get to work, I've done loads and then do my paid work.
I haven't got to the part of the book which explains how to get your OH to take on some of the load, but so far I feel it would help so many couples that are on the verge of separation because of the imbalance.
Anyone else read it? If so, do you have any positive stories of how you've implemented it, or had success with getting some time back/freeing up space in the brain, and improving your relationship?