Unable to leave husband and move from England to NI

[dampsquib94]

I'm at the stage where I don't quite want a divorce, but I want to know what my options are. I am constantly let down and disappointed by him-- it's never anything major, but it's relentless minor things over and over again every single day that demonstrate a total lack of care and respect for me. No matter how many times I point them out and ask for them to be kept in mind.

Anyway. We live in England, I am from NI. We have one child. And now I've found out that I'm not able to leave with my child and go to NI. I can move within England, but where would I go? I'm a SAHM with no connections whatsoever here. Surely this can't be an uncommon situation? It feels like this is a form of coercive control honestly-- he knows I can't make any serious plans to leave, so he doesn't have to make any serious attempts to change. And this is something the government just... allows?

Of course you cannot just up sticks and take your child back to NI away from his/her dad... It would not be in the child's interest.

I am also from NI btw and married to an English man and living in England.

That's helpful, thanks!

No matter how much you want to leave your marriage your husband is still your child’s father and has a right to see him, and your child has a right to see both parents. This is the chance you take when you have children in a different country (I am also from NI and had my son in England). It’s really nothing to do with coercive control, it’s just preserving the rights of your child, and both parents. I have heard of some parents in this situation who live in different countries and the parents spend a lot of time on Ryanair, but that’s usually for older children. Sadly, thems the breaks, But I wish you luck.

Sorry, what help are you looking for?

Your op said you wanted to go back to NI and considered it coercive control that you cannot, so I was answering that comment.

If you want to leave you husband and stay in England, that's a separate question and I'm sure someone can advise. I personally would start looking for a job to begin with. Having your own income will definitely help. If not that, you need to talk to your husband about separating or speak to a solicitor about how you would fare in a divorce.

Do you have access to money?

Assuming this a relationship breakdown and not an abusive situation, it’s fair enough that you can’t just leave over seas with your child. I can imagine it would also be a problem if you wanted to move to the other end of England. You are both parents and your child has a a right to a relationship with both of you.

Could counselling help? May help find a solution that suits you both.

You can't just take your child and move anywhere in England either.

I’m in NI. Why can’t you move home? Is it something that the family courts impose? What age is your child? I would start by having extended holidays in NI - you can get support from family and show your DC your culture. I know nothing about the legalities of moving back unfortunately.

what I would also say is that having young dc (I’m not sure what ages yours are) really
put strain on a marriage, and things improve as they get older.

You obviously can go back to NI. You aren't a prisoner. But you can't move your child there as he/she has two parents and has a right to have a relationship with both parents.

I do sympathise as I was also a sahm for a bit and remember feeling a bit trapped by that. But that wasn't my husband's fault (in my case)

Hopefully this won’t turn into a pile on for you. Relationship breakdowns are hard and feeling isolated is horrible. Please consider marriage therapy, if anything it may help you split up more calmly.

It's not coercive control. And you can make serious plans to leave. You just need a few steps in-between them and now. Getting a job and building support network, for example. You are not likely to be able to remain a SAHM when you separate unless your husband is happy to continue supporting you to do so in separation.

You wouldn’t be able to move to anywhere in England with your child either unless your dh agreed. To move a substantial distance (that would impact regular contact) you will need to go through the courts.

Kindly OP imagine your husband wanted to move your child so far away, and you had to get a plane to get there. Even if he’s a knob to you, I don’t think anyone deserves that (unless there’s abuse of course). Plus it’s not usually in the child’s best interest either.

If you split, that doesn’t mean you will be alone. There are options - if you could find a job that’ll allow you to work remote you could fly back to NI regularly to see family?

sorry you’re going through this, sounds very stressful and difficult.

Of course you can move back to NI, but you would need court approval and it seems DH would take steps to obstruct you. Sometimes its granted, sometimes it's not. Depends on lots of other factors.

Really hope you are ok op. This must feel impossible right now.

This time of year makes everything harder. Especially if you are missing family

You need to focus on getting yourself independently established where you are.

How old is the child? Did you work before baby came along? Do you rent or own a house together?

Do you think your husband should be able to move to another country with your child without your consent?

You need a job, a home and a demonstrable support network to show why NI is in the interests not only of you but also your DC. That doesn’t have to be family, although traditionally that’s the norm but good friends and also childcare. You need to show how you can facilitate contact with your soon to be exh be that accompanying DC one way on flight or ferry depending on age etc. It’s acceptable for you to stay with family short term while waiting for housing but you will need work and schools sorted fast.