Marriage

[ThatNewReader]

I’m hoping for some advice as im
really struggling at the moment. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and we have three children 15, 8 and 3. I’ve not been happy for a long time- he’s a really decent guy and a great dad. But he has a tendency to be very negative, quite critical and to get very stressed. Over time it has gotten me down and I spend a lot of time feeling irritable and resentful. I’m missing laughter and joy in a relationship. I care about him a lot but from my perspective it feels much like a friendship. But a year ago we made a big move away from London and have a big mortgage that i can’t manage on my own- I work full time and earn ok money- but not enough to pay our mortgage. I’m feeing so stuck and full of regrets that we moved away from friends in London. I don’t know what I was thinking tbh- I think I thought a change would help- but I feel so trapped and stuck. I also still work in London and so have a long commute twice a a week. I know that I need to be honest about my feelings with my husband. But I’m so scared of hurting him and unsettling our children. My husband doesn’t really have any friends and our boys are everything to him. I think he just know I’m unhappy but we haven’t spoken about this. I just don’t know how to broach it. I’ve wondered about staying together until the children are older but I’m not sure I can do that without us ending up hating each other! Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Yes I have.

Feelings are outside our control. Our actions are within.

There are many excellent books on relationships (and podcasts too, I am sure).

My favourites are Why Women Talk and Men Walk and Loving Against the Odds.

Ultimately you and your husband need to talk. And it has to be initiated by you. All weddings and funerals are always organised by women. Men are simply clueless about interpersonal relationships

I hope it helps

Can you afford to have your own smaller property and dh stay in the existing home ?

Hi all, I’m hoping for some advice or just general thoughts. I apologise in advance for the long post. My DH and three boys- 15, 8 and 3 moved from SE London to a large town about an hours drive away in October 24. I was hesitant to move but the main reasons for the move were that my DH and I couldn’t find a property in London we both liked (things got quite stressful with loads of viewings and him not liking any of the houses.) We also struggled to find a big enough house for our budget, felt it would be safer for our boys and wanted to be closer to friends/ family. But sadly I’m so unhappy in our new house for lots of reasons. I haven’t seen much more of friends- they’re all understandably busy with their own families. I’m struggling with the long commute as I still work in London a couple of times a week. I have quite a full on job and find it much harder than I thought I would not being able to be as responsive as I would like. It’s also very tiring and expensive! I’ve struggled to make new friends despite trying hard. My sons new school doesn’t seem very friendly or sociable and I’m missing the community feel where we lived before. I feel quite lonely. I think one of the hardest things is that where we have moved to I grew up so I know the area well. I had a difficult adolescence- won’t go into the details- but a bereavement followed by problems with drugs and a sexual assault and various other difficult situations. I feel so foolish for not anticipating this but I’ve struggled with a lot of bad memories and reminders. I don’t think this meets a PTSD threshold but it’s been unsettling. I’m so lucky that I’ve never really struggled with my mental health but this last year I have felt so unhappy and anxious and have spent a huge amount of time ruminating on the mistake I’ve made and feeling full of regrets and feeling so angry with myself. I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have a nice house and thankfully our boys have settled well. But I can’t shake this desperate need to move again and back to London. I think I’m also premenopausal which I’m sure is making things worse. I’ve tried telling my DH how I feel but he immediately shuts it down. He repeats ‘we are NOT moving again’ and has been getting really frustrated with me. Im
usually the ‘cheerful’ one and he’s prone to moods/ stress so he’s frustrated that I’m unhappy. Realistically moving would be hard as I can’t unsettle the boys again and financially it would be really tough. So he’s right I suppose- but I find his response upsetting. I feel that if he was to agree to compromise- perhaps that we could look into it after my oldest finishes school- it would help a lot with me feeling more positive. I was hoping to get others thoughts if they had ever been in a similar situation. I feel like I’m slightly losing my mind! I’m due to start some therapy soon so I’m hoping this may help
clear My head a bit. Thank you for reading!

Living with someone whose default position is always negative is very wearing and emotionally draining, I have huge experience of this , I’m guessing he has always been like it ? Unfortunately you will never change that on a permanent basis . Everything you describe is salvageable IMO if he is willing to talk , does he actually realise you are so unhappy and considering separating?
This may shock him into action , probably best to try and have this chat when the children are not around , from experience he will probably go on the offensive to start with . Are you still having a physical relationship with him ?

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes he’s always been like that. We’ve split up before but got back together and things have improved for a time but gotten worse again. Yes it’s really draining and gets you down. I don’t think he realises- i’m awful for bottling things up and find it hard to be open about my feelings with him- weirdly not with others. I’m a therapist so it’s my job to talk about feelings but with him it’s hard. I definitely need to try to talk to him I know.

My DH was like this, at times it was emotional abuse as the nit picking was intended to bring me down. He was rarely kind to me in the end and his moods were awful.

He actually broke up with me but I’m glad he was the one to do it. I would have stayed in that awful situation even longer.

Stop tormenting yourself and leave him to his moods, it’ll be bliss when you’re not walking on egg shells!

Thank you! Yes I think I would be happier but worried about the impact on my kids. As much as he’s difficult to live with he’s a good dad and they are his world. He’d be heartbroken for the family to split up and I’d feel so guilty. But I know it’s not good for anyone to carry on an u happy relationship. It’s so tough!

I think that you need to have a very good conversation with your husband.