Single mum over 3 years now, will I ever move on with someone else

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

As the title says my very long term relationship ended over 3 years ago. Im 40 now with 2 kids under 10 and feel like I'll never successfully find another partner especially at this point in my life with kids.

I was very much devoted to my ex (kids dad) I thought i had my entire life mapped out with him as we were together over 18 years. I loved my little family life. It wasnt always sunshine as no relationship ever is but after hitting postnatal depression and communication breaking down he walked out and met someone else fairly quickly and made a whole other family.

That all shattered me, it still does to be honest. But what shatters me more is that I feel like I cant allow anyone else in like he did. I became very independent, I self isolated a lot to deal with what I was feeling. I cant imagine allowing another man to be close to me or intimate with me. Which annoys me more because I feel I should be able to jump ship like he did, especially as I have remained single all this time, to allow myself time to feel and process what I needed to feel.
I dont find myself physically attracted to anyone, I cant imagine relearning a new person all over again or me telling someone else all about me. The majority of my life and memories are with the kids dad, the man I thought id be with forever.

Im so afraid of getting hurt or abandoned again. I really thought 3 years on id be in a totally different frame of mind. It has hurt me to see him moving on so freely and building with another person like I stood for nothing yet I still cant imagine being with anyone else.
When is this feeling going to pass. Ive so much love to give but im just so afraid of putting so much into someone else to get hurt again. I dont even know if anyone would want to be with a 40 year old single mum with kids under 10 who still take up the majority of my life and time. I feel so stuck and feel like im going to remain stuck in this feeling. Id really love to hear other people's stories and what they done or if they ever successfully found someone else after the storm

It will happen when you least expect it!
Im similar age to you, kids similar ages, single 4 years (dabbled a bit in OLD but it never went anywhere) got bored of it and the inane convos so came off. During this time I came to be independent again, regained hobbies, planned things with friends and decluttered my house....was perfectly happy me and my kids and felt i didnt need someone (took a good few years tho) Out of nowhere when I wasnt looking i met someone IRL and weve been together over a year. He slotted in amazingly I never thought id ever find someone who would want me in my 40s with 2 children under 11 but it's like hes always been here.

Never give up hope 🫶

P.S I have a lot of trauma from how my ex left but my DP is just amazing about it all and so reassuring....and my children are with me 80% of the time so it can happen

As an alternative narrative, you can build a happy, successful, thriving life without centring a man in your life. What would make your life better on your own terms?

Have you tried any singles events for single parents?

Have you tried counselling? It can help you to process your feelings over what happened with your last relationship and how to manage the ongoing fear you are bringing into a new relationship.

Several friends have been through separation at a similar life point to you, some have moved on with new partners, some haven’t. It is absolutely possible, but I think you need to be in the right place emotionally.

You will! It took me 14 years to find the man I live with now.but don't look it will come ...

I’m 15 years into being a single parent 🤷‍♀️

OP im also 40 and with three kids. I’m just over a year out of a deeply abusive long term relationship. I have found the Christmas period so lonely with friends busy with their own lives. Yesterday I decided to be proactive and to look online to see what is out there - no one is coming to save me or to improve my life, I have to make changes if I want changes. I have my kids 100% of the time and no family but I think it’s possible to do things differently. I want intimacy. I want emotional connection. I want to feel desirable etc. and I think this is achievable. I’m not looking for a partner. I’m looking for everything I’ve just listed - it’s going to be on my terms. And I might hate it and it may be too soon for me and a massive mistake. But I am shocked at how exciting I am finding it and what a great boost to my confidence it is.
I second the poster who suggested therapy to work through what you have experienced. You deserve happiness and an enjoyable life.

I am sure you find someone. I can give you little advice from my personal experiences. I find some nice guys for the things you ask for on sex sites . No one there is looking foe relationships but some company would be definitely nice !

Hang on, I’ll just consult my crystal ball.

Me too! I was mid-thirties when we separated, nearly 50 now. No relationship since. Abusive marriage, and just wasn’t practically possible with 3 DC (all v young at the time) & no support.

I feel v sad at times if I think about it.

Then again, I hear of lovely stories of people meeting someone when they least expect it so … hopefully! Maybe?

I think you need to process your feelings. It's not the time so much as it is the grueling horrible painful "work" you do in that time to dissect your feelings, accept responsibility for your role in the relationship breakdown and forgive your ex for theirs. I couldn't fathom dating someone new for a little while and threw myself into processing the breakup instead. And when I was ready, the right man showed up. Not accidentally, I did go on the app. But it felt miraculous nonetheless given how I've been feeling about dating up until that point.

But others are 100% right. You need to get really comfortable with being alone. You need to spend time rediscovering who you are. What you like, dislike, prepared to tolerate. Get some hobbies, reconnect with friends or make new ones. And the most important thing is to always always show up as you are. Don't smooth the rough bits, don't mold to the person you are beginning to date. Be prepared to lose them. If you really fall in love with who you are, the fear of abandonment disappears. Because the one person who never abandons you is you. And the right guy will see it and step up.

I thought I’d be alone forever, I was traumatised by my marriage and had 4 traumatised kids in tow; no sane man would want to take that on, and I couldn’t imagine ever trusting a man ever again.

After a few years I missed having sex and started casually dating. I met a potential hook up in a bar, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. He’s the best man I’ve ever met. I still can’t believe that I met someone so perfect for me in such an unlikely way! I had completely written off the idea of a relationship, I wasn’t happy alone but couldn’t conceive that a man could bring me anything other than misery. You have no idea what life has in store for you OP.

I think you need to be prepared to be hurt if you open yourself up for potential love.
But that's the point, love is vulnerable, it's visceral, it's euphoric but with that comes risk and pain.
You need to get to a place where you are ok with both sides of the coin.
Therapy seems a good option if you can, make sure you are happy within yourself, and love yourself. It's far easier to let people in and accept their love if you already have it for yourself.
And realise that many men jump straight from a long term relationship into another as they need the support, there is a practical void to be filled. Women are much more likely to wait as they don't want to go back to what they had before, they assess, and set boundaries.

Disagree it will happen when you least expect it. I’ve been a single parent for much longer 10 years. Haven’t met anyone haven’t expected it, nothings happened. No sex or dating at all in 10 years as I don’t get time off