:( how do I stop.....

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

...asking so many questions?

DH has had an emotional affair over the past 6 months - I had my suspicions but only actually found out about a month ago - and I'm torturing myself by asking him questions about it. Which he is answering on the whole but somethings (like me wanting to know about what was said in a call he made at the beginning of Jan to OW) he says he can't remember and I start to read into it and drive myself mad with wondering

At my request he has given me his mobile bills and I have gone through them with a fine tooth comb, compared with bank statements etc and quizzed him endlessly to try and get things straight in my head.

The thing is I am gradually realising that the more questions I ask the more new ones I come up with and I'm on the verge of becoming obessed with knowing everything. Which I realise is not healthy and not helping us move on.

I hate being like this and I can sense that I am pushing him away with my constant questions.

The affair was a symptom of problems in our marriage and the pressure of the traumatic birth of our first child which we are working through with a counsellor.

I know a few of you have been in this situation and just wondered how you coped with the felings of insecurity and needing to know.

I really want to make my marriage work and I'm scared that instead I'm going to make it worse, whilst at the same time feling so angry at him for not just trying harder to remember/be honest with me

Feel like I am loosing the plot

It wasn't advice or even my point of view CD and Spinner. Really. Don't go CD I'm not in the market for that, I just thought it might help and be interesting and if I'm going to be 'd I'll sod off.

I'm not saying I approve at all. It's just one man's view for Spinner to use. I agree -- one month is hugely different, and your dh should understand your need to explore everything. Yes it is a bit "my wife doesn't understand me". He knows he is very lucky to be still with his wife and children, and especially now she has made him understand the horror of potential separation and hurt.

Spinner, if I've upset you I'm sorry. Being not "in love" or feeling that way sounds to me like he doesn't understand himself, or the difficulties of early marriage and having small babies, rather than that he doesn't love you. It's like a sign of immaturity. I'm not saying shut up about it, how could I -- I don't think I could shut up about it myself. But I don't often post on things like this and it was just that I had this story you might be interested in.

All I meant was that he should be seeking emotional support from his wife not other women. Surely that was the issue in the first place. Maybe his wife can't get over it because he is untrustworthy

I wasn't ing you I was ing him

Ok well fair enough and yes you've got a point. I have asked him if he's told his wife everything he's told me and he said yes, I think he's a bit at his wit's end. He's a family friend and I want things to work out between them very much.

Alpine not upset me at all - just wish my DH was a remorseful and was certain he wanted to stay with me

Plus of course, all men and marriages are different, one can't just transpose one man's approach onto another situation. I wasn't trying to do that.

Spinner I want to wish you all the best, I'm not sure there's much I can add. It must be so hard for you. For what it's worth, I don't think he has the any right at this stage to ask you to stop asking questions, the pain must be extremely raw. It may be that he is so ashamed he can't bear to go there, but you know, the pain you're feeling is so much more profound my own instinct is to say that for now, and for some months to come, he'll just have to suck it up. I hope the counselling helps.

help!

Spennding the weekend together is once again proving difficult and I'm really struggling to not ask questions someone give me a virtual slap.

Went to his parents last night and had a nice enough evening but as we sat eating I had all these thoughts and qu's running through my head. I wanted to scream at him that I think he may have slept with her (he insists not) and that he should just tell me if he has...GOd it's eatting me up

I obviously refrained.

I've been writing qu down to ask once a week but scared I'm on the verge of cracking.

I think you have a right to know.

Do you really want a slap? It's not fair to leave you in the dark over crucial details. If he is sincere about moving forward together with you, then you do need to know.

If you want to wait, you could say: I would like two hours every week to talk about this. At least he could spare you that.

Good vibes but no slap

My view on this is that if he had an emotional affair with this woman (whatever that actually means) he should be doing WHATEVER it takes to make sure you are 100% ready to trust him again.

I think moving jobs is the answer. You will cripple yourself and your relationship with your thoughts if it continues like this...why should you be the one to do the compromising?

You really have to boil this down to a very simple equation. Do you trust him? Do you want to trust him? If the answer is yes continue with the relationship, if no consider ending the elationship.

Knowing the whole truth will not necessarily give you the peace and security you are seeking, because it is likely you will not believe him anyway. Plus it is not proof of future fidelity.

Stop asking questions NOW. Take each day at a time - the counselling will help eventually. At the moment you are feeding your insecurity. This may sound harsh but I do understand where you are coming from. You have to have trust in the process and the relationship or there is no point in continuing with either. You have my greatest empathy.