Watching a sibling make the same mistakes again is harder than I expected

[LindaFiato]

My younger sibling has just gone back to an ex who treated them badly before. Nothing extreme, but lots of broken promises, emotional ups and downs, and a pattern that never really improved. As a family we were relieved when it ended last time, so this has been hard to watch.
They’re an adult and it’s obviously their choice, but it’s tricky knowing how supportive to be without pretending it’s a great idea. I don’t want to lecture or push them away, but I also don’t want to lie and say I’m thrilled.

I would gently remind them all the reasons they left the abusive relationship in the first place and encourage them to not fall back into this trap. As a loved one, it is our job to protect our family members, even if that makes us uncomfortable. Just approach your sibling with an open heart and mind, hear them out, but remind them that abusive ex partners tend to treat you even worse when you go back to them.

That sounds really hard, especially when you’ve already watched them go through it once. I think you’re right that there’s a line between being supportive and pretending you’re happy about it.
From my experience, being calm and consistent helps more than trying to convince them they’re making a mistake. Letting them know you’re there for them without constantly commenting on the relationship, but also not lying if they ask how you feel. Adults often have to learn things in their own time, even when it’s painful to watch from the outside. You can care without endorsing the choice.

I think this is one of those situations that’s far more painful from the outside than people realise. You can see the pattern so clearly when you’re not emotionally involved, and it’s hard not to feel a mix of worry, frustration and sadness all at once. I don’t think you need to pretend you’re happy about it, but being calmly honest without judgement is probably the safest middle ground. Let them know you’re there for them no matter what, even if you don’t agree with the choice. Sometimes knowing someone hasn’t turned away is what eventually helps them see things more clearly.

I did this. It must have been terrible for my friends and family to see me take back my cheating husband. As it turns out, he did it again and I kept it to myself for TWO years as I was so embarrassed. I’m in the process of divorcing him now. My friends and family are horrified that I couldn’t speak up about it when it happened again but I blamed myself for taking him back and trusting him enough to give him another chance, and after the support I was given the first time, I didn’t feel I deserved that support again nor would it be available (this of course was not true). Please let your sibling know that if they realise they’ve made a mistake, they can go to you and that you’ll be there for them no matter what happens next. That’s all you can do.

This is so hard, and I think it’s one of those situations where you’re allowed to feel both supportive and deeply frustrated at the same time. Watching someone you love walk back into something that hurt them before can feel almost worse than if it was happening to you.
I don’t think you need to pretend you’re happy about it. You can be kind and there for them without endorsing the decision. I’ve found it helps to focus on them rather than the relationship — checking in on how they’re feeling, keeping the door open, but not getting drawn into endless discussions about whether the ex has “changed”.
Ultimately they’ll have to come to their own conclusion, even if it takes a few rounds. All you can really do is stay steady, honest without being harsh, and protect your own emotional energy a bit too.

Thank you for sharing this, it really hit home. I can only imagine how hard that was for you, both living it and carrying it quietly for so long. The shame and self blame you describe makes a lot of sense, even though from the outside it’s easy to forget how powerful that can be.
What you’ve said about support is really important. I think that’s the balance I’ve been struggling with, not wanting to enable a bad situation but also not wanting to close the door if things go wrong again. Your experience is a good reminder that people need to know they’re allowed to ask for help more than once.
I’m really glad you’re getting out now, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply so honestly.