Ex trying to ruin/control my life

[NewLemonHare]

Hi ladies,
Now sure how to handle this situation. I’ve tried to be strong but just feel like I’m at breaking point now. My husband (ex now) has been either Mr Amazing or Mr Awful for years now and I ended it last year. I still loved him but I had to do it. He would either be the best husband or vile…angry, cheating, escorts, making my life difficult. The escorts and lying were the end of it. I set boundaries and he broke them.
The thing I’m struggling with is how he is now trying to make the separation hard. I’ve tried to decide an amicable plan re childcare. Asked him for his input. He said he can’t be arsed to read it. He constantly asks me what I’m doing (not because he is genuinely interested but to monitor what I’m doing). When he has the children he sometimes makes a reason why I need to get them. On the other hand he is very hands on with them and does lots of fun stuff and checks I’m ok and compliments me and calls me ‘babe’ etc He is angry with me for some reason even though I didn’t do anything wrong, Recently he has threatened to message my boss and call him a ‘c**t’. (He knows my boss likes me but the feeling isn’t mutual). I honestly can’t understand his behaviour. He has put me through so much. I thought moving out would be the wake up call but it seems to have increased his anger towards me. I’m always pleasant to him and try to co parent in a good way for the kids sake, I feel like he is always going to have tabs on me and to be tormenting me, Some days I think oh this is nice and he is being decent now and then again…nasty behaviour that sets me on edge. I don’t have any plans to be with another man for a long time but he is adamant I’m with someone and it’s almost like he has made me into the villain. Being cheated on with escorts nearly sent me over the edge but i feel it’s just so cruel to be like this with me. I honestly feel like just quitting my job and withdrawing from everything. Can’t stay strong much longer. Not sure how to proceed. I’m trying to be an adult and make my kids happy but he is just sabotaging everything. Any advice? Has anyone been through similar? I’m so upset that I’ve put my children through this shit show,

All communication via email going forward.

It’s really hard as he part owns the house so just turns up whenever. If I didn’t speak to him then he would say something to the kids about how awful I am etc,

He likes to be in control.
Give the you pick our children up at this time, on these days and drop them off at this time on this day. No other words are required.
You need to sort out the house, so he doesn't have that control either.
Make sure he is paying maintenance too.
You can do this.

You are not the first woman who leaves an abuser.

So here is what you need to do as you asked for help.

You need to grey rock him. He is showing you loud and clear he has zero respect for you, zero. His love for you only extends to what he can gain from you, and so he is unable to be the man you need him to be, he may revert back to the man you ones knew, this is his plan in order to keep you where HE needs you so that his access to you is still intact. This is him messaging you asking you what you are doing, such messages are only meant to check in to see if you will reply, nothing more, nothing less, its all to see if he has this hold on you, and he has because you fall for it every time.

You may not want to hear this, but you are allowing this man child his behavior towards you by giving him access to you. Stop believing in his pretend persona when HE wants you to behave, I know he is nice and loving and all that jazz, but its all for his gain, he knows what he is doing, and is probably enjoying it too. So stop catering for him. I am positive he has a sting of women who he does this with on a regular basis, as its sounds like women are a commodity to him, not humans. So, in order to protect yourself, grey rock, email only, and divorce him. Stop holding onto the idea that the man you married will miraculously show up for you.

Thank you. I’m really trying to do this and sent him a schedule whereby he collects them after school Friday and I collect a few days later every other week. He contacted me about the kids eg can you collect our son as he is having a tantrum or calls from the kids phone on video so I have to answer. He still shares all his money and I’m worried if I don’t play ball he will withdraw. When he comes to mine am I just to ignore him? I feel like the children will then think I’m the unreasonable one and I don’t want him to manipulate them. He is now obsessed that I’m seeing my boss and keeps mentioning messaging him. Your right re he likes control. I’ve literally done nothing to him and he is painting me as the bad person who ruined his life. He literally lives really close and just pops by all the time. I’m just so worried I’m traumatising my children with all of this. He doesn’t seem to see the harm he is causing. To make it worse he is mr nice guy to others so some people just can’t see why I left…Inc my own parents telling me how my decision is impacting the kids. Feels like a lose lose situation. I’m pretty sure if I ever met anyone he would make it impossible. Really wanted a fresh and positive start in 2026 but seems he has other ideas.

What is your plan for the house, going forward? Having him drop by any time he wants is allowing him to continue to control you. Also you need to sort out the finances so he is paying maintenance rather than sharing his money. You probably will end up with less, can you make that work?

You have not settled the separation clearly.
Tell you parents and your boss and friends why you separated.

You do not have to protect your ex.

Obtain a legal divorce.
Separate assets and have a legally binding child access agreement. Shifting house will be less hassle than the continued unsettled nature of constant drop ins.
Can a distict section of the house and one entrance be cordoned off so ex can store things etc.
Why does he have access to the shared house?

Stick to the negotiated agreements.
If your ex visits unannounced, have your lawyer write him a letter explaining what the deal is.

Communicating directly with ex is causing you stress.
Cease the communication. Text only. Or via social worker.
Why do the children have phones?
Are they teenagers?

OP can you do something for me and look up Dr Ramani on YouTube, you will gain so much knowledge, and may even get a few pointers on how to deal with someone like him. Blimey had I known of this woman and her vlogs I would have saved myself and my child some serious years of control and abuse.

Your ex knows fully what he is doing, and so what you need to do is be a step ahead, level headed, and calm. He is going to paint you out to be the bad guy, and the reason is YOU LEFT. How dare you leave him. To him you will always he HIS, and whatever you say, do, plead, beg, revert to being a bitch or whatever side you attempt to fight him with, will never work.

What you must not do is give him ANY insight into your day to day, if its not about the kids, house, bill, he has no access to you. Non. He is not your master, but a mere boy. You need to start seeing him for who he is showing you he is, an abuser, someone who treats the mother of his children, badly, he treats women in general badly.

If you are depending on him financially, and you are not in the UK. Get advise legally where you are. If you are in the UK, call womans aid, and take your phone to a phoneshop to see if he has bugged it with an app to spy on you. They always have to take things too far, and yes you will always be the villain in his story, while he attempts to paint himself to be the angel in the street, yet play the devil in the home. Armour yourself with knowledge and start with Dr Ramini

And OP, you were able to stay during the really bad chapters with this boy, he knows the value of you but hopes no one else will get to see it, and he is scared that you will expose him, his true self, so he will always try and ruin you, so you need to be strong. You got this far, be proud

If you are legally married you must get legally divorced asap. You will be able to sort out the house and money as part of that process. I am sorry but you can't stop him coming into the property if he part owns it until you sort it out legally.