How do I deal with these feelings?

[DollyPentreath]

A few months ago I posted, broken hearted about a break up. I had some great advice, but was in such an awful fucked-up place, I did all the things I shouldn't have done: remained in contact, met up, texted, chatted, shared lifts. I continued in the same emotional state I'd been in for the last couple of years of the relationship actually - insecure, never knowing where I was, living for the crumbs I was thrown when he felt like it, desperately hoping things would change and go back to how they were at the start. This was a 5½ year relationship for goodness sake. I'm fifty years old 😡😡😡

I had some counselling sessions, and there are clearly attachment issues due to childhood emotional abuse. I know that and I'm seeing more clearly.

However I still did it. Started going again. And though the autumn, we grew closer. There were hugs, kisses, days out, cosy meals in pubs. Shared hobbies and interests., like there has always been.

Only he didn't tell me that a mere two weeks after we split up, a "friend" came over from his home country. She stayed weeks. She came again in September. She came before Christmas and she's still there now. She came up as a suggested follow on insta and I happened to have a nose. There they are all over her insta feed. In all "our" haunts and places. She looks great - fit, slim, amazing hair

I am good friends with his daughter so I asked her outright. I gave her the option of ignoring my message, and assured her I wouldn't do anything with any info, I just needed closure. So she told me what she knows (quite factually but she doesn't sound impressed). Please be kind about the fact that I asked her - I couldn't think of anyone else and I need closure.

I am SO full of rage and hurt. So many things make perfect sense now - that he'd never acknowledge me on social media, that I never met his family other than one occasion they were in the UK, that he wouldn't holiday with me, that he'd never commit. How could I have had so little pride and why was I so fearful of it ending? I was divorced before but it was never as savage as this. I honestly want to destroy him. There are loads of other things, but I'm honestly so tired. How do I channel this rage and hurt and make things better? It's been months already. He fucked off and immediately there was someone waiting in the wings - someone fit, pretty and sexy looking. He's not even anything special himself! And meanwhile, I'm fifty, perimenopausal and have lost literally all my confidence. Please please don't tell me what I should have do one months ago - I am the most fragile I've been in my whole life. This has come after a decade of gut punches

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again. I'd kill to be 50, be happy you're a spring chicken!

He wasn’t for you, OP. This is an awful way to find out but at least there is no denial of it. You have my whole sympathy - it is just so hard.

You have got a choice - is this going to take you a long time to get over, or a short time to get over? You are better off committing yourself to getting through this as fast as you can. Feeling so much better is out there for you.

You can do it OP but it takes determination and a lot of willpower. Start by blocking him on everything. Do not look at him on social media as you will only torment yourself. Cold turkey is the only way to go.
Take it one day at a time and busy yourself with other friends and projects. Also don't talk about him endlessly to other friends as it keeps the hurt feeling present and stops you healing.
You are still young, l divorced after a long marriage at your age and have dated and had other relationships. You have plenty of time to find someone better. I feel for you and have been there but you can get over it. Stay strong and commit to preserving your dignity. Look forward not back.

Start exercising , keep putting your mind to I am concerntrating on changing myself , doing things for myself.When you get rages or bad feelings about him, try and use the energy to do something for you instead.
Find other ways to take your mind of him and the woman, put the energy into you.
You just need to find what it is that takes your mind away fron thoughts of him, and onto doing things for you. I hope this makes sense, this is what helps me not overthink situations that take my energy.
You are allowed to be angry and fail at this sometimes, or even for a long time.
Good luck.

So ideas for taking your mind off this man, crosswords, reading a book, making lego , knitting, yoga, breathing exercises meditiation, running.Things like this, so you're not ruminating.

Your own choices here have extended the pain and problems for yourself. He has behaved badly, but this affecting you was easily avoidable. Your post recognises this.

Make better choices now, eg no further contact. You’re capable of doing so.

God, what an a-hole. @Seaoftroubles advice is excellent.
Get selfish, focus on you. Whenever you feel that itch you don’t scratch it with anything to do with him, do something bloody good for yourself whether that’s go for a walk, have your hair done, cook yourself something beautiful. You deserve better than that guy.

Hi @DollyPentreath
Sorry that you are going through this. It is shit...

First suggestion would be to speak to the counsellor again and get it off your chest fully. The emotions are going to remain until you have processed and accepted that "things are" (and not how you want).

I would also explore the anger. It may be hormonal (peri) but medical aside, anger needs examining eg you aren't simply angry. You are angry BECAUSE (insert here)... That can give insight.

If the person and you werent a couple when female was involved with your ex, neither did anything "wrong". If they were a couple, despite you feeling "closer" to him, he may not have seen your time as a relationship?

How do you deal with things going forward? I suggest don't check social media, it will screw you up. Focus on your life, not his/hers/theirs.

Remember all the shitty times, not the "perfect person". In time and with counselling, you will move forward.

Decide what you want for yourself - good health and happiness, consider how by identifying one small step eg find counsellor and book in. Second step, be kind and patient with yourself x

He was seeing her when he was with me though. There have been so many lies. I know this has partly been because I wasn't strong enough to draw a line under it when he finished it. She's about 35! He's 51. Apparently they had a sexual past before me. I just don't trust anything I thought was true during the relationship now.

So no, they're not doing anything "technically wrong" now, but...

OP, be thankful that this one showed his true colours before you got in too deep. There’s always sadness at the end of a relationship, but here you have a fish that really does need to be thrown back and never given another thought. I think you are angry with yourself - we all think we are perceptive and won’t be taken in - the success of scammers shows how sadly deluded most of us are - and also angry with him for stringing you along like this, and with yourself for letting him. So he’s gone off with a younger woman - it’s the tale as old as time. He so wasn’t a keeper, OP, and you are so much better off without him. Next time, be aware of the warning signs - why won’t he introduce you to his family; why doesn’t he want you to go on holiday together if you’re a couple?
You need to channel your rage into something positive - I completely understand your wanting to destroy him, but don’t let him take up any more headspace. He’s a sad, lying loser, and although you are mourning the end of your relationship, you’re so much better off without him. Meet up with friends; go out and do things that please you; take up a new hobby - you might just meet someone else. You won’t, though, if you’re consumed with bitterness over this dead relationship. Consign it to history, get rid of anything that reminds you of him, and move on. Remember that the best revenge is a happy life!

Sending so much love, you are being SO hard on yourself.

Nothing you did was born of anything other than having a loving open heart.

It's so easy to get sucked back in xxx

OP be thankful that this one showed his true colours before you got in too deep

I was in deep! We were together 5½ years....or so I thought. I was invited to his daughter's wedding, and Christmases. I've been played for an absolute fool.

I'm trying not to be bitter, I really am. But I'm just choking on the betrayal. I thought I'd met such a nice, trustworthy man. Even my mother said "what a lovely man" when she met him. My nephews and niece liked him.

You’ve had an extremely painful and upsetting experience. It’s no wonder you feel devastated and furious. The “wrong” things you did in the aftermath of splitting might have delayed your recovery but perhaps you needed to go through that. That phase didn’t last long and it has resolved into clarity now.

You’re getting your power back now but it’s bound to be a rocky ride for a while. From experience, i would say that accepting that things are going to be painful and tricky for a while can be helpful. It’s natural to feel bitter for a while. This will pass but some things have to be fully felt in order to burn out. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling brokenhearted and furious about a deeply distressing and heartbreaking situation.

Your task now is to ride these feelings out keeping your eye on the future when you know you will feel comfortable again because you absolutely will. Over a lifetime, most of us will have loved and lost at least one or two people whom we can’t imagine not being romantically close to. Most of us have probably been that person for other people. But we get there in the end. His treatment of you may always sting a bit if and when you reflect on it but in time the real hurt and distress will fade.

You can help the process by throwing yourself into lots of busy activities which help blow off energy. But it may make sense to allow yourself some short well-boundaried brooding time each day where you allow yourself to feel these feelings. Maybe you start with 1 hour a day. It will shrink over time. Maybe you journal. Maybe you write lists of his bad characteristics. Maybe you hit/shout into cushions. The key (which i began to discover in my 30s) is to have your feelings rather than your feelings having you.

Thank you @Dery what a helpful post.

I know I'm immature in lots of ways. But I was married in my 20s to my first proper boyfriend which lasted until I was 43, so don't actually have loads of experience with this kind of heartbreak.

'The best revenge is a life well lived'. You need to focus on yourself. Doing things you enjoy, getting your confidence back by making yourself look and feel good. His relationship with her may well not last. Hopefully when she dumps him you will have already moved on and will feel justifiably smug!

@DollyPentreath - i don’t think you’re immature. It sounds like you had gone through a lot before you met him and you felt like you had finally arrived somewhere secure.

It hurts to lose that. It may also be that this has stirred up feelings associated with the other rough and difficult things you have been through so you’re feeling everything, not just your hurt associated with him.

But yes, I can speak from experience (my own and that of family and friends) to say that we do recover from devastating romantic disappointments. It takes time. It’s not entirely linear - you will have days when you feel better and days when you feel worse; there may always be the odd reminder that stings a bit. But the general trend will be towards feeling better and better. You can do things to help the process and getting there will be a bit of a bumpy ride but you absolutely will get over this man.

I really feel for you @DollyPentreath 💔

Work through the "squiggly" feelings (not linear - emotions come and go).

Your logic knows you deserve more. Your logic knows there is no future in it. You are dealing with your emotions, not logic.

Give yourself time and space to feel all emotions because they are all valid. You will move forward despite feeling overwhelmed or blind sided.

Do contact a counsellor to manage those emotions without judgment. In time, you will be able to ientify what you want for yourself going forward x

Your own choices here have extended the pain and problems for yourself. He has behaved badly, but this affecting you was easily avoidable. Your post recognises this.

This

I think it was extremely bad form interrogating his daughter, him ending your relationship the first time was your closure. Acting like your relationship hadn’t ended and ignoring the countless advice you’ve been given is on you. Let him go!!!!! Do the work on yourself but if you continue to drink from a well that is contaminated then the result will always be you getting sick.

I can understand how you are feeling. But what you have done up to now is to let him hurt you, and then stand right there and allow him to do it again. And again. It has to stop some time, and that time is now.

How about getting yourself a notebook and writing down everything you can remember? Get everything out there on paper and purge yourself of it all. I did this once, many years ago about something totally unrelated to what you are going through, but it did help. If you write it down, you don't have to hold onto the thoughts in your head.
Store them on paper instead, and then draw a line under it all.

I feel you OP. These types of men are the WORST and you're absolutely right, they completely mess with your head. I've also been through a divorce and it was the guy I dated that followed from that split that really hurt me a lot - way more than my ex-husband. Just like your guy he led me on and didn't commit.

All I can advise is to just spend some time on your own. Build an incredible life for yourself, invest time in your hobbies, spend time with friends and family, and de-centre needing to be in a relationship. Hopefully when the right guy comes along, he'll slot right in and it'll all make sense.

Brutal but probably fair. I have just blocked them both on everything. Any advice on keeping him blocked?

In my defence, I didn't interrogate his daughter. We're still friends. She's a grown woman and I said plainly to her that she needn't feel obliged to answer.

I have booked the counsellor again for Tuesday and will resume that. I quail at the expense, but needs must

Also in my defence, I was conditioned for birth to "earn" relationships and brought up to feel that love could at any moment be taken away for unknown reasons, so my approach to this, especially after my divorce, was the same. And he lovebombed the hell out of me for a long time. And after he'd ended it, he also kept in touch. It wasn't just me.

I know I have been an idiot. However he was been a horrible bastard. Dealing with it is the toughest thing.

I’m struggling too op
split up in October and I don’t know if ever really knew him
and felt like something was going on / he was hiding something the whole time but as he was so lovely I kept questioning my judgement
im so angry with myself
so confused
angry
lonely

I'm sorry to hear that, @TheThingOnTheIce 💐

@DollyPentreath @TheThingOnTheIce neither of you is stupid.

Look up trauma bonding.

It does not involve what you would consider "trauma".

I have been struggling today but I gave my ex multiple chances - including since we split for the second time five months ago.

If you unblock please know you will have more of your heart wasted and more of your heart broken. That's all I've got from unblocking and second, third, fourth chances.