Please tell me it could/can/does get better?

[FSGirl]

DH and I have been together since early 20s and now we’re mid 30s, a baby and another child, mortgage, full time jobs (I’m on mat leave) and the little arguments and stress is making me doubt we will still be married in a few years. A bit paranoid as a few couples I know have split after the second baby comes along. I love him very much and I know he loves me but I am worried having kids has massively exposed ways we’re incompatible. Eg. He does not deal with being “in the wrong” well and I don’t deal with stressful situations well.
I am struggling to feel connected as he is not naturally a touchy feely person. oIntimacy is extremely rare as I’m still breastfeeding and it makes him feel weird (and I find that weird but I am trying to respect it as a boundary of his) but also we’re sleep deprived, overstretched, financially wrecked until I get back to work and struggling to make time to be in a relationship with one another. We are phone addicts once the kids are in bed which doesn’t help.
I suppose the point of me posting is appealing to people who’ve been there, done that, and got through it to a stage when life wasn’t quite so full throttle. How did you get through it?

(an example of the arguments if anyone is still reading - he stays up late watching films as it’s his me time. Probs wanking every now and then but hey ho. I go to bed earlier naturally at the moment because of baby night wakes. I asked if he would maybe come to bed at the same time as me some nights of the week as I feel a bit lonely and it would be a good way to have some non sexual intimacy -a cuddle, spooning, chatting in bed etc). Last night he started a film at 10.30 as I was going up to bed and I’d got the wrong end of the stick thinking he was coming up too. It’s not a big problem looking back and I think I overreacted but it turned into a low level argument about how he never complains when I go for a run/to the gym and I need to stop being controlling/suffocating and I totally take his point and he is very chilled about me getting out the house to exercise for my downtime, but every bicker we have like this just feels like it chips away)

Just to add to this, he is very sweet a lot of the time, does 50-50 split of housework, has brought me up a glass of wine while I’m writing this (!!) putting the baby to bed. I recognise how lucky I am a lot of the time, and feel guilty questioning whether things will work out.

Before I reply, I'd like to be honest and say I'm unfortunately childless so any thoughts on this is from talking to friends who had their second child a year ago and from having been together with my DH for over 12 years and having our own struggles.

What were the pregnancy and childbirth like? Anything that went better or worse compared to the first one? If it didn't go very smoothly, you might experience stress, anxiety, fatigue.

You're on maternity leave, so I'm guessing it's all very recent. Give yourself time.

Also, the second kid isn't just "one kid extra" and that's that, it's exponential. Before, there were three relationships in the house. You+DH, you+oldest, DH+oldest. Now there are six relationships in the house. Everyone has a relationship with everyone and it'll take time getting used to that.

You're both tired, overstretched, and yes every relationship seems to have its dynamic where you tend to step exactly on each other's pinky toe every.single.time. Especially when things are already tough enough you get your dynamic as a complicating bonus. OMG some days I just think to myself no not this dance again. But it got better. We fought nearly non stop for a couple of years. Then, I backed out of some things where we had non stop strife, we divided tasks better, and went from daily friction to once a week or so.

Intimacy is still a bit of an issue, the difficult period has left a mark on both of us. DH is a more sensitive creature than we both realized. Rejection of his attempts to be intimate has hit him hard and still takes a long time to recover. I've got my own issues around intimacy plus neurological damage down there. Still working on it.

Yes, it can get better.

You're in an incredibly difficult stage of life. You sound like a pretty decent couple on the whole. Your husband sounds OK but it's a shame someone he trusts couldn't have a little chat with him and perhaps persuade him to prioritise some time for you together.

But, yes, it's incredibly difficult. I remember when my eldest was a baby; I'd come home from work, then it would be make the tea, get him fed, maybe bath him, read him a story or two and get him to sleep - then I'd come downstairs exhausted and see his high-chair caked with food. I could have wept at times; in fact, I did once, in my boss's office (Despite the fact he was very much an alpha-male type, he understood, and told me to take the next morning off; no easy thing in teaching where classes have to be covered.)

Despite it all (and my relationship at the time was nowhere near as good as yours; it didn't survive, but that was nothing to do with having children) I have some lovely memories of that time, often to do with holidays - I'm talking caravan in Wales or Torquay. I hope you gather a few memories like that along the way. Best of luck.

Sounds fine, he wants to stay up and watch a film you want to go to bed. You get to go to the gym, all good.

I think that first year of each baby is tough. Have a heart to heart and tell him you want to reconnect.

I really appreciate the responses so far, if to just get a little perspective. I think I need to focus more on just trying to enjoy this stage while the kids are little and not over analyse my relationship but prioritise it as much as can be done. I just worry when we’re through this bit our marriage will have been wrecked but hopefully we’ll come out the other side different but stronger.

Tonight I’ve stayed up a bit later (catching up on Traitors) and just come up and he’s downstairs still watching football. No snappy arguments because I think we sort of got it out of our system yesterday but I am sure if our pattern repeats as it has been doing enough will build up in the next few days for us to brew another one.

Can you have a few evenings a week with no phones ?

@goodnightssleepbenice yes we need it. I am regularly trying to do tasks whilst we sit and watch TV at night (online shopping / arranging things / researching birthday presents etc!) but switching off and not getting so involved in that + inevitable doom scrolling is a good idea

No phones one or 2 evenings a week is a good start, also find a programme you both enjoy and watch together. You say he isn't touchy freely but would he accept affection in a general way? So simple things like a hug on passing and holding hands when you are watching tv together can help build intImacy in a gentle way.

Hi @Seaoftroubles
yes that’s the main sort of affection, and he jokes about me being on the other end of the scale touchy feely wise.
2 evenings a week is doable!!

(Married over 30 years, 3 DC.)

The young children stage was the closest we came to divorcing. On more than one occasion, one of us walked out but we always came back and I think that is because underneath it all there was a lot of love for each other.

However, that was buried under extreme tiredness, bickering, different ways of parenting and so much more.

My honest advice is hang in there and try to be nicer to each other (hard in the moment, I know).

Good luck x

Thank you @Nimblethimble I really appreciate your honesty. We’ve had two fights similar to what you describe where it was a “well let’s call this quits” and I felt so serious about it. What you’ve said reminds me of our wedding poem - Scaffolding by Seamus Heaney.

@AmusedAquaTraybake what you say rings really true and I appreciate you reflecting on your situation and friends’ difficulties. Intimacy can really make or break things can’t it, I’m glad you got through it!

Thank you @LochSunart I really hope it does. And I’m glad you have happy memories of that time despite it not being a relationship that lasted.