Long term Relationship

[Jessiep23]

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years we are both mid 40’s with two primary age children and one dog. He works M-F 7.30am-4pm. I’m a SAHM not by choice but due to the needs of one of my ND children.

Anyway over the last year or two something has just felt off. We don’t communicate unless is about the kids or dog or his work.
We have a lot of disagreements about the domestic and mental loads of the household which he sees that I should take on as I’m ’not working’. He is trying to be better at this.

Neither of us have hobbies or much time away from the house. We might go out once a month to see friends. We do go out as a family for days meet up with family and friends with their kids etc.

The kids have been out today with grandparents, we took the dog for a walk and he held my hand most of the time, the conversation was basic about the dog or weather. We came home, sat in silence, had dinner, sat in silence and then he fell asleep as he does every-time his bum hits the sofa. I’m a bit glad tbh as things felt a little awkward with the silence.
My question is….is this normal for long term relationships? I love him but it’s just feeling a bit empty these days!

Every relationship has stronger and weaker periods when it comes to communication, I think.. But it is always worth striving for more, better... My question would be - If you think back to a time when it didn't make you feel this way, awkward, like something was off.. Was he acting differently around/with you? Was communication different? Did you have more intimate conversations, more personal topics? And importantly, have you ever talk about this awkwardness with him, and how you feel?

Yes, I have spoken to him and he’ll say we’ve had a lot to deal with over the last few years which is true. But he’s just so negative all the time about everything.

Do you still feel like you want to know his opinion about things? Is he the first person you want to tell about things? My DP is the person I want to share bad news with but also the minutiae of life - that I saw some blue tits on the bird table, that a dog is missing in the village, that I bought some broccoli reduced to 5p, anything and everything. We also share silence quite peacefully and happily every day, but he is still my rock all these years in. He also likes to talk to me!

Well that’s a different issue (him being negative). One of the nice things about long term relationships is being quiet together, it doesn’t have to be talk talk talk all the time. But there should be times when you sit and talk (or walk and talk). About anything from one of his annoying colleagues, an issue you’re having with your mum, to any goals and dreams for the future. If you feel the conversation has run dry and are struggling to regain that intimacy, and you have spoken to him about it, maybe a couple sessions with a couples therapist? But if you think his general attitude has become more negative to the point it’s bringing you down too and you are avoiding talking more, then there may be an underlying cause. Does he feel overburdened by being the main earner? Is he happy in his job? If not he may feel very stuck. Does he have friends? Does he confide in anyone else? Look a little deeper as to the why this has happened to your relationship.

Yes I do want his opinion and to tell him things. However he is not too fussed about giving his opinion anymore it’s ’whatever you think is best’ or ‘I don’t mind’.
I used to love his opinion and thoughts and looked up to his advise but now he seems uninterested.

Not being fussed about conversational topics is one thing, I wonder how fussed he would become if he was told that this consistent disregard to anything is threatening the relationship itself? Did you go that far in the conversation with him? I don't mean in an offensive manner, just a step further from him knowing that is not something you like - that it actually makes you feel not 100% sure that you'd stay like this? If he wouldn't care knowing this, there is not much else you could do..