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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to make amends?

12 replies

VelvetLady88 · 03/01/2026 18:19

I've changed the names of everyone involved to avoid being recognised. I've been friends with 3 women since I left uni over 15yrs ago. I work in the NHS & one of the women I am friends with Amanda works in the same health board as me. One of the women I work with Claire used to work with Amanda before she joined our team. I was chatting to Claire at lunch & we were discussing hitting the glass ceiling at work. I said this had happened to my friend & she was considering retraining. Claire asked if I was referring to Amanda & I said I was but asked her not to say to anyone as I wasn't sure if Amanda had told her boss she was considering going back to uni.
I met up with my friends for our Xmas lunch & Amanda was being quite bitchy commenting that she didn't like my hair or dress & making fun of me for not drinking alcohol. I ended up leaving after the main course as there was an atmosphere. One of my friends, Rachel left with me & asked what was going on & if I was ok.
I sent Merry Christmas texts to Amanda & Fiona who is the other woman in our friendship group & didn't get a reply from them.
We are all going away for Amanda's 40th in March. My health has deteriorated since this was planned & I now need a carer. I asked on the group chat if there was a separate room or sofa bed for my carer. I just got a no & then Amanda refunded the money I had paid into my account & removed me from the chat. I noticed she had also blocked me. I messaged Fiona to ask why Amanda had blocked me & she said Amanda feels we have drifted apart. I asked Fiona if we could meet up for a coffee but she said she is too busy just now & for the whole of January
The only thing I've possibly done wrong is my comment to Claire. I left a voicemail message for Amanda asking her to phone me back & apologising if I've upset her but she's not returned my call.
I don't have any other friends & feel very lonely. Rachel lives the other side of the country so I don't get to see her often. It's awkward at work when people ask after Amanda as she is well known within the health board & used to pop down & see me if she had meetings at my hospital or give me a lift home.
Does anyone have any idea how I can make amends?

OP posts:
SBGM247 · 03/01/2026 22:30

VelvetLady88 · 03/01/2026 18:19

I've changed the names of everyone involved to avoid being recognised. I've been friends with 3 women since I left uni over 15yrs ago. I work in the NHS & one of the women I am friends with Amanda works in the same health board as me. One of the women I work with Claire used to work with Amanda before she joined our team. I was chatting to Claire at lunch & we were discussing hitting the glass ceiling at work. I said this had happened to my friend & she was considering retraining. Claire asked if I was referring to Amanda & I said I was but asked her not to say to anyone as I wasn't sure if Amanda had told her boss she was considering going back to uni.
I met up with my friends for our Xmas lunch & Amanda was being quite bitchy commenting that she didn't like my hair or dress & making fun of me for not drinking alcohol. I ended up leaving after the main course as there was an atmosphere. One of my friends, Rachel left with me & asked what was going on & if I was ok.
I sent Merry Christmas texts to Amanda & Fiona who is the other woman in our friendship group & didn't get a reply from them.
We are all going away for Amanda's 40th in March. My health has deteriorated since this was planned & I now need a carer. I asked on the group chat if there was a separate room or sofa bed for my carer. I just got a no & then Amanda refunded the money I had paid into my account & removed me from the chat. I noticed she had also blocked me. I messaged Fiona to ask why Amanda had blocked me & she said Amanda feels we have drifted apart. I asked Fiona if we could meet up for a coffee but she said she is too busy just now & for the whole of January
The only thing I've possibly done wrong is my comment to Claire. I left a voicemail message for Amanda asking her to phone me back & apologising if I've upset her but she's not returned my call.
I don't have any other friends & feel very lonely. Rachel lives the other side of the country so I don't get to see her often. It's awkward at work when people ask after Amanda as she is well known within the health board & used to pop down & see me if she had meetings at my hospital or give me a lift home.
Does anyone have any idea how I can make amends?

I'm sorry @VelvetLady88 . I don't have any good advice but sending you positive vibes! We can't change others only ourselves. Wishing you beautiful abundance in 2026.

Here's a nice tune to cheer you up maybe https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRM5eekv/

inmintcondition · 03/01/2026 22:53

I’m sorry to read this, OP.

But I think you need to leave it now.

You made a mistake (possibly), but I think Amanda has treated you disproportionately given the length of your friendship, and has acted like a bully. That’s not a friendship you need.

Perhaps your carer can help you to regain more of a social life?

inmintcondition · 03/01/2026 22:55

And if Amanda has fallen out with you over the conversation you had, Fiona is just as bad as her if she is just following along with no real reason to.

Original poster
VelvetLady88 · 04/01/2026 01:38

I don't get any funding for social support so I can't afford to get out & about with my carer regularly. Thanks for your reply. I think I'm just going to have to let the friendship go. It almost feels as bad as bereavement. I have no idea what to say at work if people ask after Amanda. Claire asked if I was seeing her over New Year & I just said Amanda was really busy so we hadn't been able to arrange anything.

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 04/01/2026 01:46

This all seems like a storm in a teacup and these adult women have behaved in quite a bitchy and juvenile way. I think you need better friends.

I had a break up with a long standing female friend years ago. We had what appeared to be a trivial argument and she said she did not want to see me again. When I rang her a few weeks later to try to mend things she hung up on me. When I looked back from a distance I saw that we had been drifting for some time - very different political and ethical views. I felt lonely and bereft ar the time but later just moved on with my life.

Original poster
VelvetLady88 · 04/01/2026 01:59

How did you manage to move on? Did you make new friends?

OP posts:
TheAvidWriter · 04/01/2026 02:32

OP you should not have said anything about your friend to anyone else, as it will always look so bad on you. Regardless of your intent and how harmless if may have felt for you.
Not about you without you is a good one to keep in mind, unless your friend has given you permission to disclose what she was intending to do work vise, it ws for her, and only her to disclose. Not you.

Your friend clearly heard about it and now decided best to cut all contact with you.

You will need to step back. While a good chat would have been the most mature thing to do here by your friends, and ask you out right what your intent was, and why you felt the need to disclose her matters, I am sorry to say that this scenario you describe is the most common one people choose to take, block and distance themselves.

Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2026 07:41

I'm sorry you have been treated like this OP, l really can't see you deserved such cold and dismissive treatment from Amanda. Claire is at fault too as she must have shared your comment about Amanda which after all was part of a private conversation between you. Fiona has also sided with Amanda who sounds to me like a Queen Bee type.
I think you have to accept that Amanda has taken offence and decided to block you without being mature enough to speak to you about it or accept your apology. She sounds very 'mean girl' at the Christmas lunch too, making bitchy comments and criticising your appearance. Tell yourself you are better off without her in your life. All you can do now is try to make new friends and stay friends with those at your work that you get on with.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/01/2026 07:48

Seaoftroubles · 04/01/2026 07:41

I'm sorry you have been treated like this OP, l really can't see you deserved such cold and dismissive treatment from Amanda. Claire is at fault too as she must have shared your comment about Amanda which after all was part of a private conversation between you. Fiona has also sided with Amanda who sounds to me like a Queen Bee type.
I think you have to accept that Amanda has taken offence and decided to block you without being mature enough to speak to you about it or accept your apology. She sounds very 'mean girl' at the Christmas lunch too, making bitchy comments and criticising your appearance. Tell yourself you are better off without her in your life. All you can do now is try to make new friends and stay friends with those at your work that you get on with.

Edited

I can't see how Claire would be in the wrong if she alerted Amanda to the fact that the op was gossiping about her, which she was. I think I'd withdraw from a friendship if I found out that person was gossiping about me too. I would definitely withdraw any invitations to a birthday trip away, how could you relax around them?

Original poster
VelvetLady88 · 04/01/2026 08:30

I've made a mistake which I really regret. I didn't intentionally set out to share Amanda's news. It just came up in the conversation & Claire guessed it was Amanda I was talking about. I'm aware I should have said no when she asked if I was talking about Amanda.I keep my head down at work now. I've started reading a book in my office at lunch as I don't want to upset anyone else & it means I don't get asked any questions about Amanda.

OP posts:
Springtimehere · 04/01/2026 08:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
VelvetLady88 · 04/01/2026 09:28

The only other thing that might have upset them is Fiona said it was strange having my carer there when we met up in September. She also joked that I had no chat other than work. I don't have much to talk about these days I can't really do much after work. It did feel strange having my carer there so now I only go out to places I know well in the city centre. I can get a taxi there & back & go out alone.

OP posts:
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