What should I do?

[littlealex2021]

I'm unsure how to put this, but here goes:

Things about me:

1. I work around 70 hours a week as a taxi driver. It's not constant driving, I have to wait between trips, sometimes for a few hours. This is ok because of point 2:
2. I am doing a PHD in Psychology. I wanted to change direction after having worked for 25-30 years in tech. I sit in the car or in a coffee shop writing the PHD.
3. I set up a business, an AirBnB which means I set it up, clean and make sure it's habitable, sometimes this is every day, but sometimes every few days if someone decides to book for a few days.
4. I used to work for a major tech company and earn huge amounts of cash (top 1%), but my job became untenable due to a mixture of a bad manager and the fact that I just didn't want to do it anymore.

My wife and I seem to be about to split up. This is my fault, mostly because I've battled alcoholism or at least some kind of addiction/addictive personality thing for many years and decided it was a good idea to have something to drink over New Year, which was clearly a really stupid idea.

I should mention that I've managed to avoid booze for many years, I don't even enjoy drinking, so it's been surprisingly easy until now.

I've expressed my regrets to my wife, and she's unsurprisingly very angry with me.

My wife keeps saying that I don't really work because:

1. The Airbnb is a jointly owned bit of property. This is a bit of property we own but we wouldn't use it as it's an annexe which doesn't
   suit any of the family. The fact is, though, from my perspective anyway, I've worked hard to set this up as a profitable enterprise that pays our mortgage.
   I'm proud of this achievement, but my wife seems to be angry about it and is saying it doesn't really count as a job. I don't get it?

2. I don't work driving all the time because I'm also doing a PhD. I've said to her that we only have one life, and so I should do a job that means something to me,
   Unlike the tech jobs I've been doing.

3. I'm still bringing in about 50K a year.

4. My wife has stalled in her career and isn't bringing in very much money at the moment. She says that, as I gave up my job in a very high-earning role that I assumed she could make up the other bills we have. This is my fault again because I thought she would be still be bringing in around £1k a month but I guess I assumed she'd still be working..

5. It also turns out that my wife is around £50k in debt. She blames me for this, saying that if I hadn't left the high-paying job this wouldn't have happened. She
   now wants me to take out a loan to pay this back. The thing is I know that she's bought some stuff for the house but this is mostly about her clothes and shoes addiction. She won't admit this. I've agreed to help pay this back to the loan/credit card people but she's just being so aggressive with me. She also wants me to take out a massive loan to pay it back which I'm not keen to do...

It just seems we are incompatible. I actually love her to bits, but she's being really aggressive with me and a bit frightening to be honest.

I'd just like to have a life that's a bit quieter and not have to deal with this constant loudness and her shouting all the time.

What should I do? I'm sorry that this isn't actually the full story, as it spans 25 + years that we've been together. I'd like to think this can somehow be salvageable.

Wow. £50k in debt and it’s a surprise to you? That alone would make me run for the hills.

Did you leave your job after you discussed it with her? It’s hard to tell how responsible a move this was really.

It doesn’t sound like you’re talking about the important things like finance to each other.

You sound driven and entrepreneurial which is great. But the drinking? Did you behave badly at NYE? Are you drinking regularly again?

Addiction is terrifying for family members.

I think you and your wife need long, honest conversations about what you both want and need from each other.

My first thoughts are, you haven’t discussed a career change and what that means income wise with your wife properly. You assumed things like her covering the bills. Did you not have a proper conversation about this?

You have set up AirBnB and count that as your ‘income’ that balances out you giving up well paying job. Who does cleaning cooking etc domestic chores day in day out? Who looks/looked after kids and took leave for that? That is her contribution (i am assuming here it was her).

You can’t just expect your wife to cover the bills whilst you do PhD just because you think it is her turn now. I bet ahe contributed hugely, too. Did you have long hours working/keepijng up with tech developments in the past? Who stepped in whilst you did that, was it her?

I get you ‘only get one life’. So does your wife. What if she decided to study something else because she doesn’t like her job?

It sounds like your current situation was never properly discussed and agreed. And you sound a tad selfish. Maybe she is anger is justified. You need to talk to her, first and foremost.

Leave her and her debt.

You bring up some good points. I feel I did explain and talk about this with her but she has since said that I didn't. The ting is I talked to her about this in enormous detail. Should I, shouldn't I? This is what will happen etc...

I do everything with the AirBnB, absolutely everything, including all cleaning and managing it, she doesn't do anything with this.

My wife has decided to change jobs too, which I support. She wants to train to be a teacher, which I think she'd be great at. The only thing is she hasn't put together a contingency plan for income. She seems to think I'll just cover everything I think. I'm having real difficulties speaking to her because she is so angry and aggressive...I just wish she'd stop...

I see. In this case i then suspect that her anger is a way to avoid having to talk about the debt and take responsibility of that. £50k debt for shopping is crazy.

Do you want to stay with her? Would she be open for therapy? Although that is again extra ££ which might be difficult given the situation.

Wow....what a situation. I honestly think she should be left to sort her own debt out...she spent so she should pay. I wonder if she would bail you out if that had been you ? Her being angry is possibly frustration at getting herself in that position and now realising she is up the creek. You really need to sit down as adults and talk about all of this otherwise it will just get worse. If you can't do that then I would say it's time to call it a day. You do not sound happy and life is far too short to not be happy.

Don't put yourself in debt by taking out a loan to pay off your DW's debts, no one else is to blame but her for living outside her means.

Also, why do you have to do everything concerning the b+b ? Does she expect to be a kept woman ??