Long Term Friend has got very self absorbed recently

[TinselTarts]

And it’s draining me!

We’ve been close friends for over 20 years and I feel as though we’ve always been a good friend to each other until about 3 years ago.

Friend split from her husband, she was 45 at the time of the split, and of course for a long time the sole topic of our conversations was the split, things the ex had done, the divorce, the house sale, maintenance, etc etc. Which was absolutely fine. I get it. And was happy to listen and to be supportive to her. I feel during that first year I really went out of my way to be a good friend and to be there for her, and helped her out practically and financially with a lot of things, and was of course always there for a phone call if she needed to talk at midnight or whatever.

After the divorce, house sale and all that comes with it she then started dating again, and so for the next year again it was constant conversation about her, and about which man she was seeing/chatting to. It started to get that this was all she ever wanted to talk about.

She’s now been in a new relationship for about 8 months, and is just so self absorbed. Constantly talking about herself, her boyfriend, her hair, her beauty appointments, things that have happened in her life. There seems to be literally a cursory ‘how are you?’ now and again but she doesn’t listen to a thing I say, nor ever remember anything I’ve told her. She then is all shocked when she hears again about something I’ve told her before for example. On the rare occasion I start to talk about something, she cuts in and interjects with a story about her neighbour or something about herself or about another friend.

In the last year my eldest child had a major operation for a serious health condition and apart from a ‘how did the operation go?’ she’s never mentioned it or asked about DD since. I also had a family member die a few months back and my friend did bring round a card and flowers for me, which was lovely, but she’s never mentioned it since and if I talk about the loss she changes the subject. But yet another mutual friend lost a pet at the same time and she’s always going on about how hard it was for the mutual friend with her loss.

At the moment I’ve just pulled back a bit from our friendship. Probably not in any capacity that she’d notice, in her mind we are still probably as close as ever, but more to just protect my mental peace a bit. Basically just being a little less available to her and spending more time with some other friends. DH says it’s probably the case that I’ve been too good to my friend and that she is taking me for granted, so maybe this will work a little?

Just wanted to vent a bit really, and also ask if anyone else has any suggestions or has dealt with a similar situation with a close friend?

I meant to add too that also when I talk these days she starts scrolling on her phone and talking to herself, things like ‘oooh what’s this?’ While I talk, or she’ll randomly show me a photo on her FB feed. Anything so I can’t speak and so it goes back to her

Why don’t you tell her how you are feeling ?

@UpDownAllAround1I’m getting to the stage where I’m going to have to talk to her about it I think

When she starts scrolling tell her she is being rude.
If she does it again put your hand in front of the screen.
If she does it again tell her what you told us in your OP and then never see her again.

I really don’t want to end the friendship. I care too much about her and we’ve been friends for so long to do that

She does sound very self obsessed and it seems she is just using you as someone to talk at rather than talk to. I think it's time to speak up and point out the things you've raised here. Who generally instigates meeting up ? If its her l would agree only on the condition that it's 2 way conversation and not just about her.

She’s rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t want to spend any time with her.

Blimey..your friend sounds like mine. It came to a head with us though, after I was going through a particularly challenging time and felt it was all still about them. Unfortunately I just lost my shit. I realise I had been too scared to bring things up earlier so it reached volcano level by the time I did say something.
However rather than meet with me to discuss they put me on a 'break'.....

Well that was it for me and our friendship.

Wow what is there to like about this friend ?! I think I would have to pull away a little coz you’re not actually getting much from this friendship , you’re just a pillow for her to talk at . I’ve had a few friendships like this and I haven’t got time in my life for the selfishness .

Maybe you’re outgrowing her and you don’t owe her a friendship if it’s so one sided .

Has she been on holiday to Elevenerife just lately?

I'd have had to bite back about the mutual friend's pet loss and how hard it was for them. I would have said I was still grieving the loss of relative x and losing a pet is hardly the same thing as the death of a close relative.

She has shown you who/what is important to her. And unfortunately its neither you nor your friendship. Even if you try and speak to her about how she is making you feel, she won't want to take accountability for her behaviour and somehow make out that you are imagining it.

You are too kind to still want to be friends with her. If someone had started scrolling whilst I was speaking to them, I would have walked away never to be seen by them again. Thats just another level of disrespect.

A friend of mind became this way. In her case the life event was a falling out she had with a group of friends over a political difference. The ins and outs of this were very important to her and I talked to her about them a lot. But over the same period, I experienced the illnesses and deaths of a close family member and two close friends, and got married, among other standard life experiences, and none of those things interested her for a moment. It wasn't just that she didn't ask: it was that she would call or visit and behave in such a stressed and distracted way and talk about her own problem so relentlessly that there wasn't even a space to raise a different topic. She would offload at tremendous length and then be off - it just didn't occur to her that I was or should be anything other than her audience. After a phone call that consisted of her monologuing for two hours about her intricate friend group issues, I did bring it up with her. This felt very difficult, as she was so obsessed by who was and wasn't loyal to her. I said that her issue was overwhelming her conversation too much and asked if she'd noticed how little she'd asked or heard about me lately. She acknowledged the problem and apologised, and I could tell she was making an effort temporarily thereafter - but it was clearly forced, and it fell away again - because the fact was she WASN'T interested anymore. She subsequently got a lot worse, and I've now distanced myself completely. She is furious with me, and has knitted this into her ongoing narrative of betrayal and ostracism- but I know it had ceased to be a real friendship.
So yes you can and should raise it, and it might help if she's just in a phase - but people change, and some go to a place of self-regard where you can't have an equal footing with them anymore. You either have to sign up to be a cheerleader/acolyte; step back to a sceptical distance and accept less or no reciprocity because something else makes it worthwhile; or end it decisively.

When she picks her phone up, “sally are you listening or playing on your phone?” Just be blunt.

ok so in that case, you will need to find a way of pointing out to her how self-absorbed and rude she is being.

it is difficult, but if you really want to keep the friendship you need to find a way to let her know that she has been neglecting the friendship. It is understandable but at this stage she needs to tip the balance back towards you.

ETA: i do wonder why you seem to still value this friendship though? Some friendships, any relationship really, can come to a natural end even after a very long time, if both parties don''t maintain it properly.

I think you’re on a hiding to nothing with her.

It sounds like she’s walking all over you. Do you think she resents you because you’ve got what she once had?

I think some people carry on like this because the friend (in this case you), are too nice to pull them up and say anything about their shittiness.

If you don’t want to end the friendship, you could dial it right back for the sake of your own MH.

Thanks for the replies everyone! 💖 I’m going to have a bit of distance from her for a week or two then if it continues I’ll try talking to her about it

Meet up with her for cinema trips so she can't yap about herself the whole time.

I had a friend like this. I don't see her at all now but every now and then we'd fall back in with eachother and I'd quickly remember why I pulled back. The really annoying thing was, she'd go on and on about a problem, but didn't accept advice and never changed anything so it would be the same old stuff. She'd also do the obligatory 'How are you?' Although it was obvious she didn't care less because the subject would very quickly turn back to her.

I wish her no harm, but I only have so much to give.

While your friend found her new freedom and started dating again, reinventing herself, and like you said, is self absorbed. You have found yourself giving her access to you, like an unpaid therapist, all year round, day in day out.

Friendships are not transactional, but they should be respectful.

Then you have had to balance challenges that have matured you and taken you in a different direction, and I suspect the two of you have just grown apart. She has stalled in her new freedom and boyfriend, while you have had to take on life.

While I get you want to try and understand why your friend, like noticing when she picks up her phone while you try and get a word in, it will make you question the friendship, and why she is not as present in your life and happenings the way you have been for her. And it would make anyone sit and wonder.

I would start to withdraw, and not give her so much access to you. You will never be able to discipline someone into treating you better, or have respect for your time. But you do have a choice how you choose to spend time with her, and for how long. If she calls, give her a short time, not hours. If she likes to meet up, be blatant if she starts being rude and taken her phone over your convo. Not on unless someone needs her urgently, like the school, but if she is just checking her phone for the sake of it, RUDE. Personally I would be exhausted, I would let her go.

All of my friendships are turning into this now, I'm starting to think it's just inevitable. Life changes at different rates for people and before you know it, all you are hearing about is their kids and their holidays, in-laws etc. Just talking at each other about different lives, losing common ground. I don't have any advice, I just know how it feels.

Ive got a friend like this. A few years back they developed a serious helth problem (stroke) which has resulted in something of a change in their personality. Now they only seem to be able to concentrate on one subject at a time. I always ask about their results of any tests and hospital appointments they have to attend and try to be supportive. However I dont get the same level of support back. My own health has deteriorated considerably but they seem unaware. Last time I saw friend I began to tell them I had 3 angina attacks over the christmas holiday and felt quite unwell sometimes. But they just cut in and began to talk about something Donald Trump had done. I see this friend once a week for about four hours. They come to see me faithfully which is one thing. However now I find myself counting the minutes until they go home. I dont want to losethe friendship and mourn what it used to be. Now its more like a business appointment.

I have pulled back from a friend like that, last time we went out for a meal she spoke about someone I had met once, and the issues this person was having, for the wholr meal. It was bizarre and I dont even know if the random person would have wanted that level of details sharing

There seems to be zero reciprocity as this woman is rude and not interested in you. Your role is to sit and listen endlessly to her. I wouldn’t call that a friendship.

Thanks again everyone for all the replies; they’re much appreciated!

It makes me so sad to see how much she’s changed. We’ve always been so close, tbh she’s probably my closest/best friend and I suppose I feel a bit lonely as she’s a totally different person now.

I will speak to her about it at some point in the very near future but in the meantime I’ve pulled back a bit and will continue to do so short term. I doubt she will even notice but it’s more to protect my mental peace than anything else. Just things like not replying to her texts instantly or being a bit less available if she wants to talk on the phone.