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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice from people who managed to save their marriage

3 replies

twentyyearsagotoday · 03/01/2026 14:31

Just looking for advice on what you did? I've been feeling quite low for a few years about my marriage. Perhaps I'm feeling it more now as I've just come off ADs, which I've been on for a few years. Also prob peri menopause. Reading a lot of other posts I feel bad as essentially DH has done absolutely nothing wrong. He's kind, works hard, pulls his weight as much as he can with kids. But something is wrong. Our relationship is mainly logistics. I've lost that connection with him. He can be quite emotionally closed. I feel we have different values at times. We haven't slept together in over a year. I don't desire him anymore. I wish I did. I do feel resentment at times. I really struggled moving to where we live and feeling very lonely being a new mum. But this was years ago. That was the reason I went on ADs. His work always comes first. He's very much a risk adverse, sensible type of guy which initially I found great but now just bugs me as I want to enjoy life and laugh. I don't feel we are on the same wavelength. He lives to work. Occasionally we talk about it or I blow a fuse and we have a mega row and then go back to just being civil with each other again. In general we get on fine. It's like we're housemates. I know this story is probably the same for many people. Kids come along and relationship suffers. Right now I don't really want to go out on a date night or whatever with him but I also don't want to do anything else drastic. I just know i'm feeling very sad and that my marriage is not what I want it to be. I will look into logistics of what to do if I feel I cannot get past this but I'm also very keen to hear more from others who also felt things weren't right but managed to change things around without going down the divorce path.

OP posts:
ScottyandWestie · 03/01/2026 14:36

During perimenopause and father passing away, coupled with demanding teens and a long term illness I drifted from my husband. Marriage counselling really helped, gave us some tips and ways to approach each other to communicate better. We had eight sessions it was worth its weight in gold. We found our way back to each other. I’d highly recommend starting a conversation to see if he is open to it and understanding his feelings, rather than guessing or assuming. He may not be aware how you feel, or he may be feeling the same and unable to start a conversation about it. Best of luck

Notanotherdick · 03/01/2026 14:38

Id recommend listening to Esther Perel's podcast called ' Where Should We Begin' or read either of her books. She's a couples therapist and is absolutely amazing. Only you know what is best for you, but she delves into desire and how to connect to it. A lot of what she talks about is how to have an individual life, or to reconnect with yourself first, then you'll find better connections with others. Shes not into recommending date nights and sharing more housework. Its more about finding the erotic and having mystery again.

NotrialNodeal · 03/01/2026 14:41

I don't think this will help you but the reason our marriage survived is because we both have the same values.

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