I've been with DH for 20 years, married 18, 2 kids 16 & 17. When we met we both had professional jobs, earned equal amounts. He was sociable (introverted though), and sporty. DH had a physically abusive upbringing, and was NC with hus family. After having children we moved out of London, away from friends and both had hideous commutes, to have childcare from my family which was a big mistake. Turns out he had bi polar disorder which had effectively been managed by his exercise routine which went out the window with 2-3 hour commutes and 2 young kids. He had a break down 13 years ago and hasn't worked since. His health has been up and down, currently stable. He has developed extreme social anxiety and barely speaks to anyone outside of the house. Doesn't take meds (they didn't work, and anxiety meds can't be used with rapid cycling bi polar). Won't get counselling.
He's been a good father, but can be a difficult character. He's basically a kind and generous person. But... he does very little. Illness or laziness? Unclear. He undertakes house projects-DIY, and will drive us anywhere and considers this to be his contribution. But it took him 3 months to construct build in shelves for the living room as he does max 3 hours a day, sometimes less because he can't get going before 2 at the earliest. The kitchen and dining table where his workshop for this period. It would have cost over 10k for someone else to do the work, but would take them 2-3 weeks.
I'm self employed and have supported the family for 13 years- lots of men do this. But, I'm guessing their partners don't feel emasculated or unworthy. He's convinced that he is rejected socially because he doesn't work (possibly true?) and this is the root of his social anxiety.
His behaviour and views can be challenging, but outside of issues around raising kids. His views have become more right wing- anti immigration, anti woke, etc. But deep down we still get on fairly well. But, I have a deep seated resentment towards his lack of awareness of how hard I work to provide and all the slack I pick up- financial admin, house chores, meal planning etc. He says he values me, but it's not obvious when he eye rolls if I remind him to do something and he "yes dear" s me a lot. Maybe I'm too bossy and should leave him to it- but m, as an example, then dinner is late and the 16 year old doesn't eat until after 9pm when his school tutorials are finished.
I've become intolerant of him and do take umbridge at things. He says I'm picking on him and need to leave him alone. I feel the same.
I don't know if there's any way back, too much water under the bridge. But, he's a kind person, basically good when I compare him to other people's shit partners. I've not been blameless is the deteriorating relationship gaving had past issues with alcohol, which are now dealt with.
I feel like my wedding vows should count for something. We had a big blow up last night where we both ssud we we're exhausted by the relationship and it seems to have run its course. I told him how I resent him not respecting what I do for him. He says hell mive out whenecer I want. I suggested he wits until after the kid's exams. I'll ve worseoff financial due to tax if he goes and I no longer pay him dividends. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face if I walk away from someone who's a decent bloke? Or should I expect better/ enjoy the peace and quiet of not being with someone with mental health problems?