Contemplating leaving DH

[Timetochangetime]

I think I have had enough of my DH. We’ve been married for 20 years and have two older teens. My DD is getting fed up with his old
man grumpy attitude. We never have sex. Maybe once in 8 years. I’ve given up trying as I got fed up with rejection. I miss being wanted by someone and keep looking at other people as I want to be with someone who is attracted to me. I’m not bad for my age. Not perfect but im ok.

I’m so lonely most of the time and can’t take it anymore. I feeL bad as he contributes a lot financially and feel guilty if I leave him and get half the house etc, even though he earns more. I work but don’t earn so much.
I can’t take it anymore and just want to get out. Sometimes I try and pretend to myself that it’s ok but it’s not. I Am aware that I may not meet anyone else at the age I am though. I don’t know.
also, worried about how I would
manage financially and impact on kids. Advice please. I feel lost, alone and don’t know what to do.

If you’ve got to the point where you are ready to leave, does he know that? If you tell him that you have had enough and mean it, would that be likely to make him sit up and take notice? If you want to fix your marriage, he has to want that too. If he’s not interested in making any changes and working on it, then I think you have your answer. You deserve to be happy.

If you bring up missing intimacy and the feeling of being alone, what is his take? Does he want to do anything to make things better, or in denial? Have you ever coined it to him that you are contemplating leaving?
Finances are a separate issue. Financial reasons cannot - or should not hold a relationship together. I do get the worry, I truly do, but ask yourself, if the financial aspect wasn't there, would you just take the leap?
Everybody deserves to be happy, and to be with someone who makes them happy. I believe in being alone though, if the other option is being with the wrong person...

I agree that finances should not be the glue for a relationship but I do understand. Can you take specialist advice from a solicitor and see if spousal support would be an option? It’s much less common in UK than in US but it is still a possibility. Then speak to him and see what he says. Would he agree to counselling (it can help if you’re looking to separate - it’s not just about staying together and fixing things).

Thanks everyone. I have never told him that I’m thinking of leaving and actually how unhappy it makes me. I will think about that.

What about marriage therapy first? A good therapist who promotes connection and calming the nervous system and really listening to each other.

If u have not said how unhappy you are, he may not realise. If u.let him know then his response will.tell u how he feels. Do you want to try to salvage the relationship? Good luck OP.

I would like to salvage it but part of me has given up. Counselling could be a good idea.

You have made your mind up to leave seemingly. Just look at the multiple threads about divorcing

No way will you get spousal support

I think you need to at least have the conversation with him about how you feel perhaps he feels the same or has just got in a rut and taking you for granted. Either way id give him a chance to discuss it a you will need to be very honest and vulnerable so he can see that your serious. Perhaps hold off on the decision until after some counselling. Talk to him about his lack of sex drive it’ll hard if you both have never had the type of relationship where you can be vulnerable and say how you feel but then if you do decide to leave you will know you gave it your best shot. Good Luck

Where has the OP said she wants spousal support? She's worried about how she'd manage financially, which is probably true of most people considering divorce.

If you can't contribute anything helpful or constructive to this thread then don't say anything at all

Whatever is at the end of this problem, a conversation is probably the right next step, whether the path that follows is counselling or leaving... At least you would all be aware of the situation to the same level, that will give you a very good idea about what would be the best for you...

A shag once in 8 Years? 8 weeks and I'd be giving my husband the boot.

With no intimacy for 8 years (a significant percentage of your entire marriage) I wonder if it’s too late to try counselling but maybe it’s something to suggest to him. If nothing else you can gauge his reaction and let him know you are unhappy.

In the meantime I would see a divorce lawyer and find out what divorce will mean for you and what you will need to do. Don’t feel bad about earning less. You have built a home together and my guess is you have done more of the unpaid ‘home’ work and family admin and are fully entitled to your share of what you built together at this point.

I met someone at 50. My friend remarried at 48 and is very very happy. Another friend of 50 got married for the first time last year. There will be someone out there for you if that’s what you want. 🌺

Please excuse me being so blunt with the question, but how on earth did you manage 8 years of no intimacy? What was your way of coping? I would start feeling down about it after a month...

Not sure how I feel about getting a couples therapist. Where would I find one? No idea where to start….

Not easily!

How old are you?

So important you have the difficult and vulnerable conversation here OP. It's very sad that you've got go the point of giving up before talking to him but communication is not easy I know. You'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted when you speak honestly. Worth a try and go from there?

I think you just had enough of him.
Counselling? What for? To have a bigger chunk of your life taken away.
Your kids may be an issue, but he has become
a burden in your life. Even adults deserve some joy.
Good luck.

Everyone's different and some people do just announce out of the blue they're leaving.

For myself; I needed to feel like I'd at least given him an opportunity to make things better and told him I was unhappy. He showed absolutely no interest in making things better, and refused to go to counselling. (Until a few years later when he realised I was actually serious about going, but by then it was too late).

If these feelings you have are permanent and not just fleeting then I think you know what you have to do.

But personally I would plant a seed that you're unhappy so it's not such a shock.

I agree that I should talk to him and I will. Thank you for your comments.