I’m in a long-term, unmarried relationship with kids. From the outside it probably looks ‘perfectly happy and fine’, but emotionally it’s been over for a long time. This in part is due to DP’s neurodiversity (ADHD), which has left me carrying 95% of the mental load, including all the thinking and planning for absolutely everything in our collective lives. You name it, I’ve managed it (finances, kids/school admin, holidays, families, special occasions, medical etc..) whilst being told ‘but you’re so much better at that stuff’. It’s left me feeling mentally alone and burnt out, to the point I’ve had 3 separate occasions of ‘burnout’ and signed off work for a couple of month chunks in the past few years (since Covid).
There’s no affair, no big blow-up, no terrible abuses. Just years of carrying the mental load and being the emotional glue for the children, whilst feeling increasingly lonely within the relationship. We’ve also not been intimate for a few years, although he professes to want this, he never does anything about it.
We’ve recently talked things through and are somewhat aligned that this no longer works, although he ‘wants to try’ and keeps suggesting solutions where he is apparently going to change (he won’t and we’re been here so many times give lost count!) - although this is the first time I’ve been so resolute and clear and I think he is now crapping himself it’s actually real.
I don’t want to stay in the house and he can’t afford to (I’m the higher earner), so I’m hoping to look at selling, split the proceeds 50/50, and set up separately.
I feel clear about the decision, but also scared, of the logistics, the upheaval for the children, and whether I’m being selfish for choosing a different future when nothing is dramatically wrong.
I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s left a long-term relationship that had quietly run its course. How did you know it was the right call? Any practical or emotional advice welcome.