Will she ever listen?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Be prepared - it will be a long one! I really need some advice about my relationship with my mum. For context, I didn't have a great childhood/early adulthood. My dad was an abusive alcoholic who died when I was 13, I was bullied relentlessly right up until uni and my first job - I now know due to undiagnosed ASD (diagnosed at 35), and my first long-term relationship involved physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I'm now 40.

My mum came from nothing herself and had a meteoric rise up the career ladder after my dad died, which meant she was away a lot and neglected me emotionally, but spoiled me financially. She was also hyper-critical even then, e.g. comments about my weight, when I got 99% on an exam she asked which question I got wrong. I think she pretty much tried to get me to live the life she always wanted, so I've never been able to make my own decisions - she got me my first job in a sector I wasn't even interested in, she persuaded me to buy a flat at 22 because it was a status thing and 'the done thing'. The consequences of me not doing what she wanted would have been arguing, then sulking and refusing to speak to me - not worth the hassle.

Some more recent examples include humiliating me on my birthday day out for getting drunk, in front of friends and family, calling me embarrassing, etc. (I wasn't). Also the night before my birthday I was feeling a bit low and instead of reassuring me she sat me down and told me 'sort my life out' - I have no idea what she means other than I know I need a new job, but I'm in a niche career where few and far between roles are advertised. When I met my now ex (tradie) and was really happy, she still had to get in that she'd prefer me with a doctor or lawyer. It's just constant nit-picking and needling, and I can't even physically escape as she lives round the corner and it forever calling in.

I think I've done pretty well in life considering all of the adversity I've faced, but even I wanted to do better - I was supposed to be the cleverest child the school had ever seen - but life and mental health issues got in the way. But she wanted a millionaire lawyer daughter living in a mansion with her top surgeon husband. What she got is a Russel Group, masters educated, home owning (albeit a 3-bed semi with a mortgage) professional daughter who'll never be the top dog at work because it's not the person I am - but is that really so bad?! There are so much worse things I can be.

Others around me can see it happening but won't speak to her as to be honest, like me, they're frightened of her. It's her way or no way and she's got worse as she's getting older (she's 66). I just can't see a way out - I feel if I confront her we will just argue. But I can't carry on like this. She thinks I need therapy as I still haven't dealt with past events - truth is I have, and it's her who is the ongoing issue (confirmed previously by therapists but she refused to take it on board). No wonder I have low self-esteem and self-worth, and think I'm not good enough when I'm being treated like this!

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! There's so many more examples I could give but I'll leave it there for now.

It's good you're opening up. She sounds like a bully.
Find your strength. You should be proud of yourself. I would be proud if you were my dd.
Yes she'll get upset. Bullies don't like being confronted. They like to control. Take some control. Pp suggested counselling. Could you afford private?
You deserve to have peace. And she shouldn't be coming round when you're working.

Good luck.

@AttilaTheMeerkatis very wise and very right. It sounds so incredibly harsh but every single
word written is correct. There is no room for ‘what ifs’, ‘maybe’, etc. She is who she is. It’s that simple.

Please try to find the courage to put yourself first.

OP You are still making excuses for not upsetting others at the detriment of your own well being. Don't go to the quiz team, as a pp said you can always start a new one after a bit which doesn't include your mother. Same with holidays, make this the last one you go on with her. If it means shaking things up a bit so be it. Prioritise yourself and get some counselling asap to help you stop putting her first at on every occasion. She won't listen and she won't change so it's up to you to do the work on yourself to be able to gain some autonomy in your life.

I really am sympathetic. But. There's only one person you can change, and that's yourself. As you've said, she's just not likely to. And you have refused most of the suggestions for changes you could make to your life and socials etc.

So that leaves one thing: you change your attitude and responses to her. To do this with your family of birth is one of the hardest things, because all that childhood conditioning kicks in. But it's the only space you've allowed because you don't wish to take other approaches.

So what seems left on the table is that you accept that she is the person you've always known. She will make critical, hurtful comments, including in front of others. But you don't need to take them personally, you don't need to think they're accurate or in any way reflect on you, and you can learn to let them just roll off you.

If you have low self esteem and self worth, she's not going to reassure and support you. She never did, why would you think she would now?

But you can support you. You can "re-parent" yourself if that's what you need.

You are good enough. You know this. You just need to let it seep into your bones so that you know it viscerally as well as intellectually.

And maybe it's something you can do yourself, or maybe you go to a therapist to work on it with them.

Because then one day you'll be free of her, and she'll make those comments, and you'll look at her and think "it's sad that you're so bitter and unhappy", and it won't affect you at all.

Work towards that day.

If she gets upset - so what? You are being upset by her!

Take this opportunity while she has withdrawn to redraw your boundaries. Be prepared to say "No - Because I Don't Want To" and ignore any reaction from her.

If she calls round when you've asked her not to - don't answer the door or your phone. You say she can see you're working so she knows you're OK.

OP what you may want to do now rather than confront your mother, is to pop over to YouTube and find a woman there called Dr Ramini, she explains this type of person so well, and what you as a victim can digest and approach them.

My mother is uncanny similar, I too disappoint. I am 54 and she still gets to me. But I have distanced myself from her. I had to.

And you are good enough, your DM knows you are more than good enough, but here is a dark thing and that is you are a part of her egocentric system, if that system is not up to her 5 star reviews outwardly, the persona she wants everyone to see, and maintains at all cost, she will need to constantly kick you into form so that all looks good on her. And I promise you that she also knows what she has done, but she will never, ever apologise of show self awareness, so you waiting for that, or calling her up on her behavior will only make her the victim, and that is the role she is in now. You pulled her up on a few things, she is immensely hurt that you dare question her motives, and honestly she is going to paint you to be the villain to everyone who cares to listen, that is just how these people roll.

You are a victim of a narcissistic parent, or something very close to that, as I cannot diagnose anyone by just reading a post on here.

You need to protect yourself, your mum will never turn up as the version you want her to be, the loving mum, the mum that shows empathy, that will only show up if she feels you are pulling back, and she feels she needs to win you over, its the same cycle as victims of domestic abuse go through.

Narcissism is a fascinating thing, and Dr Ramini is excellent at explaining how these people work, and what role you play in your mums life, and then you may learn how to protect yourself going forward.

What your mum says and has done are all, in her mind, to make you stronger, better, more brilliant, prettier, thinner, more successful, and anything less is her failing in life.