I’m going to change some of the details in this in case H comes across this thread.
Please can I have your honest opinions and ask that you are gentle as I am in quite a vulnerable position?
We are late 40s (me) and early 50s (H).
Both have adult DCs who have left home.
We still live in the family home with a 100k mortgage.
Have been married 8.5 years.
Me: used to have be a well-paid career.
Suddenly started having epileptic fits 3 years ago.
I’m allergic to a lot of meds so epilepsy is largely uncontrollable.
Has been a very bad time as fits can often lead to further injuries and hospital stays.
Had to stop working, can no longer drive.
We live in a backwater, I never wanted to live here. At the time it was best for the DCs.
I’d love to live in beautiful countryside, we live in quiet commuter belt. There are no good walks within close proximity. I’m largely stuck on a commuter estate with nowhere to go. Obviously I can no longer drive anywhere.
Can and do still do a little work from home though not much. The nature of my fits makes me unreliable. I hate being unreliable.
As the epilepsy started just as lockdown was ending H continued WFH.
It’s like lockdown just continued in our house for 5 years.
H: has a good career.
Suddenly has a huge and unexpected responsibility on his hands (me).
Is possibly depressed, he denies this.
His hobbies are all hobbies he does alone from home.
Is very much an Eeyore personality, he is glass half empty, I am glass half full.
Has to have very strict routine; meals must be at the same time every day, must go to sleep and wake up at the same time.
There are some household things I can no longer do due to epilepsy though he always cooked anyway.
There are some household things I can do, like the washing. He will not let me.
Instead, he has to do the washing (he won’t let me do it), every Friday.
Although he has taken all of December off had to use up holiday he still will only do washing on a Friday.
Insists on separating my washing from his (no good reason for this).
There literally dozens of examples of his rules and routines I could cite here.
The routines thing didn’t matter as much when I was working and independent, now it feels like I am on house arrest.
He is obsessed with money, we are still fairly well off.
Epilepsy has curtailed some things, not everything.
Have not had sex for 2+ years, I have tried.
He is good at physically assisting me when I need it, if we are out at the supermarket etc.
If I have a fit and bang my head H never wants me to have medical intervention, including the time I scalded my whole body from the kettle when making a cup of tea and the time I fell downstairs and broke my neck. My support worker comes once a week, she arrived 2 days after the stairs incident and took me straight to hospital. I did ask him to call an ambulance, he made me feel stupid for thinking anything serious was wrong.
He has no sense of humour.
We do not argue.
OTOH he does not listen to my point of view, or my ideas.
This all sounds terrible, actually he is a decent man who did not expect this to happen and is doing what he thinks is the best he can.
To me it feels as though he is infantilising me. I’m still a bright, capable human in many ways.
He refuses to have couples counselling.
If I speak to him about our marriage he is better for a few days, then goes back to normal.
Leaving would not be easy, I cannot afford a divorce solicitor.
My question is simple: is living in a quiet, mediocre marriage, where I feel unloved and disdained something I should stick with?
If I leave I could buy a small house in an area I do want to live in. I wouldn’t have much money, though I wonder whether I would be happier?