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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he emotionally avoidant?

23 replies

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 21:46

My ex reached out last month for reconciliation after 9 months, I felt him getting cold and distant after several attempts of meeting up.
He got slower with replies and dropped the x on the end of messages…

I stepped back.
he blamed me said I’d never change.
I sent a nice message when I returned from my trip to Lapland which we had both booked the year previously, I got no reply.
i deleted him and he deleted me a week later.

Last year we were buying a house together and I pulled out as I don’t think he told me the truth about the deposit, I was putting £240k in and he was putting £6k in.
I’ve had to rewrite the story since to suit him as to why I pulled out.

Whilst we were split up he dated several women and ghosted them, one exposed him online and I saw and showed him, others came forward, he jumped straight into dating when we split. He’s no longer on dating apps.

all these months I’ve been getting angry messages and this time he came back calmer.

all I wanted was a loving family for me and my little boy who loved him and his boys.

how could he destroy all that!

But 9 months of messages, angry ones, loving ones, then the reconcile last month, my head is a shed!

OP posts:
BaguetteLady · 01/01/2026 21:53

Run for the hills!

ShoesSnooze · 01/01/2026 21:58

and when you get over those hills, keep running ... faster

Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:01

But when it was good it was so good, we all got along, it was only since the house situation.
he’s tried to move on but obvs can’t and so have I
I know he loves me. And I also know this all sounds so daft! He has such a great family who I adore and they adore me.
why why why!

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 01/01/2026 22:03

Omg - don't touch this guy with a barge pole.

SirChenjins · 01/01/2026 22:12

Nah - he's just a common or garden prick. Don't overthink him, he's not that deep. Dump him in the bin and move on.

TwistedWonder · 01/01/2026 22:14

JFC - don’t make excuses for this twat by putting a label on him. He’s not an avoidant, he’s an absolute twat.

Why would you even think about buying a house with such a financial disparity?

Franticbutterfly · 01/01/2026 22:15

You need to decide if you want a peaceful life or a rollercoaster. If you like uncertainty and the tumultuousness of it all crack on, but do it with your eyes open. This man has shown you who he is. It is up to you whether you ignore that or not.

Barrellturn · 01/01/2026 22:16

It's not supposed to be this difficult

Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:17

TwistedWonder · 01/01/2026 22:14

JFC - don’t make excuses for this twat by putting a label on him. He’s not an avoidant, he’s an absolute twat.

Why would you even think about buying a house with such a financial disparity?

He showed no signs at the time, all this negativity is since I pulled out of the house.

OP posts:
crazeekat · 01/01/2026 22:18

omg I have the proper fear for u, run like hell and don’t look back!!!!! He is using you. U go back now it will last weeks. Stop playing with your kids and their lives if not for yourself.

Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:22

crazeekat · 01/01/2026 22:18

omg I have the proper fear for u, run like hell and don’t look back!!!!! He is using you. U go back now it will last weeks. Stop playing with your kids and their lives if not for yourself.

He was the only man I’d ever introduced to my child other than his Dad. That’s another reason why I’m so disappointed in it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:24

Franticbutterfly · 01/01/2026 22:15

You need to decide if you want a peaceful life or a rollercoaster. If you like uncertainty and the tumultuousness of it all crack on, but do it with your eyes open. This man has shown you who he is. It is up to you whether you ignore that or not.

I know, I need to break out of this trauma bond.

OP posts:
Franticbutterfly · 01/01/2026 22:27

Sometimes we have to make the decision that is best for us and our future, even if our heart feels a bit differently. Time apart long term usually sorts that out. I feel that love isn’t meant to be exciting and nervewracking, it should be a safe place to land.

Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:30

Franticbutterfly · 01/01/2026 22:27

Sometimes we have to make the decision that is best for us and our future, even if our heart feels a bit differently. Time apart long term usually sorts that out. I feel that love isn’t meant to be exciting and nervewracking, it should be a safe place to land.

You’re right, it’s trying to move on that’s the hard thing to do.
I believe it’s because I didn’t have closure, lots of questions as to why… It was so perfect when it was.
I will do my best in 2026.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 01/01/2026 22:39

To get closure you need to block and have no contact. Keep busy, if your thoughts drift towards him start listing in your head all the reasons you ended things. If you really want to move on, this is what you need to do.

Original poster
Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:41

Endofyear · 01/01/2026 22:39

To get closure you need to block and have no contact. Keep busy, if your thoughts drift towards him start listing in your head all the reasons you ended things. If you really want to move on, this is what you need to do.

I know, but I also need to know why!

my whole two weeks off I’ve been obsessing over this!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/01/2026 22:42

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:41

I know, but I also need to know why!

my whole two weeks off I’ve been obsessing over this!

Show quote history

You need to stop giving him headspace and accept you’ll never know why. You are the only one who can decide to give yourself closure - by waiting for him to, you’re holding on to the past and stopping yourself moving on.

Endofyear · 01/01/2026 23:03

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:41

I know, but I also need to know why!

my whole two weeks off I’ve been obsessing over this!

Show quote history

Read what I wrote again - you need to actively stop yourself giving headspace to these thoughts. If someone behaves like an arsehole towards you, it doesn't matter why - it just matters that he's being an arsehole. Stop trying to analyse him. And get on with your life!

SirChenjins · 01/01/2026 23:09

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:41

I know, but I also need to know why!

my whole two weeks off I’ve been obsessing over this!

Show quote history

Because he just wasn't that into you. Which is actually a good thing.

ForNoisyCat · 05/04/2026 02:36

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 21:46

My ex reached out last month for reconciliation after 9 months, I felt him getting cold and distant after several attempts of meeting up.
He got slower with replies and dropped the x on the end of messages…

I stepped back.
he blamed me said I’d never change.
I sent a nice message when I returned from my trip to Lapland which we had both booked the year previously, I got no reply.
i deleted him and he deleted me a week later.

Last year we were buying a house together and I pulled out as I don’t think he told me the truth about the deposit, I was putting £240k in and he was putting £6k in.
I’ve had to rewrite the story since to suit him as to why I pulled out.

Whilst we were split up he dated several women and ghosted them, one exposed him online and I saw and showed him, others came forward, he jumped straight into dating when we split. He’s no longer on dating apps.

all these months I’ve been getting angry messages and this time he came back calmer.

all I wanted was a loving family for me and my little boy who loved him and his boys.

how could he destroy all that!

But 9 months of messages, angry ones, loving ones, then the reconcile last month, my head is a shed!

I get that yiu want a loving and happy family for your DC but this man is unable to provide that.

vintedandminted · 05/04/2026 02:43

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:41

I know, but I also need to know why!

my whole two weeks off I’ve been obsessing over this!

Show quote history

Because he was after your money. For him it was no money, no relationship.

whattheysay · 05/04/2026 02:43

He wanted your money for a house. 6K isn’t getting him far so he’s come back.
Fall for it if you want but I just hope you get all your money protected

HoppityBun · 05/04/2026 04:58

Blossom80 · 01/01/2026 22:22

He was the only man I’d ever introduced to my child other than his Dad. That’s another reason why I’m so disappointed in it all.

Show quote history

You need to read up about the sunk cost fallacy.

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