I recently broke up with my partner after he went through a stressful situation and completely shut me out. He doesn’t deal with any issues and tends to lean on his family to fix them and stick his head in the sand.
I felt like i was a safe space to land to quell his anxiety, I was okay for a fun date, to moan at about all of the things that were bothering him but he had made no actionable steps to address, I was okay for logistical things… but not enough to be an actual partner. I felt abandoned and completely alone- I tried to talk to him about this but he never addressed the issues.
I all but pleaded that we needed to communicate and sort things out and things needed to change. That I needed answers and we needed to work on things together. Suggested we could go back to dating or see each other less whilst his life was less stressful. Which he refused. I raised that I didn’t think he had capacity for a relationship at this time due to everything else he has on and doesn’t seem to be able to manage and prioritise me.
At our last talk when we broke up he didn’t try and fight for the relationship. He sat pretty much silent, upset and wondering what had happened- even though he told me I have been very clear about my wants and needs and what I wished for the relationship- he just didn’t know what to do. I asked him what he needed and what we could change and he had no answers.
We didn’t speak for weeks and then he says he wants to try and he knows what he needs to change and is willing to put the effort in. My mind has been a mess! Swaying between really wanting the life we had spoken about and he is so lovely and we do love each other so much, but not wanting to be disappointed and hurt all over again.
I said we could meet to talk and but only if he had something to say or it would make the situation worse. I asked him a couple of days ago to meet me: he said he might be meeting a mate to play a board game, but if his mate wasn’t bothered then he would come and see me.
Am I unreasonable to be upset? He ruined the relationship and I’ve really bloody tried. I’ve been super clear that I’m upset at not being a priority and the first chance he was supposed to try a board game night with a mate which wasn’t even locked in had taken priority?? Again.
I told him I was disappointed and how I felt. And I said I couldn’t do it anymore. That he was supposed to be making effort and there has been none on his side.
Apart from that- I really want to be with him. I can see a beautiful life together- but I know it will be years of hard work and I don’t think it’s my place to be there taking the brunt of it and picking up after him when he is so unwilling. I say unwilling but it’s like he genuinely doesn’t know how or what to do.
And I think he does love me and his intentions are good- but he’s just on a completely different page and it’s exhausting bashing my head against a wall.
I know that getting back with him isn’t right unless he is willing to do substantial and long-term work on himself. Which is unlikely.
But it doesn’t stop this part where I’m still
full of hope and it’s so upsetting because I know if I said to try he would jump, but things wouldn’t change.
I just want to skip this part. How can i look after myself and start to feel better? I know itl take time and i need to be kind to myself. I’m struggling more with the prospect of what could have been- potential I guess, which I know isn’t reality. I’m just sad.