telling someone their long term partner cheated years ago

[StepsNotMiles]

If you knew that someone had been emotionally or romantically involved with another person years ago while also being in a long term relationship, do you think there is ever a kind or appropriate way for that information to be shared with their actual partner? Especially now that they are engaged.

I am not talking about revenge, drama, or public exposure, and I am not angry or jealous. More a values question. If the roles were reversed, I think I would want to know before committing to marriage, but I also recognise that outside involvement can cause harm and may not be welcome.

Interested in views on whether honesty always outweighs potential damage, or whether it is better left alone once time has passed.

Is this new information or have you sat on it for a long time?

Was this person you?

It depends on the circumstances. I would need more context to decide.

I think if its someone else's relationship which has developed to an engagement; its best to let it take its course. You don't lnow what they already know, you don't know if they've spoke about it. Regardless though, its best not to upset the applecart.

Stay out of it. They could already know.

It would depend who they are. My sister, absolutely. Some random person I didn’t know, nope. I don’t know them or their relationship and it isn’t my business to meddle.

I guess it would depend on who the person is to me and of course whether there's evidence.

Son or daughter - yes I'd tell them.

Also there's a difference between being emotionally and romantically involved.

Depends. Who is it to you? Has the engagement prompted this?

If this is information you are wondering about telling, why did you not do so at the time?

I wish someone told me I was about to marry a scumbag, my life would be completely saved by them so I’d consider an anonymous heads up to the bride to be to let her make an informed decision

This is a question that requires context.

Scenario 1 - I have a new colleague who I get along well with, who when chatting about their travels, they show me pictures of said trips they went on 2 years ago with my siblings/best friends partner. I find out from new colleague that they were in a relationship at the same time as I knew the partner to be together with my best friend/sibling.

Scenario 2 - I knowingly entered into an affair with a colleague. It ended a while ago, but now I’ve found out he’s proposed to his long term partner.

Very different scenarios.

I've name changed for this because it's very outing.

A friend of mine's husband is a serial cheater. Myself and another friend have seen his behaviour over the years to know what he's been up to.

They've been married a long time, have two grown up daughters and to the world present the image of a perfect family. She absolutely adores him and says things like 'we are basically the same person'. On the surface she's blissfully happy and content with her life.

He on the other spends a lot of time away running a business and travelling overseas. He's living a parallel life where he does what he wants and it's well known he's a player. She does everything for him when he's home, so for him he's having a whale of a time.

I haven't told her and I won't. You can say I'm a bad friend and it's something I've wrestled with for years but I can't do it to her. I just can't. She's been through very serious health issues and has suffered a lot of bereavement in her life. I think it would just absolutely crush her and I suspect on some level she must know. Or maybe they have an open relationship.

When they are together they do seem so happy and well suited.

She is the loveliest person I know and I just can't do it to her, especially as what I suspected all happened a while ago.

It's something that makes me uneasy from time to time but I'd rather live with that and pick up the pieces with her of she finds out than throw a bomb into her world.

It's a horrible feeling a times as I know she wants us to perceive her life as idyllic so I just play along and keep up the pretence.

I wish I didn't know anything tbh.

I disagree that context matters!

What matters is the betrayed having their personal agency returned to them and that always includes knowing the truth.

I would absolutely want to know before taking a step such as marriage. Marrying a cheat (3-4 times more likely to cheat again even in subsequent relationships) is a massive risk.

From years ago, no.
They may not have been 'exclusive' at the time.
He or she may already know about what happened and they've moved on from it.
If it was a close friend and it happened last week, I'd have to seriously think about what I should do.

No. Keep your beak out of it

There are so.many questions here:

-How do you know he cheated?
-Are you certain that she does not already know this?
-Who is this woman to you? A friend? A relative?
-why didn't you say anything at the time?

How would it be if you spoke to the partner and ascertained whether the connection you speak of is now known to the previously betrayed partner: "Did you ever disclose your friendship with X to Dfiancee? Are there any conversations you ought to have with her about that before she commits to marriage with you?"

Leave it alone. I feel like your intention is not concern for his fiance.

It was from years ago, no. He could have moved on and be a reformed character.

No I wouldn’t tell them.

Different scenarios (though not quite sure I follow the first) - but I would have precisely the same response to both

I would absolutely have to say something, IF I knew for sure that I had my facts straight. Entering into marriage is huge, and getting divorced is a lot more stressful, expensive and mentally damaging than breaking an engagement.
This type of situation is when you find out who your true friends are. I could never let someone make a huge life decision like that if I knew what you do…even if it meant i lost a friend by being the one who disclosed it. Not doing so is doubling the betrayal of this man in my book.

@Inthebasement i think I agree. Though I think id have to consider other things too - if it was a one off 20 years ago at the start of their relationship, maybe he’s changed. If I know he’s done that with other women too, I’d have to cave and say something, even if I just revealed the most recent relationship. There’s no way I could watch a friend marry a serial cheater without saying something. I’d be the worst friend in the world.

Though if OP was the other woman then her motives are likely to be rooted in jealousy and she shouldn’t say anything.

There are so many scenarios people will be imagining when they read your question, OP, that it’s impossible to give a meaningful answer without understanding the context and your position in the scenario.

Are you the one considering saying something?
Or has someone else already done so?
What was your involvement in the previous affair? What’s your relationship to the couple?