Kids know about ex’s new partner

[Em1988x]

My husband and I have been separated since May and yesterday told the kids he has a new gf. The eldest ds is almost 12 and has said he doesn’t care, however I think surely he does so will talk to him properly since the bombshell has been dropped, and this morning I spoke to dd who is 9 and she isn’t happy and sad. She said she’s wants her dad to be happy but naturally she isn’t sure why we can’t try again. She’s said she doesn’t want to meet the woman ever and doesn’t want a step mom. I have explained we will always be a family but mom and dad love each other as friends now, and gone into detail about how relationships can change but nothing changes our love for her etc. I have reassured her that she will not be forced to meet any new partners from me or her dad.

Has anyone experienced this from their children? It’s too soon, I know but ex failed to listen. Is it likely she will come around to it?

You can’t and don’t need to do anything about the way he introduces people to them, except support them. You can only control the way you choose (or choose not to) introduce new people in to their lives. Well done you sound like a caring parent sensitive to your children’s needs.

I have reassured her that she will not be forced to meet any new partners from me or her dad.

You should have not given that reassurance because you can bet dad is planning and he can force her to meet making you look like a liar in her eyes. You can't control this situation so you should just confirm you will support her if she needs to talk.

I would remove "love" each other as friends, just "mummy and daddy love you both, we are friends and both want each other to be happy, and part of being happy is sometimes having a partner, so hopefully this makes dad happy just like spending time with both of you makes us both happy"

If you are able I would try to be positive about this woman and allow the children to form a warm relationship with her (in time). They need to know that they are not doing anything wrong if they like her and it is not disloyal to you.

You can’t and shouldn’t speak for your ex on what will happen with the children and his new girlfriend because it’s up to him. As it will be up to you if you meet someone new.

You’re making it you and DD vs her father which will damage their relationship.

And your son may not be that bothered, who can say. It’s not a bombshell, it’s just news, and you’ll make it into a massive deal by bringing it up with him. You can’t add to anything his dad has said so I wouldn’t try.

Change is always difficult but he’s allowed to move on and you’ll hurt your children by implying he’s doing anything wrong.

I agree that saying she doesn’t have to meet the Gf was a bad idea. It sounds like your DD has been hoping the split will repair itself which is absolutely natural. Now she needs to be supported in knowing that her parents can both meet new partners in the future, and that’s absolutely ok.

Sorry OP I say this with the best intentions but it all sounds a bit dramatic. It’s not a ‘bombshell’, it’s just an update on your ex’s life. I may be wrong but I sounds to me as if your son doesn’t care and isn’t unhappy and this bothers you - what more is there to discuss with him if he says he doesn’t care? You need to reassure your daughter that her dad still loves her but has a gf now, anything else you say has the potential to seriously damage their relationship

Be honest with your kids.

First, you don't love your husband as a friend. You split up because you can't live together and that won't change. You will not be getting bAck together.

Second, you can't control what their dad does. That can tell him what they think. Your daughter can say she's not ready to meet his girlfriend but that might not stop him from forcing the issue. Be prepared for that and to have an unhappy kid when that happens.

He's really rushing things 7 months after a split and your daughter might need some therapy to deal.

Yes I feel uncomfortable about this too. I don't think you should be having a say in who they meet when there with there Dad. I think you can be encouraging that Daddy still loves them and that the new gf might be fun.

I say this as the person who drove her 15yr old to her Dad's wedding even though she wasn't sure and had had a few tears over it. Now she's 18yrs, I think she is pleased she went.

I may have made a mistake in saying she didn’t have to meet her and no one was forcing her, however it was her that said in no way am I meeting her. I have tried to reassure her and told her to stay open to the idea and I’m sure she’s lovely else dad wouldn’t have chosen her to be his partner, but she has this view that step parents are bad for some reason (although I have told her it’s not her step mom) and just see it as dads partner. And she is quite a stubborn and emotional child so not sure how to help her come around to the idea. He asked whether she’d like to go to the park with them and her kids but she said no.

I haven’t spoken to my son about it and took the advice to leave it be.

Were they young when dad met someone new and how did you help her come around to the idea? Was it also the same for her when you met someone new

Well. My ex met someone else two weeks after we split up and right in the midest of our divorce and separation. It was horrid, we didn't speak to each other for two years. My daughter was 2yrs and my solicitor and his solicitor made it very clear that I had no choice in whether she met his new girlfriend or not and I would be seen as being obstructive by the courts if I stopped it.

I did meet someone else who was completely the wrong person (my son's father) which was an abusive relationship. He had a daughter the same age and was also going through court. At the start we introduced them as friends. After I got rid of him I remained single for a long time. My ExH has had several girlfriends since the first one, my DD lives with me full time and none of them stuck around for long until he met his future wife. DD did push back on her and was pretty rude to her when she was 10/11ish but now they have a really good relationship.

My current partner met both my kids on neutral grounds before seeing them in our home.

What I would say is that if you have an amicable relationship with your ex to be as supportive as possible about the new girlfriend, unfortunately she doesn't get a choice about going but you could ask she still gets lots of 121 time with him etc.... At 9yrs the courts will make her have contact with him and whoever he chooses which goes against the promise you made her which is why it's uncomfortable to read as its not in your power to stop it, he's her parent too.