How to move on after NC with a narcissistic mother.

[Velvetcloud25]

Iv finally gone no contact with my narcissistic mother! I told her to leave my house over Xmas as I finally reacted to all the abuse she has put me through.

She’s put me down all my life,lied to me for years about who my real father was,didn’t protect me from physical,emotional abuse,she doesn’t ask about my life and when I did see her she would use my boyfriend to do jobs around the house this became constant and it was embarrassing. She calls me mean names latest one (I looks anorexic) when I was over weight she would also mock me. She only took interest in my children when they were babies. She’s so lazy and each friend she has is a source of supply for her for eg she will get her hairdresser to pick up her groceries or she will use her other friend to get her milk. She drives and shes only in her 60s but she acts so much older. She will never apologize because she is super selfish. It’s her birthday soon and Iv bought her cards and gifts,I will get them
to her somehow as im not ignorant however I just want some advice on how to move on with my life without her. I have guilt but I finally see the light and I have boundaries. Thankyou

NC means no futher contact.
No gifts.
Its not ignorant to not give gifts to a nasty person.
NC means no further contact whatsoever.
Block her EVERYWHERE.
Look into some counselling and look up some videos on YouTube about surviving narcissistic mothers and going NC.
Good luck.
Peace awaits you if you do it properly.

@Tinsles i appreciate your reply. I am struggling so much as I know she’s been unkind all my life but I’m an empathetic person and always try and help people.

I agree with PP that NC means precisely no contact. You do not have anything to do with her again.

Perhaps you might find low contact (where you do get gifts and cards and contact her occasionally, but at a very low contained level e.g. visit for an hour on birthdays and Christmas) more what you'd like to do?

I'd suggest giving yourself some space though. Don't send the gifts etc. It takes a long time to grief (because grieving is what you are doing, grieving the relationship you should have had with your mother). It's like splitting up with an ex-boyfriend - you still have feelings for them, but you know they are bad for you, so you just need to keep away.

Also be aware that you are conditioned to think kindly of your mum and to put others before yourself. It takes a very long time to break the conditioning. You do not need to be "nice" to people who mistreat you.

I'd suggest therapy, or at least reading relevant books or watching podcasts. At the moment you are probably still trying to understand what "good" behaviour looks like.

I haven't seen dm since 2012. She has not had any cards or gifts whatsoever

Oh op you just can’t underestimate how profound a realisation this is and it will take time for the new model of life and relationships to appear. The pressure society puts on us to stay in harmful relationships with cruel people is nigh on brainwashing.

It is the ultimate act of bravery to see a parent exactly as they are and many people will shame us for not going along with the charade just to make people feel comfortable.

I celebrated 6 years yesterday since I stopped unkind family members from harming me with their veiled, and wonton cruelty. Your parent spent decades building a sense of responsibility for their inner world, in you, all the time making it demonstrably clear that the only time they’re interested in your inner world is when they need to hurt your feelings to shut you up. “But hey it’s your mum” 🤷🏻‍♀️

The first 12 months are a roller coaster and if you’re feeling wild with guilt sometimes know that that’s absolutely the norm.

peace and love

Don't see her, speak to her, write to her or think of her. She is now irrelevant to you.

OP

re your comment
"It’s her birthday soon and Ive bought her cards and gifts"

Why?. This is because you are still in a FOG (fear obligation and guilt) state re her together with receiving the Special Training all now adult children of narcissists receive to put their narcissistic parents' needs first with your own dead last.

No contact is precisely that; no contact. This does not mean giving her presents etc. You will be indeed foolish to send her anything because that invites a response and the door of communication should now remain firmly closed.

You are an empathetic person but your empathy is wasted on her precisely because she has no empathy. She is beyond help and in fact does not want or need gifts for her birthday (which she will not like anyway and will find fault with) help or support. Contacting her at all will just make things worse for you. Please take heed and drop the rope.

Do look at Dr Ramani on You tube and read Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson which is about narcissists.