Bereavement grief and relationship loss

[YenSon]

I don’t know if this is the right topic thread to post this in and I don’t even know why I’m posting this. Just to get it off my chest really.

About 6 months ago, my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. I’m mostly at peace with it, or so I thought. It was the ‘best’ kind of sudden and unexpected death for a 77 year old with no suffering or illness. I’m truly happy for him that this was how he went. Terrible for my mum who found him. He had no funeral, as that is what he wanted. That was kind of hard but kind of not.
christmas has been tricky this year at points and I’ve grieved quietly, mostly.

Yesterday, my partner of 16 years told me it’s over. We have two kids together. One with additional needs who has been out of school for 18 months and is starting a new specialist school in a few days. He’s made good strides recently with his mental health and I’m so worried about the impact of this on him.

To make it harder still, we will still need to live together for a while and until our son is settled, we don’t want to tell the kids. I feel this would be a huge emotional setback for him which could result in this school placement failing. We’ve fought via a tribunal for this.

I’m in bits. I’ve been wobbly over my dad this past week and now this. Another loss. I don’t have any friends to talk about this with. I did go to my mum’s last night and told her about it. I knew that staying at home around him and the kids would result in me starting an argument and it getting messy. Mum and I had a good cry together. Nothing she can do about it though other than to say it’s so sad. She’s grieving my dad terribly and her grief is out of love. I’m grieving the loss of my relationship because he doesn’t love me.
The rejection is terrible. I’m 49, perimenopausal, just diagnosed with ADHD, managing a stressful job with a teenager with complex needs and a primary school aged child who has a full life.

It’s New Year’s Eve, I’m at home with my kids. He’s gone to stay over at his dad’s.

i need to get through it as smoothly as possible.

I can get anxiety when I feel overwhelmed and I’m an over thinker. I feel blindsided by everything that needs to be done and what might be, whilst thinking about what won’t ever be now.

Im so sad, lonely and feel so useless. I’d really like a big hug from my dad.

I don’t know the point of this other than to share what a shitter it is and hope someone can tell me it’ll be alright.

That's shit timing but you're right, you WILL be OK. It might take a while to get there, there might some days when it all seems really bleak but slowly and surely life will get lighter and easier again.

This place can be a good line of support sometimes, I hope you can find some here

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father died 3 years ago and some days are still so tough. I can't give you much advice on the relationship break down but wanted to send you my thoughts and reassure you it will definitely all work out in the end. It always does!

It will be okay, you’ll find the strength to get through the next few months. It’ll probably feel like a bit of a rollercoaster but you’ll come out the other side stronger and happier.
Look after yourself and the children, talk about it to people close to you, it will help and obviously get some legal advice. Do one day at a time and cry if you need to. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Take care.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation. My dad died 7 months ago, 3 months ago my DH told me he's been unhappy for years and wants to separate. I've been absolutely reeling. He hasn't left yet, he's struggling to decide if he does actually want to go, and I've been trying to prepare myself for him leaving. I'm also perimenopausal and can relate to what you say about rejection.

I would say rally whatever support you can, I'm using my mum for support and my friends where I feel comfortable to tell them. It's certainly hard to talk about as I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Hugs, hang in there, keep telling yourself you'll be okay. I know the anxiety keeps getting me though, at times I'm so scared. Good advice above to take it one day at a time, I'm trying to do this as much as possible.

Bless you OP. What an awful shock for you. The only advice I have is to keep in mind that one day you’ll be over this and your life will be good again.

How absolutely bloody awful
My heart goes out to you❤️
I assume that couples counselling isn't an option?

I'm so sorry, for the loss of your dad and for the end of your relationship. Very poor timing from him, although I appreciate there is no good time really. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mum so hopefully you can escape to hers when it all gets a bit much - tell the kids Grandma isn't too well and you will need to pop in on her frequently and maybe stay over. Do reach out to friends too - get all the support you can.

Right now you're reeling, it's a shock and you're getting through the hours just holding on. If you feel overwhelmed, get your coat on and have a brisk walk in the cold - it's really good for dissipating anxiety. Download the calm app to your phone for some really good breathing and mindfulness meditations. Practice self care as much as you can. At some point you will have to hash out all the financial and childcare arrangements but it can wait. Just breathe and take each day as it comes. I hope your son settles in his new school 💐

I'm so sorry. You will get through this and you will be ok, but now isn't the time to think about the future - that's when you'll get overwhelmed.

As much as you can, stay in the present and just get through one minute at a time. This pain won't last forever.

Do you know about butterfly hugs? Hold your right shoulder with your left hand and your left shoulder with your right hand (i.e. arms crossed over your chest). If it feels ok, also gently tap your shoulders in that position, alternating left-right left-right. It's not the same as being hugged by someone else but it does soothe your nervous system in a similar way.

It's completely natural to feel as you do.
I was bloody terrified when both my husband and Dad died very suddenly within a short space of time.
I was left raising two young sons completely alone.
That was 12 years ago and only today l looked up at the sky and said "Dad you would be so proud"
You will find a way, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Grief is extremely draining, so important to take good care of yourself and treat yourself very gently.

How are you doing @YenSon? 🥰

Thank you all so much for your advice, kindness and for taking the time to share your experiences.
i know this happens to other people and I’m just going to have to get on with it.
What hurts the most is that I’m convinced he’s seeing someone else. Things don’t add up. It’s possible I’m putting 2 and 2 together to make 5 but I don’t think so. Im quite intuitive usually. It’s ok to fall out of love with me. It’s ok to be unhappy with your lot. That can’t be helped. It mightn’t be what I’d do but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. But seeing someone else whilst living with me and the kids in the house we own and proclaiming to be unhappy? That’s not ok. Obviously I don’t know for sure and don’t know if I want to know at this point. It makes me feel sick.

Oh my goodness, how terrifying. That must have been so hard. That’s lovely you think you’ve come so far your dad will have been proud. You must have done a great job x

Thank you so much. With my ADHD it’s ’out of sight, out of mind’ and the guilt I feel when I remember is horrible x

Thank you for kind message. I really appreciate it x

Thank you. Yes, one day at a time. I just want it all to be sorted so I can get on with it without having to go through the sorting!!

Oh My @kiwiblue I’m so sorry. This makes me so cross for you. You must have the patience of a saint whilst he ‘decides’. What do you want? x

Thank you. I feel like a child and want to throw my toys out of the pram! I’m angry and hurt (and impulsive!) and I really don’t want to make things worse. I’m worried I’m going to. I do know it’s not my fault but how I react to it is. I don’t know how to do this.

No. It’s not. It’s beyond that according to him.
i think I’ll get some counselling for myself though.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You've barely accepted the loss of your dad and now this. I lost my mum 20 months ago and can't imagine such loss compounded with your partner in life suddenly leaving. I'm late 40s and peri, also have anxiety at times which is even harder in grief.
I've found the Calm app excellent for sleep stories (I had always scoffed at the idea, but when mum died I found immense solace in the soothing stories to help me sleep especially Alan Sklaars voice, Laura Dern and Erik Braa).

Meditation helped me immensely too, literally breathing out longer than I breathe in, focusing only on the feeling of breathing.
I'm very future focused and this helped me stay present.

Once your child has the support they need, and you've spoken to a solicitor, perhaps things will start to form into some kind of plan.
I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. As an orphan now I can say eventually you feel their strength live on through you.
Big hug.

Thank you @Endofyear. I do have a good relationship with my mum. I’m in the mindset of almost panicking how I’ll cope when she goes. I can almost feel the pain of it now.

@YenSon
I can feel your pain, Im so sorry for the loss of your father.
Mine passed in 2021.
Its true, it does get better with time. Eventually you will remember the good times and feel blessed for having him as part of your life. This will be how he lives on.

Relationship wise, just let him go as of now.
My relationship also broke down after 19 years and two children, he was cheating. I suspected at the time but did not know for sure.

What you feel now can be described as falling off a cliff or treading water.
This IS temporary. It IS hard. You WILL get through it.
For now take one day at a time.
Look after yourself. Hydrate, nourish, and try to get as much sleep as you are able.

In the coming weeks you will find your strength. That free fall or drowning feeling will pass. This is when you can start to plan your new life.
It will be slow and steady. You will get there in the end.
One day in the future, quite unexpectedly you will feel better.

All my love to you OP, you got this xx

Thank you. I want to keep the family together, our children are still quite young. I'm 41. I feel if we both put the effort in we could get back to a good relationship. But I do resent him hugely for this and wonder if I can be happy if we do stay together.

I am sorry to hear you think he's cheating. Certainly when they give you the script about how neglected and unhappy they are it's not unlikely.

Definitely do individual counselling, I have been doing this and it has helped. We also talked through the bereavement in my counselling sessions and that helped.

I also am panicking about the thought of my mum dying as I feel I couldn't cope if that happened!!

Lots of love and hugs. You sound like a strong person even if you don't feel that way. Hang in there and tell yourself he won't ruin your life!

Good idea. 🥰❤️

How are you feeling @YenSon? Thinking about you 🥰