Husbands.drinking

[Charly34]

struggling , im 37 he is 47 been together 15 years i raised his two kids with him (no mum she walked) , he has always drank of an evening since the day we met, was never an issue as such unless he drank whisky then he was horrid, I occasions 13 years ago he was verbally violent to me but I stayed and had been great since but since then I hate drinking with him never have dont like it incase he was to ever turn again even thou he hasn't untill this year, ..
He has always had me on a peddle stall great man in the day so helpful round the house to couldn't ask for better so helpful woth housework cooking the kids etc , he ticks all the boxes works so hard to but he drinking has got worse and is mixing with sleeping pills which makes him a mess and I cant stand to be near him, he doesn't touch a drop till our youngest (3) is in bed and then he switches off with a beer, great , thats acceptable but its the mixing with meds he is smashed and falling everywhere and is insulting when I ask what's happened to him, cant stand to be around him... anyways ... I put my foot down 2 month ago told him get help or im gone, he did, he did one coucilling session and a hypnotherapy session and went 3 weeks with nothing couldn't of been prouder, he has now drank for 5 days straight 6-8 beers a night and I cant stand it .. am I being a humbug as its Xmas season? I cant be around him soon as he starts slurring it jars me and im not feeling happy , then he asked if we can have sex and I dont want to he is not attractive to me , he snores terrible when drunk like most and the room stinks of stale beer every morning , I dont no what to do myself , he stayed in a hotel last week as he was so ashamed of his verbal behaviour towards me the night before he cried and left for the night... I didn't no weather to be angry that he left me to run the home and kids alone or to feel sorry him that he was sad alone,
Sorry for the essay ,think I needed to get this off my chest

Your three year old as do the other young people here picks up on your reactions both spoken and unspoken to your man. You are playing out the usual roles associated with such; codependent partner, provoker and enabler. You are going to have to let go of any residual hope that he will change. Only he can change his ways and he does not want to do so.

Thank you everyone , I have read back everything I have wrote , and it simply sounds shocking and I would give them same.advice to another woman, lot of thinking today, I have told.him we need to end things ive had enough and he kist said we'll your not attractive to me anymore as you dont want to have sex , I mean what a thing to say, I am literally outside the hospital atm for bloods to check for perimenopause or low testosterone because ive had no sex drive since having my son and I do make efforts as he is my man but due to his behaviour why would I right now , thought it was a piggish thing to say to me knowing im having bloods today to check my hormones, thank you again everyone , been an eye opener for sure

Hi OP,

Firstly, I feel he is aware he has a problem (he might not recognise it as addiction). It doesn't sound like he doesn't care, but he is in a cycle which is difficult to break. A support network is what he needs. This could be AA or another local service. Some find AA hard to stick with because they are spirituality based, which means there is talk of god. It's not for everyone. He needs new habits to place his current routine. He is in a cycle. I can guarantee at some point during the day he starts thinking about having a drink. He most probably starts the day thinking he's not going to drink, but there is always a reason to want one - good day, bad day, it rained, traffic, the sun is shining, someone pissed him off at work, someone talks about having a drink. The impulse is too strong to ignore.

Of course, as people have said, he needs to do this because he wants to. Sadly people rarely make these changes (long term) for others. Not even their children.

Also, often the missing link is some kind of mental health or trauma. People use substances to bury what ever it is they are struggling with.

What you do with the relationship is your choice, but he's needs support to make changes. This doesn't mean enabling the behaviour.

@AttilaTheMeerkat totally agree and that's what im.scared of , what dissapoints me the most is the older kids mum.was an alcoholic still is now a crack head, the kids were removed from her care when they were 3 and 5 months old , he didn't drink then, so I said to him I will not have my.son watching u drink every night as he grows and the way you treat me , have you not learnt from.the past, she was horrendous use to hit him and not remember the next day, social services told him take the children and leave and she was cool with that, and he did and did it amazing but now it's gone all Pete tong , anyways your right my call things need to be sorted ! Have a good new years guys wish everyone well for 2026

@RideTheGoat yes he started drinking when hes mum tragically died , then hes dad soon after he is an only child , but he was ok them years couple.of beers with dinner then bed, but never went a night without and now its just gone bananas this past year, I told him.h3 has truama he agreed counselling done one day and said it wasn't for him. Then done hypnotherapy few months ago didn't drink for 3 weeks couldn't of been prouder then hes slipped back, he said to me last night , im an alcoholic and I will fall off ?. Never drinks in the day never has its an evening thing

Can he go to rehab? He needs to sign himself in. Then he will be about a month in there. That's a last resort. If he doesn't agree to that he is out on his ear. I know someone who packed a black sack and put it outside the door..he went to rehab.
How does it work if they are his kids..the older ones.? Presume they stay with you.

He would simply waste a rehab place if he goes there now because there is no determination or will on his part to stop drinking. Only he can decide to stop drinking. Rehab places as well are few and far between.

You can only save yourself ultimately op. Do not further let him drag your kids and you down with him. That choice is yours.

Where is he getting the Valium from? Most GPs are extremely reluctant to issue it these days. I’d be very tempted to inform the GP that he is misusing it in this way. They wouldn’t disclose it to your husband but would almost certainly restrict his prescription.

a bit confused about the older children who you describe as yours? Are they his children from his earlier relationship or do you both have teenagers? No way on earth are they unaffected by this. They must also get the treatment from him when he’s been mixing drink and drugs?

OP you’re going round in circles trying to make excuses for this man’s behaviour, minimizing the impact on your/his children, trying to square it all away in your head about him being a good guy. The truth is people like this get you confused, because they’re so good in one way, but awful in the other. The trick is that they keep you so fixated on trying to figure them out, that you completely miss the point that this man is dysfunctional, coercive (hence abusive) and damaging your children’s wellbeing, alongside yours. Take a massive step back from this situation and assess it with fresh eyes, when you do you’ll see how mad you’d be to dedicate your life to someone who puts you and your children at priority number ? It’s certainly not priority 1 and 2. He’ll ruin yours and your kids life and that’s from experience.

End it now for the sake of your kids. Ive been there. I only ended my relationship recently and life is so much lighter without my partner draining all the joy from the world. My son is happy he is gone. You only have one life and you need to live it for you. Alcoholics are selfish. He will only stop of he wants to. He's unlikely to want to. In the meantime he will lie and lie and try and try to blame you. Every slip up will be your fault, you will be the reason he fails..but in reality they are just weak and selfish and ultimately better left alone where they can't damage the people around them. Good luck op.

Sorry to focus on something else than the obvious, but where is he getting Valium from (Medical person here)?
Diazapam - its patent name - is almost impossible to get prescribed by a GP these days. So, I would question exactly what he is taking??

Your little 3 year old is being impacted by this. Yes he might be asleep when their dad starts boozing but if your arguing, he will hear. If dads getting fucked up at night then wakes groggy the next day, the child may get his anger at being tired, not interested in doing stuff with child, only waiting for the acceptable time to pop his pills and drink alcohol. Mums on edge the entire time, walking on egg shells and trying to keep a peaceful house. It’s exhausting and ive just left a similar marriage over this. Were all talking from experience here. My life has gotten 1000x better since my H left and we divorced. I cant tell you how wonderful it is not to have an angry useless twat in the house. My kids refuse to see their dad because hes messed the relationship up with them, despite my encouragement in getting them together. Very sad but he takes no responsibility.

you do understand he’s probably hiding drink too?

make 2026 the year you become free

You have to leave. This is no life.

I drink with diazepam sometimes and it’s barely noticeable so I think he’s lying to you and he’s either drinking a lot more (maybe spirits) or taking much more than you are aware.

No quiet the opposite he always wakes and trains and eats well and is always helping out and playing or taking son out, hes drank for so long he doesn't wake groggy tbh, today I put son in car and walked back in and told him about himself, since I got back all he has done is clean up and avoided mentioning his drunkeness last night , offering me a takeaway asked me what were having, I said I ain't sort yourself out ill happily eat from freezer, and he left the room currently making himself a stake offered me one etc just declined it , hes just trying to keep the peace same shit, he wont drink tonight to prove a point he has control and then once out little one is asleep he is gunna wanna talk it out and im refusing to dont wanna know tbh dont really no what else to say,
And yes I think he had spirits hes usual was miniature form the shops before he got home and told me that had stopped but somthing was off last night 2 beers and diazpane at 6pm according to him and by 9pm he looked wankered, I call him out and he starts like he is being judged then acts depressed then after that its the whole higherarchy approach and thats when I zone out and I leave him be

My husband is not a moody man never has been unless he is drunk and I call him out then he gets annoyed like a child stamping there feet

Its the cycle op. Does something bad, you have a go, they change and be perfect for 1-2 days, then straight back at it! Come on dont fall for it. Think of your child.

@MamaJenni I know I know 🥺,

My feeling is, he does care and feel things deeply but he is self medicating in the wrong way.

He needs professional specialist substance abuse support which inevitably involves some level of counselling, but counselling alone without a real focus on how he is managing the drink and prescription? medication will not suffice.

And him unravelling in the same home as you will be hard to manage around the kids.

And you need to put your life jacket on first before you save everyone else.

Stopping drinking suddenly can be dangerous and cause seizures if not supported with medication.

So get some professional help from your local council website.
No idea where you live.
You sound American in your lingo, but wherever you are, there will be online/telephone help you can look up.

Maybe start with Domestic abuse services online and look for links to substance misuse services.

You may not want social services getting involved but they may be of use, and may end up involved anyway because kids get caught in the crossfire somehow.

You best be proactive now so you are seen as wanting to protect them, and improve their father's life so he survives to bring them up.

Maybe you suggest he gets bloods done to check liver, kidney function.

Get a liver scan.

Speak to your doctor?

Loads of help out there if you look for it. But professionals will be wanting to safeguard the kids and escalate concerns if they have any, re kids welfare.
If you are seen as a protective factor, then hopefully things will work out the way you hoped.

But he sounds pretty well hooked atm and no shifting his position long term.

He's an adult, remember that.

My exdp was very much like this. Done all the ironing, all the hoovering, ferried the kids around, done all school pick ups, done all the washing up. Never had a drink until 6pm then he'd crack open a beer. Always beer, never spirits. Then he'd get in a mood with me, and that could last up to two weeks. Silent treatment. We never argued. There was never raised voices. He never once laid a finger on me. The breaking point came when I was called into ds8's school by the head, as he'd been upset in school as mummy and daddy were arguing. There was no verbal arguing but there was silence. I went home and asked him to move out that afternoon. That was 12 years ago. I'm now engaged to a wonderful man.

@Bones75 this is just my life , apart form silent treatment he will anything in his power the next day to sort it out , im just dreading the same old chat tbh, im.going to tell him my son comes before him (obviously). And if he cant do it he needs to leave untill he does come back level headed and clean or we separate

Rather, they only change if they want to. Many people are sober. But you can't make them. Only leave if they dont want to.

@OldHackKidsInTow no im from London , didn't no my typing sounded American 😂,

@OldHackKidsInTow thank you for advice 🙏🏼

I wish you luck op. Its not easy, i was with mine for far too many years because i was scared to break up, but since hes left its been amazing honestly. I wish id done it sooner xx