Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anniversary of affair

21 replies

Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 22:51

I am posting here as I have no one in real life to talk to and I just feel like I need to talk to someone. Trying to be vague as to not be outing .

4 years ago , around this time of year , I discovered my husband had a short affair , months prior. It was over by the time I found out. We were in a very bad place at the time.

We are in a really good place now , I decided to stay , we worked at it and he did everything I could have asked to help me to heal. We had counselling etc. Generally , day to day, I am happy. I don’t want anyone to come along and tell me to leave - I don’t want to. I love him very much and I do feel secure.

But , every year at this point , it comes back. This year - and last year - I felt really low and anxious and then I realised it was the anniversary. It isn’t like the day would have passed and I wouldn’t have realised , the time of year now has that memory attached but it is like my body remembered before I actually did. I just feel so low and insecure . 😞

I don’t want to feel like this. I want to enjoy the time of year. I know once the actual day passes , and maybe the few weeks after , I’ll be ok. But this time of year 4 years ago was horrendous. There was crying , shouting , I spent the first few days of the year getting myself checked out in an std clinic and as a married woman that was would destroying , I remember explaining to the doctor why I was there and sobbing in front of them . Everything I knew was pulled from under me and I know in that moment I changed. So did my marriage. A part of me does feel stronger and in all honesty it was the catalyst for a lot of things changing in my life at the time …. The impact on me , made me change my career path for one as I just couldn’t continue with how low I felt mentally and although that was awful , if it hadn’t happened I would have stayed where I was , unhappy , but muddling through. Instead I had a mini breakdown and it led to me leaving a career and moving to a new one and I am so unbelievably happy now in my career - and the stronger person I became - that I don’t think I would necessarily go back and change it . I try to look positively like that . Like everything happens for a reason . But I just feel so sad and anxious.

I don’t want to bring it up to him because I know he will feel guilty and be doing everything to make me happy and I think why bring the whole household down and reopen old wounds when I know I’ll get through it like I do every year?

I don’t know what I want here , I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Kitkate21 · 30/12/2025 23:04

I think what you've managed to achieve is flipping admirable! If I was you I'd be either booking myself in to a spa, city break something for just you or something for you as a couple. To appreciate how far you've both come and keep investing in your marriage. I'm a cut and run girl. But you've both obviously put in the effort to repair the damage and it's okay to feel meh at this point. I don't have any more suggestions than that. It's a difficult time of year too. X

Sohelpmegod25 · 30/12/2025 23:05

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve had it myself and it was awful.
It’s great you’ve managed to “work through this” and you say you’re in a “good place” however if it’s still bothering you 4 years on I’d be questioning being in a “good place” if I’m honest. You clearly still have doubts and reservations about this?

Everyone is different and all circumstances are different but when my ex did that to me, I listened to my mum and personally went down the route of separating.

My Mum said that staying with him and forgiving is almost an open invite to allow him to do it again and again, she said it probably wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last she was absolutely right. He then cheated on the girl he left me for and she came to my front door to tell me god knows why!! I said to her - what did you expect, I was the full time partner, you were the mistress, you moved up a notch and have therefore created a vacancy for a new mistress!

You only get one life, be kind and honest to yourself. I’ve also had a couple of friends in this situation who’ve “stayed for the kids/ lifestyle etc but it’s never ended well.

I think you have to think about this level of deceit and how it’s making you feel. We all deserve better than this.

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:11

Have you looked at survivinginfidelity.com, there's some really good resources there?

A treat around the time might be nice?
I'm not sure I'll ever not remember the date, having being in a similar situation, but it becomes more of a glancing thought.

Original poster
Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 23:19

Sohelpmegod25 · 30/12/2025 23:05

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve had it myself and it was awful.
It’s great you’ve managed to “work through this” and you say you’re in a “good place” however if it’s still bothering you 4 years on I’d be questioning being in a “good place” if I’m honest. You clearly still have doubts and reservations about this?

Everyone is different and all circumstances are different but when my ex did that to me, I listened to my mum and personally went down the route of separating.

My Mum said that staying with him and forgiving is almost an open invite to allow him to do it again and again, she said it probably wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last she was absolutely right. He then cheated on the girl he left me for and she came to my front door to tell me god knows why!! I said to her - what did you expect, I was the full time partner, you were the mistress, you moved up a notch and have therefore created a vacancy for a new mistress!

You only get one life, be kind and honest to yourself. I’ve also had a couple of friends in this situation who’ve “stayed for the kids/ lifestyle etc but it’s never ended well.

I think you have to think about this level of deceit and how it’s making you feel. We all deserve better than this.

I’m sorry you went through that and I hope you are happy now.

I get what you’re saying and a part of me does , at this time of year, make me wonder. But , outside of this time I don’t really think about it. It’s almost as though it happened to someone else. I am happy and I can’t imagine life without him.

I am not naive enough to think it will 100% never happen again . How can I ? I think it would be worse if I did say no he will never do it. I never would have imagined he could have done it to me , he treated me like a princess and he still does , I honestly thought we were this great love story.

If it does , I’ll have to deal with it. But I have chosen to stay and I don’t regret that decision .

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 23:20

Kitkate21 · 30/12/2025 23:04

I think what you've managed to achieve is flipping admirable! If I was you I'd be either booking myself in to a spa, city break something for just you or something for you as a couple. To appreciate how far you've both come and keep investing in your marriage. I'm a cut and run girl. But you've both obviously put in the effort to repair the damage and it's okay to feel meh at this point. I don't have any more suggestions than that. It's a difficult time of year too. X

Thank you.

I don’t want to mark it in any way. I understand what you are saying but I just want to power through and get past this point and get on with the new year x

OP posts:
LochSunart · 30/12/2025 23:20

Affairs are shit. There's nothing good about them, and fuck everyone who says there is. My wife had an affair almost 16 years ago and it's cast a shadow over my life ever since. The best I can say is that I've now come to terms with it - in a way - and have accepted we'll never be the couple I want us to be. But fuck everyone who blames the affair on the betrayed partner.

Sohelpmegod25 · 30/12/2025 23:24

I think we all have to make the right decisions for us - I just think that if you are feeling like this, the upset hasn’t really gone away and I personally couldn’t live with that myself. You say “I am happy and couldn’t imagine life without him” but if you were 100% happy with the relationship you wouldn’t be feeling like this and posting on here.

There are no guarantees in life, he could be messaging someone now or he could have learnt his lesson - I air on once a cheater always a cheater but if you’ve made the decision to stay then that’s your decision. I hope it all works out for you both.

LochSunart · 30/12/2025 23:24

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:11

Have you looked at survivinginfidelity.com, there's some really good resources there?

A treat around the time might be nice?
I'm not sure I'll ever not remember the date, having being in a similar situation, but it becomes more of a glancing thought.

I'm on that website and it has taught me one thing, and one thing only: after an affair, separate, permanently. Those that do are happier. If you don't believe me, read the website for yourself.

NotnowNanette · 30/12/2025 23:24

I think you’re amazing. Regardless if you stayed or not this was a catalyst for positive change in your life. Where you came out stronger and better in yourself

Youve forgiven him and don’t want to leave so maybe reframe this time period as this is the time of year when you you found the new you. I’d definitely be booking something fantastic every year to mark it x

Original poster
Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 23:25

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:11

Have you looked at survivinginfidelity.com, there's some really good resources there?

A treat around the time might be nice?
I'm not sure I'll ever not remember the date, having being in a similar situation, but it becomes more of a glancing thought.

I haven’t, I will have a look. Thank you.

I was on a support forum before , but I found every time I went on it was dragging me back to that place and wasn’t good for me .

I hope I get to the point it’s a glancing thought. I think the fact it was new year doesn’t help as I never really liked new year anyway - I grew up with an alcohol dependant parent and new year was always a big event for drinking and I can’t remember a year it didn’t end with fights / police etc . So , I already hated it and never celebrated it, really, the year this happened was a year I decided to go out and celebrate and then that happened so it’s hard to just pass it you know ? I think it might have been easier if it was a random day in March or something where I had work to distract me but it’s not , I’m not at work, nye is everywhere. I see fb memories of the days before it happened when we actually had one of the best Christmases ever and it’s all just tainted and there are no distractions.

OP posts:
LochSunart · 30/12/2025 23:28

New Year's Eve 2009/10 was the day the wife of my wife's AP knocked on our door and said, verbatim, "Your wife's been shagging my husband." That's the moment my naiveté began.

Original poster
Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 23:30

LochSunart · 30/12/2025 23:28

New Year's Eve 2009/10 was the day the wife of my wife's AP knocked on our door and said, verbatim, "Your wife's been shagging my husband." That's the moment my naiveté began.

I’m so sorry 😔

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 30/12/2025 23:31

I’m going to be honest OP, I do think you can physically get past these kind of situations but to quote Carole king ‘something inside has died and I can hide but I just can’t fake it’ - I’ve been there - I’ve stayed married, I still care but just not quite in the same way - mine was all over Xmas and new year too , so I don’t associate it anymore with nice things - for me I’m 63 and it’s a balance of other factors, if I was40 I might feel differently

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:36

LochSunart · 30/12/2025 23:24

I'm on that website and it has taught me one thing, and one thing only: after an affair, separate, permanently. Those that do are happier. If you don't believe me, read the website for yourself.

Show quote history

I am also on that website, but more on the Positive Reconciliation boards.

I don't find that its more for separation, its been really helpful for me.

Sorry you don't find it helpful.

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:42

Whatacraptimeofyear · 30/12/2025 23:25

I haven’t, I will have a look. Thank you.

I was on a support forum before , but I found every time I went on it was dragging me back to that place and wasn’t good for me .

I hope I get to the point it’s a glancing thought. I think the fact it was new year doesn’t help as I never really liked new year anyway - I grew up with an alcohol dependant parent and new year was always a big event for drinking and I can’t remember a year it didn’t end with fights / police etc . So , I already hated it and never celebrated it, really, the year this happened was a year I decided to go out and celebrate and then that happened so it’s hard to just pass it you know ? I think it might have been easier if it was a random day in March or something where I had work to distract me but it’s not , I’m not at work, nye is everywhere. I see fb memories of the days before it happened when we actually had one of the best Christmases ever and it’s all just tainted and there are no distractions.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry, my "day" was a random day in November so no association to anything.

Please do try the website. It has a really good section on reconciliations that worked out. I sometimes dip in to remind myself how far we've come.

You've done incredibly well to get this far, best advise I ever got was to be kind to myself. Don't be too hard on yourself.

LochSunart · 31/12/2025 00:03

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 30/12/2025 23:36

I am also on that website, but more on the Positive Reconciliation boards.

I don't find that its more for separation, its been really helpful for me.

Sorry you don't find it helpful.

Show quote history

Were you the 'betrayed' partner?

Original poster
Whatacraptimeofyear · 31/12/2025 00:16

NotnowNanette · 30/12/2025 23:24

I think you’re amazing. Regardless if you stayed or not this was a catalyst for positive change in your life. Where you came out stronger and better in yourself

Youve forgiven him and don’t want to leave so maybe reframe this time period as this is the time of year when you you found the new you. I’d definitely be booking something fantastic every year to mark it x

Thank you . Your words mean a lot and I like the idea of reframing it so it is positive and about me x

OP posts:
Angrybird76 · 31/12/2025 07:50

I have a different story in that my exh left me at this time of year. It was horrendous and j was left with my DD in bits. 5 years on I have a lively house, a fiance, and an amazing g career. I would never have left him as I felt so low, so it was an amazing g liberating feing knowing I not only survived, I thrived and I also know I would never take awful behaviour again. However this time of year, or more specifically 22nd December always triggers that feeling of hopeless fear, every year. I read an article about memory and how when a memory is triggered, you actually re live it. So glow are not just 'remembering' you are actually going through it again. This really helped me to understand why I felt that way, even though it was actually a good thing. A therapist taught me to allow the feelings for a short time (I started with 2 hours now down to 30 minutes) and then lock them up in a box. Practice mindfulness to bring you back to the present and focus on where you are now not where you were. And we) dine for taking the power and making things better for yourself. Xx

ArtfulTaupeGoose · 31/12/2025 09:44

LochSunart · 31/12/2025 00:03

Were you the 'betrayed' partner?

Show quote history

I'm not sure it matters, but yes.

I found the help resources invaluable on helping me decide if I wanted to reconcile

LochSunart · 31/12/2025 09:57

@ArtfulTaupeGoose I'm glad it helped you. I'm sure you'll agree that successful reconciliation requires long-term commitment from both partners. This is difficult because the one who had the affair tends to want to forget it ever happened, and can't really cope with the consequences of their actions.

Disaster2025 · 31/12/2025 10:25

Im coming up to a year since discovery, and have much of the same feelings. I've chosen to stay too, but we have both done so much work on ourselves. There are lots of different versions of my life where I can see I would've left.
Be kind to yourself, I think you would have feelings around this time whether you stayed or left.
I've had a lot of therapy, most recently EMDR which has been life changing. Like you it has been the catalyst for a better version of me, and I feel strong when I look back at this past year.
I also recommend the website others have mentioned, I also recommend talking to your husband. A big part of my healing has been based on being able to be 100% honest with mine, and talking things through. All the advice on that website and I'm books is that you can't hide or brush over things - you have to both face it head on

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread