This is my life

[DesperateOldBag]

I am very old. I fell madly in love with someone over 40 years ago, when I was in my twenties. He was amazing, sexy, funny, intelligent, ticked all my boxes and the sex was wonderful, the only good sex I’ve had all my life. He dumped me (kindly) for the love of his life after six fantastic months together. I’ve been married since for decades to a nice enough man but our sex life is atrocious - we’ve made love as many times as we’ve had pregnancies (not many). We’re retired and I am still obsessing about what might have been. I have nothing to live for. I am unbearably unhappy. It’s pathetic. Just putting it here as no-one in my real life knows. To all intents and purposes, we have a perfect marriage, or so I’m told by outside observers. I’m not expecting anything from this post but I feel I want to tell someone. I see no future. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the man I loved who loved someone else much more.

I think that as we get older, it's easy to view the past with rose tinted spectacles. I think we all do this at some point, even when we are happy. You may not have been happy together had you stayed together. Can you try and focus on the good aspects of your marriage and build on that?

I guess if you're really unhappy, OP, you could divorce your DH. How would that work for you?

This is dispiriting to read

You need to get over this silliness

You don't need to stay with your husband but most men your age are limited in their sexual capabilities anyway and sex is not the only thing in life (you may prove physiologically unable yourself for obvious reasons)

Embrace other things

Sorry you’re feeling this way…please make the most of your life now & try not to look back, enjoy your children & live for the now, not what might have been.

I think you're fixating on a time in your life when you were young and happy because you're dissatisfied with your life now.

Don't live in the past - do something to change the present. You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You can decide to leave and do whatever you want with the rest of your life - have some adventures, travel, meet people, have fun! You are the architect of your own life so get out and live it!

You need to let the past go, OP. Six months in your twenties isn’t a great basis to imagine how your life might have unrolled differently if you’d stayed with him. By a year in, you might have felt entirely differently about him.

Focus on what is within your control — improving your life now. If that means ending your marriage, consider that.

I think you're brave for posting; given you've not told anyone, it would seem that the first time you have said any of this out loud is here - has it helped at all to at least "say" what you've been carrying around, silently, for an enormous amount of time?

What would you like to do about your current marriage?

If you're mid 60s you are not too old to leave him and start again.
You could live for another 25 years.

Is divorce something you would consider?

And ignore the nay sayers who say men over 60 can't 'perform'.
That's nonsense.

You could even end up with a younger man.
Be a cougar.

More seriously, you could go and talk to a counsellor which will make this all more 'real' and may help you choose what you want to do.

Kindly - it seems a bit self-indulgent to live in the past so much. Get out each day and live it in the present. Try and cultivate a positive outlook by checking yourself each time you find your thoughts lapsing back to the past. I have two suggestions from my own experience of needing to be more positive.
One is a book called "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. Its quite old now but the advice is bang up to date, important and changeless, and really works.
The other is to take the Bach flower remedy Honeysuckle. 🌺

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. @StopBotheringis right, I needed to formulate my feelings and put them out there. I'll mull over the replies, thank you all for the food for thought.

How old is old OP? if you are in your 60s there's still plenty of time to make changes to your life. I too think you are brave to admit you are so deeply unhappy, especially as no one else in real life knows how wretched you feel.
Start with accepting you want to make changes and look at ways you can improve things for yourself. Ruminating over a past relationship which did not end well is repeatedly taking you down a path full of regret and 'what ifs' so instead of making yourself miserable concentrate on what you can do now to enhance your life. If it means ending your marriage so be it, no one should stay with someone if the relationship is causing them such deep unhappiness.
Please consider some counselling for yourself to help you clarify what you want and how to proceed.

@DesperateOldBag You've posted very early in the morning - UK time?

There are many things you should consider.
Not least that being unhappy is not doing your husband any favours.

Has he any idea how you feel? Does he want to be in a sexless marriage? Does he care ? Does he know he's been 2nd best for decades?

I'm not blaming you, but living this 'lie' for decades isn't good for either of you. You've deprived yourself of potential happiness - and him.

My take on it is you either make peace with yourself and accept this is your life for the next 20 or 30 years, or take action.

'Action' could be having counselling for a start. It will help untangle your thoughts and give you a way forward if you decide to end your marriage. You can contact Relate and have phone counselling.

You have a right to be happy. It's under your control- no one else's.

It's not wrong that you found a man who ticked all the boxes. But it's wrong that in your 60s you're still not over it. The mistake is not that you loved and lost, (we all experience that) but that you settled for someone who wasn't Mr Right.

And the big question is - why? Why did you settle and make do?
Fear of being alone?
Wanting children? - Bio clock ticking?
Not being aware he was Mr Wrong till too late?

These are the questions that you should ask yourself and talk over maybe with a professional.

If it's any consolation, I have friends in their 60s and older who feel like you. So don't think you are unique in being married to the 'wrong man' and not getting out of it. Marriages are not always what they appear to outsiders.

Do not waste the rest of your life and string along a man you don't really love.
You both deserve far more.

Since writing my first post, I have realised that what I needed was a space to express myself, which I won’t do in a diary as I don’t want my family to read it after my death. Writing this out here has helped me crystallise my thoughts and all the responses have been very helpful in making me think about my goals from now on. So thank you, everyone here who read and contributed to this thread, and I wish you all a very Happy 2026.