Anyone in a long term LAT (living apart together) relationship?

[spinalong]

I'm interested in hearing from others' experiences of this. DP and I have been together 10 years and live separately. About 50mins drive apart and for much of this time reasons of work (both of us) and a young adult child at home (me) have meant a change wasn't really an option.

In the next couple of years I can see a point where we'll need to make a decision about whether this is a permanent arrangement or if we should move in together. Issue is that I am now so comfortable with having time on my own that I'm not sure I could adapt to living with someone again!

Does anyone have experience of making this type of arrangement work indefinitely? We're both mid 50s.

Thank you.

Been with my partner for 15 years. Started in our late 50s

She made it clear that she didn't want to get married or live together from the outset. That suited me as I'd been living on my own for a number of years and was quite happy with that

It works really well for us. She has family commitments and I do my own thing. We meet up two or three times a week - sometimes with friends - and to be honest it's like dating. We've got new things to tell and we look forward to seeing each other. A number of our friends are envious of our relationship. We go on holiday for a fortnight each year and that proves we are definitely better living apart! We enjoy it very much but are both happy to get back to our own lives

I love her to bits - she's been great for me - but I also love the freedom of living by myself.

@Thecatandme that sounds very similar to my situation and it's good to hear it's working out for you. When I describe my relationship to friends and colleagues they often say they envy it too.

I laughed at your comment about holidays because that's me completely. Having spent a week together over Christmas I'm now also enjoying my own company for a bit.

I suppose the reason I asked the question is that I worry a little about the future. What if one of us becomes ill for example? I once joked to someone that might end up living together if we both end up in the same care home and I'm starting to get a little concerned that might the case!

I knew a couple who had a LAT relationship for over 25 years. If it's not broken etc etc

@spinalong

My partner is very much a not worry about the future until it happens sort of person. Which is good for me as I am a bit of a worrier to say the least 😀

She's got family - I have none (well a cat) We check in with each other regularly. If something happens we'll deal it with it then.

I wouldn't (nor would she) risk what we've got now to move in together just in case.

I’m only 15 months in with DP, but this is the future I’d like! We are both mid-50’s.

His 2 eldest moved out long ago. His youngest is in 3rd year at Uni & lives at home.

My DC are younger (teenagers at school) so I will have them at home for at least another 5 years. I don’t want them to have to share their home with anyone else, as their father has moved in a new girlfriend & her DC into the old family home.

And I think I’m too intolerant/independant, having lived on my own for years after an unhappy marriage. Plus I am risk-adverse of combining finances following divorce.

So we get the best of each other, with no domestic crap. Everyone’s a winner!

Been with my Partner for nearly 17 years LAT & we live 20 mins apart. Both like our own space & i love my own house which i bought post divorce. We are late 50s/mid 60s. It works just fine & we are happy. We have talked about getting married to protect the other re pensions & property, but we may not live together! Let's see

We lived apart for the first 25 years of our relationship, for 20 of which we were married. It was purely by choice. We spent weekends and holidays together.

We’ve been living together for five years - Covid started it - and I regret doing so regularly. Not seriously enough to change it again, but my preference would be to live apart still.

Yes married for 6 years, together 9 and LAT. One of the biggest reasons for this was that I had younger DC when we met he is 10 years older than me and has grown up DC. I never wanted to live with another man and my DC together and it also suited him too. We always said we would move in together once my DC have left home. They have been gone 3 years now and we still haven't got round to it, we live about 5 minutes from each other and have a wonderful life. Maybe this will be our year or maybe it won't either way we are happy and very solid in our relationship.

My friend and her DH were getting close to divorce - then decided to live apart. This has been the saving of their marriage. Now 20 years later she has the house (he pays for it) and he lives in his own place. They speak daily though I have no idea how much they meet. But for years before that they had separate bedrooms, and if they travelled separate hotel rooms. He has kids (adult now) from first marriage she has none. They are in early 70s.
I also know a very much together couple who live in opposites sides of the world. She in England he in Australia. She normally goes over at Xmas and he comes over in the summer. They have one (now adult) child who lives in England. Seems to work for them (again he pays for everything).
I’m a widow and if I met anyone I’m not sure I’d want to live with anyone again.

There are some great stories here and I’m encouraged to hear them.

@ReignOfError i was interested in you making the change during Covid. That was a very challenging time for me and I remember at the start of lockdown feeling very upset and angry that we couldn’t see each other. I felt that somehow we’d got ourselves into a situation - by not living together - where our relationship was regarded as no different to a casual acquaintance. However moving in together wouldn’t have been practical either.

I am in this situation and we have plans long term to move in together but like you I worry about not having my own space. But also as we are I worry we aren't considered a proper couple. I know I shouldn't worry what people think but do they take us seriously. His ex is since remarried and I just feel we mightn't look as committed as we are.

I am in this situation as well we've only been together a year though but I have a 14 year old at home and so will not be moving anybody in while he is still living with me.

I like my own space as does he. I'm not sure how to describe him though.

We are both mid 50s. I do feel like I'm happy to see him when we do meet up and we really enjoy the time we spend together. We don't have time to find each other annoying etc

We are together over thirty five years, of which the first ten years we each had our own place, logistics of where we each worked riled about any chance of living together. We tried to maximise the time actually spent together under one roof or the other. At the time I found it often inconvenient, the fresh milk always seemed to be at the other pace as would be the shoes I needed for the outfit I wanted to wear.

However, we never had a cross word, there was nothing to argue about. We both travelled quite a bit so would not have been at home together anyway.

Circumstances and jobs changed, and we couu uk ld move in together. Honestly, we seemed to spend the next year arguing about everything. Surprised both of us. He was working in Singapore at the time, away for two or three weeks at a time. I tried to get one thing in the new house sorted each time he was away. Turned out in stead of being grateful he felt that ‘home’ was different each time he got back.

I found his approach to clutter and filling cupboards with junk and leaving things out all the time unbearable.

We have lasted another twenty five years and no intention of separated but oh how I wish we had each kept our own place and had no need to negotiate anything.

I have been with my partner for 27 years and always lived separately. When we first got together we both had children living at home,so they were our main priority.
All children have now moved out,married or with partners.We both like our own space and I will spend 3 nights at his house,which works for us both.
We have just returned from a 4 week holiday overseas which was great,but nice to be back and have some peace in my own home!
If we were married and continued to each have our separate houses,one house would be liable for capital gains tax.

My husband and I live apart, we will probably move in together at some point but I have teen/young adult kids that I don’t want to move so not yet.

We spend most nights together in one home or the other but it is nice to have that space when we need it.

Over 4 years into LAT relationship (both in our 50s, less than an hour apart, own homes, grown up children, divorced).
See each other at weekends, holidays together etc. It's brilliant, keeps the fire burning, avoids domestic boredom and associated petty arguments. It's all about commited quality time. Works perfectly for us. Worth a shot IMO.