Am I an awful person? Guilt is crippling me

[HappyPanda23]

Hi everyone,

I fell out with my mother for 4 years when I was 21. When I was younger we witnessed a lot of DV and I suffered with health issues. My mother had a lot going on years back and with this she wasn’t very present or there emotionally. She can be very self centred and she didn’t treat us great and put us through a lot but now we are grown ups she’s actively trying to reach out and bond with us. She did go through a lot but we did too.

I went to hell and back with my health, I got misdiagnosed with an illness and it floored me for years from being young. But finally in 2024 I got answers and I’m now on track. I never felt like I could talk to her about things.

We had a very explosive argument in 2021 because she over exaggerates EVERYTHING and I can’t deal with it. If someone puts the bin out for her it’s like someone has put a glass slipper on her foot. I was pregnant and blamed her for a lot of stuff in the past and blamed her for my illness, I pretty much told her it was her fault and told her I’m sure she lied to the doctors for them to get it so wrong. I have never ever acted like this before this was the first time ever, I blamed her for a lot of what we seen as kids and I walked away for 4 years.

I went on years believing it was her fault, telling people close to me because I genuinely did believe it. I resented her for a long time.

I suffer with immense anxiety which I reached out for support with tonight. I broke my heart. I admitted what I said and took accountability for it because it has chewed me up. I have never ever acted like that before and it broke me, it’s never happened again since and was years ago now.

The GP is a family GP and I’ve just moved back to the area. I told him all of what I said to get it off my chest and cried. I’ve been sitting here feeling like I thinks I’m an awful, toxic person and I know im not but I’ve been asking myself if that could be the case, I normally wouldn’t say boo to a goose. He said he’s going to up my medication and see me in 3 weeks, that I have a good family and that he now sees I have children and I seem to enjoy being a mother. I told him how much I adore my kids and they’re my world.

I’ve left the appointment feeling like he feels like I’m a crap mam, that I’m a toxic, abusive person and that he thinks I’m not a good mother and that he might ring social services on me because he thinks I’m crazy.

All I have ever done is for my kids. DD is 4 and on the spectrum and DS is 22 months. I have letters and reports from so many professionals stating how good a mam I am and how proactive I am in my daughters care, have dealt with all professional appointments, I’m primary carer for the kids dad has them around shifts, I buy them all clothes. I don’t know why I feel so bad. The doctor said he feels I put too much pressure on myself and that I need to come back in 3 weeks to check if my medication increase is working.

I just feel like everyone hates me, like I’m doing an awful job and people just think I’m an overall shitty person.

People don’t hate you.

The vast vast majority have neither the energy nor the inclination for hate: do you spend time daily hating people? Do you really think hating you is a proportionate thing. maybe you share this with your Mum “she over exaggerates EVERYTHING and I can’t deal with it”

This train of thought will also fuel your anxiety, as you can imagine.

In life the person you’re always going to be living with is yourself, and if you like yourself then that is enough.

One massive row releasing all the years of pent up frustration isn’t the end of the world . Think of it as a few home truths and boundary setting.

I imagine your doctor only sees your family members for a few minutes at a time when they’re on their best behaviour.

Male GP’s aren’t great with women’s mental health. I’d say seek proper therapy.

Your feelings aren’t matching up with the facts. Anxiety can do that. He said you seem to enjoy being a mum and might be putting too much pressure on yourself.

It’s not clear what you feel guilty for but it definitely sounds like you’re ruminating on the past and dealing with some difficult feelings atm. But you’re engaging with health services which is the right thing to do. All the best and hopefully you’ll turn a corner in the NY.

i feel like people are going to look at me as being toxic or abusive for accusing her of lying to the doctors, but she over exaggerates everything in life and I genuinely believed it for a long time

OP, your GP’s job is to assess, diagnose and prescribe or refer — he’s not there as a judge or dispenser of forgiveness. You sound as if you need therapy. Perhaps you could ask to be referred.

It’s a matter just between you and your GP. And in any case they are largely only interested in assessing your current health.

You sound like you have no self confidence which is understandable after your childhood . You deserved a loving , safe , protected childhood and you didn’t get that . Your mother did her best that she could do but you deserved better . Your gp knows nothing about you other than the small snippets you have time to tell him so I wouldn’t take his words too seriously. Professionals have credited your mothering so be proud . It’s not easy , you won’t be perfect (nobody is) but you know you’re a great mother and focus on that . Be proud of breaking the family cycle . Start believing yourself . Read self help books or better still listen to podcasts . Your children are the only people in your life who have a right to judge you .

Are you the same lady who posted about worrying your ex will use the fact that you blamed your mum for your illness? If so, you should heed the responses to your previous posts and get some more support for your anxiety. You are fixating on this issue and it's the anxiety that is making you spiral. Please go back to GP and as for help for your anxiety. Hopefully the change in medication will help you too.

When you see the GP in 3 weeks ask for a referral for talking therapy. Also if you feel regret/guilt about what you said to your mum you could say this to her, it will probably help you.

Have you had counselling for your childhood? You have trauma.

Try to get a female doctor if you can.
Male doctors are just as misogynistic as any other man and they tend to dismiss women and tune out as soon as any of us open our mouths.
He probably didn't listen to 90% of what you said anyway.
I wouldn't lose any sleep over him.

You're suffering from PTSD and so is your mother.
Both of you need therapy.
The challenge is to find any therapist who is interested in helping you rather than just paying their bills.

Maybe reach out to a domestic violence help line - you're a victim just like your mother - in a different way of course. They may be able to help you or direct to you to a service provider they can recommend.