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Original poster

Should I tell me ex im going out at the weekend?

49 replies

Shani85 · 30/12/2025 08:50

Ok so hear me out..we had been together for 11 years and i finshed the relationship a week ago it came to a natural end for me i just didnt see a future with him anymore (we didnt live together) but i still love and care about him. He was my best friend..maybe not so much towards the end but we did always go to music events together. If one couldnt go the other wouldnt go it was a respect thing. we went once maybe twice a month to a certain music event together. I once went on my own when he was away with his friends and he was very hurt and upset that i went on my own without him he thought I wouldnt of gone but i did and it caused a massive arguement and he was so upset. Anyway there is a music event this weekend and I am planning on going but should I tell him i am going? We havent spoken since i finished things but i still respect him and I think knowing him he would be upset about me going. The thing is aswell we have made friends at these music events and they are going to ask me where my partner is and im going to have to tell them its over between us but i remember him saying when i last went on my own that he was embarrased because people will think we arent together and he doesnt want people to know his business. So im thinking out of respect should i just drop him a txt telling him im going or should i just go and not say anything? I know he will be upset about me going or should i not go at all?

OP posts:
FalseSpring · 30/12/2025 11:49

WarmGreyHare · 30/12/2025 11:44

Is there a possibility you might bump into him there? If so I would probably let him know in an FYi kind of way, especially if you have a shared friend group.
But make sure it is worded in a way that doesn't invite his opinion!

I agree and think if I knew he was going to be there I might want to warn him, but also mention that going forward you would be going to these events alone/with your friends, then it is his choice if he attends or not. You will however need to make it clear that this is the last communication you will have with him so he doesn't expect you to warn him every time you go.

Aplstrudl · 30/12/2025 11:51

No, dont tell him. You’re not accountable to him in any way.

AffableApple · 30/12/2025 11:52

Would you tell him if you were going to an event ten years from now? Five years from now? A year? No, you wouldn't. That would be weird because you wouldn't be with him.

You're not with him now. Process that, and go to the event. Enjoy.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 11:54

Don't allow his need for control to infiltrate your life even though he's not part of it any more

Don't contact him about anything

ArseSkinForAFriend · 30/12/2025 11:57

Stop trying to muddy the waters.

You're both single now, just go and enjoy it.

ArseSkinForAFriend · 30/12/2025 11:58

WarmGreyHare · 30/12/2025 11:44

Is there a possibility you might bump into him there? If so I would probably let him know in an FYi kind of way, especially if you have a shared friend group.
But make sure it is worded in a way that doesn't invite his opinion!

Why would you let him know?

If he's there, he hasn't let the OP know in advance.

Dozer · 30/12/2025 12:03

No contact would be best, other than polite small talk if you bump into him.

Agree with PPs that it was unhealthy that he sulked if you went out without him.

Dryshampoofordays · 30/12/2025 12:12

You sound codependent. Don’t tell him. Even when you were together he had no right to put his hurt feelings on you just because you went out without him. You need to understand that it was a completely normal thing for you, a grown adult, to do alone even when in a relationship. He might feel upset to see you enjoying yourself now you have broken up but that’s his issue to work through isn’t it? You aren’t responsible for his feelings, you never were. Detach from him, and work on your self esteem and boundaries before you get into a new relationship. Don’t beat yourself up, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

AllTheChatsAboutTea · 30/12/2025 13:15

Are you looking for excuses to contact him again? Surely, once you’ve split up with someone, you don’t have any further communication..?

WarmGreyHare · 30/12/2025 13:34

ArseSkinForAFriend · 30/12/2025 11:58

Why would you let him know?

If he's there, he hasn't let the OP know in advance.

Show quote history

True.
I don't think she SHOULD tell him, he is owed nothing now they are split up. I'm just thinking which option is likely to cause her the least amount of awkwardness on the day.
I think I'd like the mutual friends to know beforehand if it was me. Feels like a awkward conversation to start a fun night out otherwise.

ForTipsyFinch · 30/12/2025 13:40

Unless you like creating drama there’s no need to tell him.

MySilentLions · 30/12/2025 13:52

Dryshampoofordays · 30/12/2025 12:12

You sound codependent. Don’t tell him. Even when you were together he had no right to put his hurt feelings on you just because you went out without him. You need to understand that it was a completely normal thing for you, a grown adult, to do alone even when in a relationship. He might feel upset to see you enjoying yourself now you have broken up but that’s his issue to work through isn’t it? You aren’t responsible for his feelings, you never were. Detach from him, and work on your self esteem and boundaries before you get into a new relationship. Don’t beat yourself up, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

All of this. He sounds controlling and you’re better off learning how to be happily single, and that starts right now.

FollowSpot · 30/12/2025 14:43

He had no right to kick off when you went on your own before, so I can’t think why it would be an issue now you are not even together.

And I think you have done well to separate from someone who behaved like that. Enjoy your freedom.

MCF86 · 30/12/2025 14:46

You think he'd be upset. Either you'd go anyway and he'd still be upset or (worse) you wouldn't go. Nothing to be gained by telling him!

Astra53 · 30/12/2025 15:12

No. Just go out and have a nice evening. Tell your mutual friends that you have split up if they ask.

SmileyMoonset · 30/12/2025 15:17

This whole thing is ridiculous, he isn’t your Dad, you are an adult and you don’t have to ask permission.

My DH and I have been together for more than 30 years, if he’s away from home he would actively encourage me to go without him.

Of course you shouldn’t contact him.

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 15:24

The fact he got upset the first time you went without him would have been enough for me to end the relationship. What a wet blanket.

Original poster
Shani85 · 30/12/2025 17:36

Catza · 30/12/2025 10:59

Why on earth do you think you should tell him? No, I don't think you love him and respect him. If you did, you'd allow him time to grieve the breakup and not rub your social life in his face.
You made a choice to remove him from your life, stick with it. Regardless of his shortcomings I can't imagine anything worse than for him to receive a text message advertising your social engagements a week after the breakup.

No you have got it twisted i would never do that im hurting aswell it was a tough decision after 11 years. Its just because of his reaction last time i dont want to hurt him more by him realising i have gone without telling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shani85 · 30/12/2025 17:38

MySilentLions · 30/12/2025 13:52

All of this. He sounds controlling and you’re better off learning how to be happily single, and that starts right now.

Show quote history

Thankyou for replying

OP posts:
Original poster
Shani85 · 30/12/2025 17:39

AllTheChatsAboutTea · 30/12/2025 13:15

Are you looking for excuses to contact him again? Surely, once you’ve split up with someone, you don’t have any further communication..?

No i just dont want to hurt him further

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 17:39

Shani85 · 30/12/2025 17:36

No you have got it twisted i would never do that im hurting aswell it was a tough decision after 11 years. Its just because of his reaction last time i dont want to hurt him more by him realising i have gone without telling him.

Show quote history

Are you able to see that his previous reaction was batshit, nuts and very very controlling?

Original poster
Shani85 · 30/12/2025 17:40

AffableApple · 30/12/2025 11:52

Would you tell him if you were going to an event ten years from now? Five years from now? A year? No, you wouldn't. That would be weird because you wouldn't be with him.

You're not with him now. Process that, and go to the event. Enjoy.

True..thankyou for taking time to read and reply

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 30/12/2025 17:43

If someone I was no longer dating started telling me about their social plans I would see that contact as them potentially still be interested in spending time with me. Total mixed signals. A clean break is needed in the immediate aftermath. If you decide you can be friends in the longer term that is one thing, but you need to give it at least six months to let the dust settle before considering if you can salvage a friendship from a relationship.

Also not going to an event because the other person can't is not respectful. Most people want their partner to enjoy their life and would actively support their other half going to an event if they were unable to go themselves. I think it's a massive red flag that not only do the pair of you think it's normal to deprive yourself of a night out because the other cannot attend (and a bit co-dependent) but that your partner would have caused a massive argument over the one time that you did. It's controlling and selfish.

Aligirlbear · 30/12/2025 17:58

No you shouldn’t tell him. Please don’t overthink this. He is your ex and you owe him no explanations as to your plans and where you might / might not go for an evening out.

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