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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to make an effort with his own family and not expect me to

15 replies

Dream46 · 29/12/2025 21:09

DH rarely see’s his family, keeps in touch or thanks them for cards / gifts sent to us for the kids. He “forgets” I think it’s just lazy. I don’t talk or see his family myself except MIL and FIL, see them very occasionally with DH and regularly chat to MIL on the phone to catch up and talk to the kids. Every year a few of DH’s family send Christmas, birthday cards and gifts and I just leave it up to DH to say thanks. I’ve noticed over the years he’s not doing it at all. Everytime I go to do it for him I stop myself and think I shouldnt have to, it’s his family he should surely? I don’t make an effort to contact his family or even call MIL , I leave it up to them to contact me. I don’t go out of my way to organise meeting up with anyone, I just wait for the Christmas / Easter invites etc. I feel DH should be making more effort with his family and not leave it up to me. I make an effort with my own family that’s all.

OP posts:
WarmGreyHare · 29/12/2025 21:11

He absolutely should be making the effort.
However, if you think they are good grandparents I would continue to facilitate their relationship with your children for the sake of the kids.
They shouldn't miss out on a loving extended family because their dad is a lazy arse.

Rictasmorticia · 29/12/2025 21:19

Is it because he does not like them or has there been a falling out? I really believe it is the son or daughter who contact the parents not left to the in-law. The only people in my family who keep in-law contact are myself and my youngest sons ex-wife. There was no other person involved in their divorce, they are both still single. We became very close when I supported her through her Mum’s terminal illness. She sees me a a surrogate mum.

FreeRider · 29/12/2025 21:26

I totally agree with you @Dream46

I've been with my current partner 16 years, but I remember right back at the beginning, our very first Christmas, we were both around at his parents and he was talking about how his mother makes a massive fuss about buying presents for everyone in his family, sending cards out etc...and he said 'I suppose you will be doing the same in the future'...I replied 'Why, have your hands fallen off?'

I do my family, he does his. The devil would be going to work in a snowplough before that changed. If they hardly hear from him, he forgets to buy presents, that's all on him. Just because I have a vagina does not make me responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family.

NextItsBooty · 29/12/2025 21:30

This is the same as my dh. He gets on well enough with his parents but I haven’t ever facilitated their relationship. I’ve never bought a card. I don’t even think I know when anyone on his side has a birthday.

Catza · 29/12/2025 22:46

I'm not sure why you even care. I have no clue whether my partner does or doesn't do presents or cards for his family. Just not at all on my radar.

Tdcp · 29/12/2025 22:51

I stopped making the effort with DPs family a couple of years ago. There's 12 nieces and nephews, 4 brothers and sisters, wives, husbands, dad etc etc. I got sick of doing it all on top of everything else so I just stopped. I told him they're his family he can do it. For the most part he hasn't and they've lost a lot of contact with eachother but his family ties aren't my responsibility. If it was the other way around he wouldn't do anything for my family. I refuse to feel guilty about it.

Liverpool52 · 29/12/2025 23:12

My view is: if his parents couldn't be bothered to bring him up to maintain family relationships, that's their problem, not mine.

My PIL are very much of the mindset that there is women's work and men's work. The women's work including maintaining family relationships.

If they want to know why they don't get christmas cards/presents, birthday cards/presents etc they can look in a mirror.

Applecup · 29/12/2025 23:16

How old are the kids? Can they write their own thank you cards?

NuffSaidSam · 29/12/2025 23:20

Unless your children are babies they should be calling/writing to their relatives to say thank you for any presents they receive. You should thank them for anything addressed to you. DH should thank them for his gifts.

Your DH shouldn't be a lazy arse who can't be bothered with his family. Unfortunately he is and even more unfortunately you made some children with him. To prevent them from becoming isolated from their extended family I would make an effort with the in-laws.

Icecreamisthebest · 30/12/2025 02:20

Liverpool52 · 29/12/2025 23:12

My view is: if his parents couldn't be bothered to bring him up to maintain family relationships, that's their problem, not mine.

My PIL are very much of the mindset that there is women's work and men's work. The women's work including maintaining family relationships.

If they want to know why they don't get christmas cards/presents, birthday cards/presents etc they can look in a mirror.

I agree with this but I’d be saying it to my DH. Tell him that what he deals he does. Does he want his DC to only message and call you when they leave home? Or does he want to still be involved in their lives?

If he wants a good relationship with the DC once they move out he needs to model that for them

JMSA · 30/12/2025 02:54

I think you sound cold and well-suited to your husband.

LifeSurvior · 30/12/2025 03:02

From the very outset I said we are a blended family now, we are both involved with keeping in touch, pressies, birthdays, Christmas with each others families.
It never happened.
I was always the one to remember everything.
I did it for a few years whilst ours were small.
Then I still remember that great Christmas EVERTHING Changed! I had worked 12 hour shifts up till Xmas eve, done it fucking all for our two teen kids.
DH rocked in from work drinks Xmas eve and was aghast I hadn't planned, shopped or bought anything for his Mum, Dad or Sister her DH and kids.
I vividly remember looking at him and feigning ignorance and shock and just saying to him.... What! You haven't bought your family anything?
Gosh No! I really thought you had!
It resulted in him hurriedly buying garage bought chocs and flowers and him never, ever taking it for granted I would " do Christmas" ever again 😂
Ten years later he's buying and wrapping like a normal person 😂
Do not let them, whoever they are, put the family burden on you x

ActiveTiger · 30/12/2025 03:12

Sorry but regardless of your other half a decent person would be thank family for there cards,gifts etc anyway. Our kids happily write thank-you cards or give phone calls it's called being polite and learning to grow up to be polite

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 30/12/2025 05:14

Nope. He handles his side of the family, including thank you notes from the kids. I handle mine. I'm not his social secretary.

OhamIreally · 30/12/2025 14:09

That’s great @LifeSurvior.

I enjoyed shopping for ex’s family for the first few years. I put a lot of thought into it. One year I had nipped to the loo and when I got back I found ex had handed out all the gifts I had chosen and wrapped to his family without waiting for me. That was the last year I did it for him.

We’ve been divorced some years though and I now do buy gifts for his family and they for me as they’re lovely.

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