Too nervous about myself to be intimate

[NervousDrinker]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice regarding my relationship and self image really.

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years, and we have a generally really good relationship. I’m in my late twenties and he is early thirties, we have no children. We get on really well, never argue and are always laughing.

we’re very physically affectionate with each other generally in a ‘safe for work’ kind of way, lots of kissing, hugging, hand holding etc.

I’d also like to preface with saying I do still really fancy him and am sexually attracted to him and I have always enjoyed sex with him.

My issue is really with myself.

I have always had body image issues - previously had an eating disorder as a teen and this issue has never been helped by my mother telling me how huge I am.

when we got together I was a size 10 ish, I’m now a large 14. I honestly hate the way I look all the time, and I feel awful. I’d also like to say that I have recently cut out junk, and am planning on joining the gym in January to start working on myself in this way. I am equally conscious that I have to be careful not to slip back into a bad ED mindset too.

my issue is that we haven’t been intimate for months, due to me. Because of how much I hate my body I think I’m convinced that if he sees me naked or feels my bumps that he’ll be put off and think I’m as ugly as I feel.

I know this isn’t healthy and obviously long term is no good for our relationship.

at no point has he said anything, but before I put on weight we had a really healthy sex life that has slowly dwindled and I know he enjoyed it a lot. I think he hasn’t mentioned anything for fear of upsetting me or hurting my feelings?

im really just looking for advice on how to get past this myself and how I can cross the bridge into enjoying intimacy again. I’d all love to hear from anyone who’s been in this situation before and what they did to overcome it.

I do want to be intimate, but I think the longer it goes on the more I am almost fearful of it?

to add to the issue I have always been taught that this kind of thing is very taboo and dirty - so it’s not something we discuss freely nor do I feel I can just bring up in a chat.

like I said I’d really love to be intimate as we have been in the past and would really appreciate some advice, thanks in advance if anyone read this far.

Oh your poor thing. What is good is that your partner sounds like an absolute keeper, he obviously wants sex but hasn't mentioned it or pressurised you. Excluding weightloss, what would help? Sex in the dark, sex under covers, lazy spooning sex with no expectation to "perform" on top? It's hard when it feels awkward to talk about, but I think you do need to discuss it even if on a very basic level as he needs to know it's not about him. How about "I really fancy you and want to have sex, but I feel uncomfortable with my body. Can we go to bed as normal and then have spoon sex?"

I've felt uncomfortable when I've been bigger and now I feel uncomfortable because I'm underweight and have no boobs or bum, so there's no physical win. How you feel will fluctuate day to day but you are a team and need to make this work. X

Didn’t want to read and run, please confide in a specialist counsellor, I hope you get some relief xx

He’s truly the best thing in my life! He’s the kindest and most caring man ever, and I can hand on heart say I know a heck of a lot of men wouldn’t sit pretty in a relationship for months with no sex at all. He’s never once pressured me into anything. I think that’s why I feel so crap - I know in my logical thinking cap that he loves me no matter what which is why he’s so lovely about everything. But my non logical thinking cap says that he’s still got the image of me looking nicer naked and would instantly be put off now (I’m not saying this is likely at all it’s my silly thinking!)

I think in the dark would help, but I don’t really know how to bring that up.

im considering that at the weekend I might suggest we have dinner and share a bottle of wine - with th hopes that being a bit tipsy might make me think less about me and not liking myself and more about how much I love him, but then I circle back round to how I shouldn’t need a drink for sex.

I think I just need anything to get out of my rut, it’s almost like once we’ve done it once and he still fancies me I won’t have the same apprehension!

thank you for the very kind comment and words, and I hope you also get the confidence you deserve in the future ❤️

Thank you for your kind words!! I have had cbt on the NHS but found it quite unhelpful - and we can’t afford private therapy at the moment. I’m hopeful it’s something I can prioritise in the new year (possibly though at the expense of the gym which isn’t ideal!)

I agree that you shouldn't drink to have sex with someone you don't trust or don't want to have sex with. But as you do, when sober, then I don't think it's an issue. I think talking and explaining the situation is the better option but I don't think drinking some wine, being tipsy and flirty, and having sex is a bad outcome when it's what you want anyway. X

thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate it! Thinking about it perhaps i’ll have the wine, to have the conversation! Then we’ll see where we go from there.

the daft thing is I’m sure as soon as I say how I feel he’ll tell me how silly I am and how he’d fancy me with 3 heads and then he’ll probably initiate something later knowing the issue and wanting me to feel nice.

i really do think i need to bite the bullet and go for it, thank you again for taking the time to comment x

I think it's also worth considering how you would feel if the tables were turned. My partner has fluctuated in weight but has remained the same thoughtful, helpful, brilliant dad and husband he was at different weights. So I still want to have sex with him. And I think your partner is the same x

I think you’re absolutely right and I know if I asked he’d say this exact thing, I’m just getting in my own head about it!

It is so hard, especially when you've had a less than helpful upbringing with regards to talking about sex. Would it help to write a letter or note? X

I can sympathise OP. My self image (and social media expectations of what a woman should look like) is in the gutter. I'm older than you. When I was your age I was incredibly self-conscious, but when I look back at photos I cannot believe I thought I was big! I also have hangups around talking about sex.

I saw you said therapy is out of your budget right now. I wonder if there are any decent self-help books on the market that may be able to support you with seeing yourself in a different light.

I hope you get find something to help because I really regret not having the confidence when I was younger. I don't want you to look back with regrets.

(Ps, my intention isn't to be patronising because I've mentioned your age).

As much as he’s the loveliest man in the world - he can be awkward too! I think he’d find a note more awkward and struggle to respond whereas a talk would be awkward but we’d both at least say something! Yes my upbringing around sex wasn’t great - I was basically taught never to do it or else end up pregnant and suffer the consequences (my mum is quite religious)

Thank you for your comment, and don’t worry I didn’t find it patronising. I’ve always thought I was big - even at the lowest of my eating disorder when I was a size 4! But every year I look back and know I wasn’t big at all, although having said that I am now officially classed as “overweight” at the moment. I’ll look into some self help books, and would be glad of any recommendations if anyone has any!