Husband solo drinks when looking after children

[Allthecolours55]

Hi I work shifts and and my husband works opposite me. We have two children 5 and 3 years. I have often found that he has been drinking (about 4 cans of beer) when he is looking after the children. When I've confronted him about it he laughs it off. Am I being unreasonable? He is not drinking with any other adults when he's at home.

How strong is the beer?

I often drink alcohol with my the grandkids in my care and previously my own kids, nieces, nephews etc
Im a Social worker and unless someone is very drunk with under fives I can’t really think in what context a few beers would be an issue.
Not fall down drink obviously - that’s plain irresponsible but I deffo dont see the harm in a few drinks - virtually everyone I know drinks, and at one point or another with kids around.

Would he be over the limit to drive in an emergency?!

Do you mean day drinking or after they've gone to bed? Ideally someone sober would be around to drive in an emergency, but do you never share a bottle of wine at the weekend for example?

I am not big into booze myself and had an alcoholic mum, so I'm not defending irresponsible drinking, just trying to understand what your concerns are?

A few drinks here and there (as long as person is in control at all times) isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have to drive in an emergency - call an uber / taxi.

What would however ring alarm bells for me would be the frequency. Alcohol should be consumed for pleasure, not to get through an evening. If he is drinking regularly then it’s not a treat at the end of the day. I’d be addressing that asap.

Also, across what period of time? I imagine that about 10 units, which isn't the healthiest amount to get through on a regular daily basis - but, depending on his build and whether that's across a whole evening would affect how concerned about my children I'd be! I'd probably have a couple of glasses of wine when looking after my two across a whole evening. I don't do this every time though personally.

It really depends, I think, on when he’s doing said drinking. Personally I’d not be too impressed with drinking while the kids were awake but after they’re in bed, I see little issue with having a couple. I used to (albeit I’m sober now) and know lots of people who would//do.

It's in the day when they're awake. I get home at around 6pm. I also do evenings as well but not too bothered if he drinks when they've gone to bed.

Hmm I'd be less happy with solo day drinking too, especially if it's happening regularly.

It sounds as if it is his way of coping with parenting, but it's clearly a really unhealthy crutch. It also is setting a bad example to the children about alcohol and I guess it also means he isn't taking them anywhere during the day?

People that don’t drive get a cab or pt.

Does he drink after they’ve gone to bed too?. It’s not so much the amount but how his drinking is affecting others around him that is the issue here. Why is he drinking: is it to “relax”, is he using it as a crutch?. The fact he dismisses it too is concerning. Do you think he is becoming dependent on alcohol?.

How long has he been doing this?. The kids will in time notice his drinking if they have not already done so. They’ll certainly see the empties in the recycling bin.

And they will also pick up on all your reactions to his drinking.

5.4% not overly strong

He's not really drunk, he appears normal. If I had the same amount I'd be drunk but he seems to handle it.

It is regular, he drinks every night when he's off work usually the same amount (4 cans or 3 big bottles) Often before the first night he's in work too. It's either in the day when I'm not there or the evening.

He does take them out but usually in the morning so not drinking and driving.

I think that is quite strong. 4 cans of 5.4% beer is about 11 units just in one day. I would be concerned about a) drinking in charge of the kids and b) day drinking. Both at once is a real concern.

Probably is a crutch to be honest. It's been going on for about 2 years. He's never really drunk with it. He hides the empties straight in the recycling wheelie bin or under rubbish in the main bin. I'm not stupid though I know they're there.

He’s developed a higher tolerance to it and needs more to achieve the same desired effect, You can only help your own self ultimately but I would think
long and hard about the long term here re him. You cannot help him, only he can address his drinking or relationship with alcohol.

If you’re out of the house say between 8:00am and 6:00pm snd he’s getting through 4 beers a day then he’s drinking a can every 2.5 hours or thereabouts.

He is drinking every day, multiple drinks, up to about 10 units which means he is almost at the weekly government guidelines in a day. Hiding the empties which means he knows his drinking is a problem. I would not be at all happy with this - the fact that he does not look drunk does not mean a thing, and if anything happened which he needed to drive for, no one drinking like this is likely to avoid driving under the influence.

I don’t drink at all personally, but I honestly don’t know anyone who drinks who wouldn’t drink when they are looking after their own children. I mean, getting falling down wasted or drink driving with them, obviously, that’s bad. But I’ve never had a BBQ with friends or been on a camping trip with friends or been to a Christmas party where all the adults (except me) weren’t a bit tipsy. I think most people drink while looking after their children, if they drink at all. Now he may very well have a drinking problem, yes. But not because he drinks 4 beers while looking after his children (for most people with a drinking problem, that wouldn’t even touch the sides).

It sounds like problem drinking to me - the fact that he is hiding evidence of his drinking means he knows it's not acceptable. I wouldn't want someone who's regularly drinking this much looking after my small children. If it was a couple of cans once they're in bed asleep, it wouldn't be so bad. But if he's drinking in the day while looking after the children, I wouldn't be happy.

There is a difference between social drinking at a party or barbecue and drinking alone during a normal day at home while looking after your children. OPs husband is hiding evidence of his drinking which shows he knows it's not good.

Normalising day drinking around children 👀 no thanks.
Can he not wait to have one at a more suitable time?!
To put it bluntly if my child had been left in the care of someone in the day who had a drink i wouldn't be letting them look after my child. Where is his restraint? Or is there a bigger problem here